TripTank

Ooh!

It's me lucky day! A four-leaf clover!

Wait a minute, I count five.

1x07 - Roy and Ben's Day Off

- Oh, man. Come on, man. - Nope. No way.

We got a little midday vacay we need to go on, man.

- Roy, it's called work. - Come on, man.

- It'll be fun. - No way.

- Who's gonna answer the phones? - You ain't gonna have to answer shit.

Your distant cousin here'll be answerin' the phones automatically.

And this sign right here,

it'll let anyone who happens to give a shit about where you are

know that we're gonna be back in five.

- If it's just five minutes. - Exactly, man.

Who knows when the five minutes actually starts?

Get drunk all day and get paid for it.

- I'm a genius. - Ugh, fine.

Yeah, there you go, player! Whoo! Sackin' up.

I'm proud of you, Ben. Let's do this!

It's not personal.

- Yes. - Eight for you, Dana,

nine for me, and how many was that for you, Matt?

One.

- Another hole in one for Matt. - Hold on.

You guys smell somethin' horrible?

- I don't smell anything. - Oh, that smells disgusting.

Oh, it's like a milk fart or something.

I smell the honeysuckle over there,

- but I don't think... - It's like a rancid T-bone steak

that was eaten by a teamster

- and then diarrhea pooped onto a... - Guys, look!

All: Gary.

- I knew I smelled something. - What in the hell is he doing here?

Brought his kid with him to play mini golf?

- What an asshole. - Oh, we've got to get revenge.

Oh! Oh! I've got the perfect thing!

Nice putt, Donnie.

You keep practicing and you could be a real Duffy Waldorf.

All right, now let your old man show you how those moves are done.

See if you lock your shoulders

- and make yourself... - Psst! Hey!

Hey, kid, you want some candy?

I got some sweet, sweet candy over here in these honeysuckle bushes.

You want to squat and bend your elbows.

Donnie? Donnie?

Donnie! Help, help!

My son! My son is gone! Help me!

Doopy-doo.

- What seems to be the problem, sir? - My son.

I just turned around for two seconds, and he was gone.

Well, that doesn't sound like very good parenting to me, sir.

He's probably in terrible danger.

A lot of people are gonna view you as a dumb jerk.

- I was gonna say a real asshole. - Oh, no.

Donnie.

- Oh, yes! - Donnie, you're doing great.

Look at all these tickets!

All: Donnie! Donnie! Donnie!

Poor little guy's probably scared and alone right now,

wishin' he had stayed with his mom today.

My sweet baby boy.

Can you describe your son, sir?

- Is he as ugly in the face as you are? - What?

Does he have the same hook nose, sloping shoulders?

Beady eyes and gnarled teeth.

Do you think your son might've run away

because he was ashamed of his father's weak-ass chin?

No! This is the worst day of my life.

This is the best day of my life!

We're doing it! We're really doing it!

Yes, I did it.

My son ran away from me because I'm a terrible father.

I'll be sure and put that all down in the report.

And don't forget to mention how disgusting and ugly

- this guy's face is. - And his clothes look stupid too.

That should definitely be in the report.

Donnie! No!

Well, well, well! If it isn't the milk fart bandit!

What?

- It's us, you idiot. - Dana? Andy?

Dad, look at all these tickets we won!

Donnie, thank goodness you're safe!

- What's that smell? - Why would you guys do this to me?

Just your classic mini golf "son runs away, cops call you ugly

till you milk fart your pants" revenge prank.

Yeah, suck it, Gary! Whoo!

Whoo!

Wow, they really pwanked him hard this time.

I thought for sure that kid ran away.

I'd run away if my dad were that ugly.

- Doop! - Hi, I want to order,

like, an ice blended and cinnamon roll things,

but like the reduced-fat ones 'cause I'm on a total diet.

I ate, like, 14 skittles yesterday. Such a freakin' heifer.

How much is...

Okay, so do you deliver or what?

Wear more gold.

Always tip the doorman.

Attend dog shows.

Support the arts.

Keep a proper wine collection.

Get a broker you can trust.

Dress like a million bucks.

Hey.

Get a nose job.

Collect cars.

Own a boat.

Wear fancy furs.

Fly to Jamaica on your lunch break.

Get a professional massage...

Hey, hey, hey!

and a personal driver.

And make sure they comp you a room.

- Doop! - Hi, this is Christine Lakin.

I am making a big comeback to show business.

I was on a big show. It was a... you know,

do you have any idea how big that show was?

It was the '90s for god's sake! It was T.G.I.F.!

You know how many times people ask me if I'm on Family Matters?

That was the black show! I'm not black!

I wish I was black. Oh, .

I got to go do some drugs.

Oh, shit.

Dave, you have to get this. I owe Larry David money,

and I can't let him see me buying lunch.

- How much do you owe him? - $13,000.

- Well, why don't you just blow him? - You sexist jackass.

I'd never suggest you pay someone back by blowing 'em.

I'd blow my landlord for rent.

Hell, I'd give him a reach-around for cable.

What? Laura! Hey.

Do you... you're here.

You're in... you're in a restaurant?

Look at this. You're out here. You're having lunch.

Boy, things must be pretty good.

Oh, I wash dishes here. I'm on my break.

Okay. Hey, I'm havin' lunch with Larry Flint.

Let me ask you something. What... what's the protocol here?

Do I let him roll all the way to me?

Or do I meet him halfway? What's the deal?

Well, you're both gonna end up here.

Should I tell him you need a little work?

No, I'll find something.

First of all, don't take jobs you don't want for my sake.

Okay.

It's like if somebody owes you something,

you never know what the etiquette is. Do you mention it?

- Do you... do you not mention it? - Mm-hmm.

Is there an elephant in the room? You know, elephant pointing.

Sometimes it's good, and sometimes it's not good.

- Right, so... - You don't think I know

that you know that you owe me money?

Of course I know you owe me money.

Of course I know you know. For the sake of the friendship,

I'm almost tempted to say, "forget about it.

- You don't owe me a nickel." - Oh, okay, fine then.

I'm almost tempted to do that.

Eh, that... that seems too much of a gesture.

I thought you were a jew, but he takes it to the next level.

He's like the gift shop at the holocaust museum.

On behalf of the FBI, I'd like to thank all of you abductees

for being here and participating in this study.

We are hoping that your combined experiences

can clear up some of the mysteries

behind these disturbing anal probe abductions.

We want to know why.

Why?

Why?

I'm gonna be rich. Oh, this is the gravy train, man.

I'm gonna have so much money, man.

I'm gonna do a butter carving of Mount Rushmore

in my backyard. What the is that?

- Here's the new tracking device. - Where are we putting it?

Three guesses, and who's "we"?

This is why I make the big bucks.

- Oh! - What the... this...

there's somethin' in here already.

Ah!

Oh.

Some sort of bag.

Hmm. It appears to be a ziploc polymer.

Jackpot!

This shit's good.

Oh, such smooth skin.

You think space just stops somewhere?

Whoa!