Fam

Whew. I don't know what's happening to me.

I have never been happier, but the closer the wedding gets,

the more I feel the urge to burst into tears.

I don't even get why you guys want to get married.

I mean, look at Dad. He's been married four times.

Once just 'cause he wanted new silverware.

My point is,

you want to ruin a relationship, get married.

Yeah, I maybe wouldn't lead with that in your toast.

Hey, Dad.

See, it's happening again.

- What's with her? - Marriage.

Clem. Shannon.

Guy who's getting me a beer.

Hey, he acknowledged me!

What's up, Dad?

First of all, how flexible is this start time for the wedding?

'Cause I found some Yankee tickets...

In the pocket of a dead guy at a crime scene?

Nailed it, sweetheart.

You have to be on time, Dad.

You're walking me down the aisle.

For once in your life, do the right thing

and sell that murder victim's tickets on StubHub.

Okay, okay.

Of course. I'll be there.

Anyway, I got something I want to give you.

A camcorder from 1980.

You shouldn't have. And it is strange that you did.

No, it's what's on the VHS tape inside.

The camcorder's just to hook up to your TV so you can watch it.

So, what's on the tape?

Well, you remember when you were ten

and your mom died?

Yes.

Well, she knew it was coming for a while,

and, uh, she made this tape for you, Clem.

She asked me to give it to you shortly before your wedding.

Seriously?

I can't believe this.

Should I watch it now?

Up to you. But I will need this camcorder back.

I'm watching Caddyshack this weekend.

I can't believe I'm gonna get to see my mom.

Wow.

You know, I got to say, Freddy, I mean,

- for you to keep something like this... - Dibs on leather chair.

Yeah.

All right. Here we go.

Hi, Clemmy.

If you're watching this,

you are about to be married.

And your dad hasn't lost this tape.

Both of which are things to be celebrated.

Uh, nothing would make me happier

than to be able to be there with you today.

To get to know the person that you've chosen.

To see my beautiful little girl all grown-up.

Look, I don't pretend to know everything about marriage,

but if I had to give you one piece of advice,

it would be this.

Baywatch?!

Oh, this is not good.

You taped over

my dead mother's final words to me

for an episode of Baywatch?!

People, we are in the homestretch.

The wedding is in two days,

and we can afford no mishaps.

Shannon, I am looking at you.

No arrests, no ditching town,

and, please, no vaping in the wedding pictures.

Okay, very rude singling me out.

But yeah, I was gonna do all of those things.

And, Freddy,

given your very important role

of walking this beauty down the aisle,

combined with your label

of the least dependable person in this family...

Ha! In your face, Shannon.

...we will be sending a limo

to make sure that you arrive at the venue on time.

Rose, will it be a problem

that I'm not speaking to my father right now?

Because I'm not speaking to my father right now.

Clem, I feel terrible. I took the tape down

to the boys at the lab. They work wonders.

So fingers crossed they can recover something.

Nick, will you please ask my father

if that's even possible?

They're making it their top priority.

I told them not to solve any murders until this gets done.

Moving on.

Clem, where are we with the marriage license?

All good. Going to the courthouse to get it tomorrow.

Great. What time is your appointment?

My appointment?

Oh, God.

Please tell me you have an appointment.

I didn't think that you needed one.

I figured you could just show up.

What happens if we can't get the license tomorrow?

Well, you can still go through with the ceremony.

You just won't be legally married

until you actually get your license.

Well, I don't want to get fake married.

I want it to mean something when I say "I do"

in front of my friends and my family...

and all those other people that Rose invited.

Yeah, I don't want to get fake married, either.

I want everything to be perfect.

This is the only wedding I'll ever have.

That's cute.

See? Everything's working out.

We're gonna get our license, everything's back on track,

and I didn't waste any time "making an appointment."

Yeah, and it's my first time at the courthouse

without being cuffed.

Sounds like it's a big day for everybody.

So sorry. Just to confirm,

your name is Clementine Barnes?

Born New York, June 4, 1991?

Yes.

Clementine Lawrence Taylor Barnes?

Damn it, Dad.

Yes.

Your middle name is Lawrence Taylor?

How did I not know that?

Says here you're already married.

- What? - What?!

How did I not know that, L.T.?

So, Clem, any other secrets I should know about?

Are you in the CIA?

Are you actually your own evil twin?

Did you have a lesbian phase?

You know I had a lesbian phase.

I know. I just like hearing about it.

There he is. My husband.

Clemmy.

Ben, I need a divorce.

This is my date, David.

Super confused but loving the drama.

Do you remember a few years ago

when we had what we thought was a pretend wedding in Vegas?

It turns out it wasn't pretend.

We are really married.

Oh, my God, are we the cutest?

I mean, we're not not cute.

Cosmo.

Yeah, I'm gonna need to see some I.D.

Oh, of course.

Thank you, Phyllis.

You're welcome, dear.

Ben, we need you to come with us right now.

We've got to fix this.

David, I apologize,

but I have to cut this date short.

My wife needs me.

You'd be surprised how often I hear that.

Okay, so the last thing

before we grant the annulment:

Can you attest that the marriage was never consummated?

- Uh... - I'll handle this.

We were in Vegas to see Céline Dion.

That's good enough for the state of New York.

So, that's it? We're not married anymore?

Which means that we can get married.

Correct.

Or you'll be able to in two weeks,

once the paperwork's approved.

Oh, uh, let me get this straight.

The "approved" stamp is right there,

and the paperwork is right there,

but you won't stamp it for two weeks?

I mean, if it's really important to you,

I can stamp it right now.

But I can't give it to you for two weeks.

Wait, what am I even saying?

I can't even do that. But just saying it

made me feel more alive than I've felt in years.

Well, can't you speak to your supervisor or something?

Oh, we're gonna do that dance?

I'll be right back.

Dude, maybe this whole thing is just a sign.

Our family just isn't cut out for marriage.

I mean, think about Dad and Jolene.

Or Dad and Carol.

Or Dad and Other Carol.

Look, I get your concern, but I am nothing like Dad.

Yeah, I mean, you've only had one failed marriage.

Hey, don't talk to my wife that way.

Okay, that didn't feel right.

So, I spoke to my supervisor,

and there's nothing we can do.

Well, I'd like to speak to them.

Full disclosure, there is no supervisor.

I was just nuking a burrito.

Well, I guess our wedding's gonna be a sham.

I'm sorry, Nick.

- It's... - Clem. Clem.