The Cleveland Show

* my name is cleveland brown *

* and I am proud to be *

* right back in my hometown *

* with my new family *

* there's old friends and new friends *

* and even a bear *

* through good times and bad times *

* it's true love we share *

* and so I found a place *

* where everyone will know *

* my happy mustached face *

* this is the cleveland show. *

I love minor league baseball.

Nothing like watching a bunch of people I've never heard of

Not play very well.

One bounce! Coming along, george, coming along!

George: Thank you!

("take me out to the ball game" playing over speakers)

Bottom of the eighth, one-nothing.

Too bad we were in the bathroom for that home run.

I'm sorry I needed you to hold my arms, daddy,

But I didn't want to sit on the wet seat.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Having good time at the ballgame.

Announcer: You know what that tune means?

It's time for the kiss cam,

Brought to you by waterman cable.

Waterman cable-- we're a monopoly.

Ooh, chocolate-vanilla swirl, chocolate-vanilla swirl!

Ha! You get it, man!

They're gonna make a baby derek jeter.

cleveland, it's your hot stepdaughter and her boyfriend.

Oh. Hey, what year was she born again?

She's not born again.

Born-agains are crazy and off-putting.

Hold my beer, rallo.

This will not stand!

Bad hormone-riddled adolescent! Bad, bad!

Cleveland, what is it?!

It's roberta, and it's bad!

Really bad!

Oh, my god, what, cleveland?!

This afternoon-- I'm sorry.

I ran up the stairs.

Where's roberta?! (panting and groaning)

I'm gonna need... That glass of water.

This afternoon at the baseball game, roberta and federline

Were all over each other, groping, squeezing, petting,

Dry-humping, tongues wagging,

Probably causing a dot on his underpants.

Oh, it was bad.

They were making out at the ball game?

That's it? Cleveland, roberta's fine.

She's a teenager.

That's why I've already had the safe-sex talk with her

In case she does make that choice.

Donna, your idea of safe sex is why

Roberta's here today.

Nasty, nasty roberta.

Mmm, good sundaes.

Roberta, do you know what a hymen is?

That jewish guy that works at the video store?

That's right.

And you know what he told me?

He told me that a young woman's virginity is precious.

Please stay a virgin, roberta.

What?! I've overheard you with your friends

Bragging about how many girls you slept with in high school.

True,

But they were terrible women.

Most of them are dead!

Fed and I aren't even doing anything that bad,

And what we are doing is none of your damn business!

How about that, huh?

Kids today. Just makes you think about our country's values.

Have we lost our way?

Heck, did we ever even have our way?

Time was, everybody knew everybody else.

People said hello, and they meant it.

Folks went to bed at a decent time,

And jeans were only worn by prisoners.

Someone would invite you over for coffee,

And you'd wind up talking for eight straight days.

Some people think this modern society's an improvement.

My question is: "an improvement on what?"

Roberta, please pass me the olive oil.

The extra-virgin kind, not the regular kind

That is not virgin

And therefore is a lesser olive oil

Because the flavor has been tainted,

Causing it to be gross and much cheaper

Since nobody wants it.

May I be excused, mother?

Yes, you may.

Cleveland, what do you think you're doing?

I told you I'd taken care of this.

I know you think you did,

But every girl needs a man to tell her

What to do with her body.

That's just common sense.

Why is it so important for roberta to be a virgin, daddy?

Well, thank you, cleveland, jr.

If I told you that you could open up a new soda pop

Or drink one that had had seven penises in it,

Which one would you prefer?

I would probably go with the new soda pop

'cause the other one might have blood in it.

Because the other one might have blood in it.

You know, you know, cleveland, for, for centuries

The christian church has been frowning on sex

And other fun things.

Our pastor is giving a sermon on teen abstinence this Sunday.

You-you should come

And bring that slutty stepdaughter of yours.

I think that's a great idea.

Any other new business?

Then we're adjourned.

What are these people wearing?

Rallo: It's like they're going to a happy funeral.

Oh, the pageantry!

My humble sweater vest looks foolish amongst

These fancy hats of fruit, feathers and foliage.

I need to go to the haberdasher.

Let me get a hookup from my man donovan mcnabb.

Uh, philadelphia, residence.

Donovan mcnabb.

"not listed"?

Dallas, texas, residence.

Michael irving.

Connect me.

Yo, playmaker, it's rallo.

Listen, man, I need a hookup on a suit.

Rallo, your phone's made of chocolate.

You're made of chocolate.

Sorry about that, michael.

Michael? Oh, man, he hung up.

Probably went to go stab a guy in the neck with scissors.

May the peace of the lord be with you.

All: Holla!

Today's word is about resisting temptation,

About calming those fires that burn in our loins.

All: Mm-hmm.

Those fires that can lead

To destruction in our lives

And turn promise into despair.

All: * come on. Ease on down, ease on down the road. *

All right, look, look, at this point,

I gotta ask the congregation to please refrain from shouting

Stereotypical responses and/or catchphrases

To everything I say.

All: Oh... Snap!

all right, let us turn to a reading

Of the letter of chlamydias to the gonorrheans:

Teenage sex is yuck city.

It'll leadeth to pregnancy,

Obesity, illiteracy and diseasacy.

Gross!

But there is a hope all across this great land.

Teenagers are taking a pledge, the purity pledge;

To hand over their virginity to their fathers,

The high priests of the home.

Hear that?

I'm the high priest of our home.

I would like roast beef for dinner.

Shut the (bleep) up!

So I ask who here will be saved

And take this honorable purity pledge?

I will. I, brandy young, pledge my virginity to my dad!

I, jocelyn beokabatuka, pledge my virginity to my dad.

I, laura davis, pledge my virginity to my dad.

Roberta, I'd very much like your virginity.

Give me it! Give me it!

Give me your virginity!

I, cleveland brown, jr., pledge my virginity to my dad,

Cleveland brown. What?

All: No, he didn't!

: This place, always something.

And the best part is, the reverend says

The girls and I get to go to a purity ball...

...With our dads!

We gotta go shopping, daddy,

So we can get matching suits.

(growl turns to laughter)

Aah!

Junior, we're not going to that dance.

What's wrong, cleveland?

You don't like balls

As much as your son likes balls?

you know what, junior?

You and your dad should go to that dance,

Because teenage chastity is so important,

Isn't that why you took us

To church today, cleveland?

Oh, man, this is going even worse than when I invented

That portable shoe toilet.

Well, it saved me a trip to the bathroom,

But now I'm gonna have to worry about spilling it all day.