The Crazy Ones

That were not just blowing smoke.

We would love to work with you.

And not just because your motel chain

is the largest independently on the country.

This Bainbridge motels are part of this country's history.

- My sister's wedding. - Friendly vacation.

After school job.

Magical prom.

Okay. Flammable.

Pressed wood. Bedbugs.

I have no illusions about my motels.

They're small, they're cheap and, until last week,

they were safe from bear attacks.

Good, 'cause we were blowing a lot of smoke.

No, I know! I can see that! Honesty time, everybody.

Lost my virginity. Got drunk and barfed.

Roofied my math teacher.

Wow. I never went to prom.

Oh, kitten. Well, this is

a good group. I like you guys.

I have to be honest: I am meeting with other agencies.

We encourage that. Get out there and listen to other pitches.

We want you to choose your agency based on merit.

You're joking. Of course I am. Choose us 'cause we're pretty.

No, the emcee for my son's bar mitzvah just canceled.

His wife went into premature labor and blah, blah, blah.

This is a disaster.

No, it's not, Beth. Look no further.

I happen to know the best bar mitzvah emcee in all of Chicago.

You do? Mm-hmm.

So let me hear where my real chosen people are at!

Yeah, and now

put your hands together for my main man,

S-S-S-S-Sam Silverberg!

All right, they're feeling it. DJ, cut the music,

cut the music. It's time to dig into those pre-plated salads,

everybody. And, remember, if you want Dr. Z

to visit your bar mitzvah, clean your plates.

You called yourself Dr. Z?

I like you in sequins. No. No, no, no, no. No, no.

We're not just skating over this tragic geek bomb

that's just landed in our laps. It's not a big deal.

I thought I told you about this. I used to be a bar mitzvah emcee Oh, oh,

and... Yeah. really? I think I actually... I would've remembered this.

No. I am no advocate of bullying,

but our friend right here needs to be mercilessly

tortured by his peers right now.

Am I right? I am right. Who's gonna start?

I guess I'm gonna start. Andrew, Andrew.

I'm sorry, but he was magnificent. Hmm.

I knew the moment I met him, he was a star.

You're amazing.

Whose uncle is this?

I'm a Gentile. Happy to be here. Token goy.

All right. I want to make you an offer.

Oh.

I just thought he was hitting on me. Oh...

Dad, are we really gonna pimp Zach out to land a client?

I mean, what happened to getting it on our own merit?

Syd, that was a big part of the biz back in the day. It was fun.

Wooing, schmoozing clients,

getting them to sign before they passed out on a pile of blow.

Oh, those were the days. It's sweet

when he stumbles down memory lane. Yeah. It's adorable.

Sydney, it's a motel chain. It's a year's work for everyone.

And if we get a second one and people land on it,

they'll have to pay us a lot of money.

Wait, that's Monopoly. But the same rules apply.

What do you say? Are you in, Race Car?

Here's the thing. Um, Highland Park has a-a Mm-hmm.

Pretty tight Jewish community.

And it-it might be tricky to run into some people.

Some people? Just how many Jewish girls in Highland Park had

to have their "Zach" tattoo covered with a butterfly? Oh,

fun fact: Jews don't usually get tattoos.

Another fun fact:

an uncircumcised penis looks like a dog in a snood.

Really? There's just

this one girl, a singer. Please.

As this old rabbi once said to me, "Women, feh!"

Eh. Come on.

It's for the agency, Zach.

You're not gonna let me down, are you, son?

Let you down? No.

Feh!

Hey! Is he a mensch?

Give me that punim!

- Beth, I promise you, - Mm-hmm.

If you use Zachary as your bar mitzvah emcee,

you'll be the talk of this town.

Some warm brie? I think it's kosher.

- Thank you. Well, my son's name is Noah. - Okay.

We'll get to him. He sounds great. And it's just gonna be

a real special night for all of us. My first question is:

who is your bar mitzvah singer?

- Mmm. - Ooh, I can't remember her name.

If you can try. We just want to make sure

that you have the best.

- Zoe Gold. - Oh, God.

Zoe Gold's the best. We couldn't get her.

- Oh, sorry. That's great. - I was

furious. I mentioned Zoe to Jennifer Blume,

and she booked her for her daughter's bat mitzvah

the very same night. So unfair.

She already got the good hall.

I can't stand Jennifer Blume or her chubby daughter.

- It's terrible how big that child is getting. - She blew up.

The whole mishpocheh's gigantic.

Let's get to the most important thing.

What's our theme?

Well, after lots of tears and arguments,

my son and I finally compromised on...

"Noah Loves Chicago."

I love it!

Never been done before!

Beth, Beth, Beth, wait, wait a minute.

I just had a vision. Hold on.

We'll have the bar mitzvah here.

How 'bout that? "Noah Loves Chicago." In here?

He'll be looking out on all of it!

And I will not have his sacred night held

in some dank, dark basement.

Well, that's where he was conceived.

I'm kidding!

It was in one of my fleabag motels.

I forgot you even had motels.

Some more expensive champagne?

Oh, well, I really shouldn't.

Oh, yes, you should. Yes!

Now we do bar mitzvahs?

Yeah. What's next?

Renting out this place for a sorority party,

having a butt-chugging station in the corner?

Fun fact: it's the best way to get a buzz

without all the unwanted calories. Sydney,

that's how we'll land this account. We take

all the responsibility for the party,

we get all the credit for creating the greatest moment

in little Noah's life.

She will so owe us.

I do want a motel.

Syd, come on.

Check me out. Look at me now.

Sparkle vest.

What's up? Ooh, robot.

- That's kind of sexy. - What's going on?

No, no. Fun is fun. I forbid you to wear this out.

- It's a great vest. - I didn't raise you to wear sequins.

Life is good. Zach's gonna land us a motel chain while wearing a sparkly vest.

My heart is full, my pupik is an outie.

We are gonna party like it's 5078.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen!

I'm your emcee, Dr. Z, and tonight's prognosis

is fun! Now, I'm here with my party peppers

to take this party to a whole new level! But before

we go any further, I need everybody

to get up out of those seats

and come join us right here on the dance floor!

Come on, party peppers, let's go!

All right, Aunt Sadie.

Twerk it, girl! Show me what you workin' with.

What does he want me to do?

He wants you to twerk it, Aunt Sadie!

Come on, peppers...

Let it rain, Jonah!

Oh!

You're next, Seymour.

Simon, you really went all out.

Oh, I can't wait to see the look on Jennifer Blume's face-lift.

Hard to tell with her. She always looks surprised.

Did you see the hall hockey? We have a signed stick

that Patrick Kane used in the hockey ball super game.

Stanley Cup. Oh. Do you know sports?

- Not really. - Oh, good. Check this out.

The kids are taking selfies and live-streaming.

Old people.

And delete.

There's a really cute guy over there.

I thought you had, like, a "no facial hair" policy

on that list of yours.

I don't have a list. Mmm...

Okay, maybe I have a list that I might possibly have amended

recently to include facial hair.

Well, you're expanding your horizons, and I'm very proud

of you. Well, if you're really proud of me,

then make yourself scarce 'cause he's coming this way.

Feed the big dog, Jonah! Hi.

Was it you or that dude that was checking out my tank?

I'm not judging. I just want to know who to give my number to.

That might have been me.

Is one of these kids yours? Or are you, like, the hot cousin?

Hoping for hot cousin. I'll take hot cousin.

Am I charming you right now? I feel like I'm charming you

right now. A little bit. A little bit, yeah. Maybe you want

to take my number now, though. You know, just in case you're gonna mess it up.

How did you know that's what I do? Did I hit on you already tonight?

Sydney, can you please explain to the bartender

that he can serve 13-year-olds because they're technically men?

I will talk to the bartender.

And you... don't.