Kevin James: Never Don't Give Up

Yeah!

Siege

Yeah, yeah!

And when you hear the sound Of the drum

We'll be saying, "Here we come!"

Yeah, here we come

Hey, here we come

Huh! Here we come

Here we come

Yeah, here we come

Hey, here we come

Hey, here we come

Here we come

Wow.

New York!

I gotta be honest, I was not expecting that.

I was expecting a little more. I just felt...

I felt like you had a little in the gas tank and kinda....

Get that picture. Get it. I wasn't ready, hold on.

Come on. I'm always in bad pictures.

I want to take a good one, like I'm doing something.

There you go. You got it? All right, good.

I just took a picture with a group of ladies backstage.

Very nice, older ladies, very sweet.

I don't mind taking pictures.

I just wish the person they elect to take the picture...

had seen a cell phone camera once before.

I get locked into say cheese position...

"She doesn't know what she's doing, does she?"

She's just standing there. "I...

I don't... I don't know what I'm doing. I don't...

I see me. I'm taking pictures of me.

No... Now I got it. Sorry.

Nope. I'm in Google Maps, hold on a second."

You're just stuck there.

"It's fine. It's fine. Yeah, it's fine. It's fine.

It's all right. It happens all the time. It's all good.

Yeah, your lower back is sweaty. Yeah. Yeah.

Somebody had a Caesar salad earlier, huh?"

I was in Atlanta at the airport waiting for my bag,

and this woman asked to take a picture,

and I was like, "Sure, no problem," and she takes out her iPhone,

and she just holds it on me, and I'm just standing there.

She doesn't say anything. I'm just standing there.

Finally, I just started smiling on my own.

Still nothing.

Then I started turning into it to let her know I was ready, like...

"There you go. This is it.

Snap it!"

Finally, I was like, "Did you get it?"

She goes like this, she goes, "Nope. I'm getting it."

"I'm getting it?"

She's video recording me from a foot away.

Like I'm a panda at the zoo.

And then she was like, "Could you do something?"

"Could I? Yeah, yeah. How about I sweep your legs out from under you,

watch your hip bounce off the mosaic tile? How about that?

Let's see if we can keep filming with a shattered hip. How does that feel?"

When do you watch that video? When are you ever gonna watch that video?

When does it come up? When are you like, "Honey, know what?

Let's do it tonight.

Yes, let's crack open a bottle of wine. We'll invite the gang over

and watch a random clip of someone who doesn't know they're being filmed.

Remember how much fun we had last week watching Coolio at the dry cleaners?

Tonight we got Kevin James looking very confused at baggage claim.

Check it out."

"Did you get it? Are you good? Did you get it?

You good? Did you get it?"

God forbid somebody walks in late, "I gotta rewind it, hold on a second."

This one older guy wanted to take a picture. He had a walker.

First off, is there going to come a time in my life

where I see a walker without the tennis balls on the bottom?

Honestly, all the technology we have nowadays.

Could we please slow down production on the next iPhone...

and just dedicate a couple guys from Apple...

to work on the tennis ball on the walker problem

we have running rampant in this country?

It's gonna take 'em what, seven minutes? They'll bang out a solution.

This guy had an active walker, too. He had a handbrake on the walker.

How fast are you walking?

I thought walking was the problem. That's why you got a walker.

You got a walker.

Now you have a handbrake on the walker in case things get out of control.

'Cause you never know when you're walking along a highway,

someone sneaks up behind you, bumps the horn, you get all crazy legs...

and Riverdance off into the woods.

You guys are fun. You guys are good.

That's why I'm not doing an encore. Gonna give you the whole show up front.

I don't like encores, they're insincere. I don't like 'em. They're fake. You know?

I went and saw Aerosmith in concert about three, four years ago.

And they were great, by the way. They were fantastic,

but they didn't play their best song. They didn't play "Dream On."

And then they walked off stage,

and the whole audience had to stand on their feet clapping for 15 minutes

before Aerosmith came back out and finished their job.

You know you're gonna play "Dream On."

The whole arena knows you're playing "Dream On."

"Let's cut the dance, Steven Tyler. I got a babysitter needs me home by 11.

Can we--

You owe me 'Dream On.' You owe it to me."

Entertainment's the only profession that does it.

You don't see your accountant, like, "Well, here are most of your taxes.

Good night!"

"You didn't finish!"

"Let's see how loud you can get it out there, maybe I'll come back.

Just not feeling it right now. I am not feeling it."

They gotta stand out there with their cell phones,

"Come on, Irv, close with the refund!

You forgot the refund, Irv!"

I had to get my eyesight checked, so I went to Pearle Vision Center,

and as I'm walking in the store, in the front window of the store,

they have a massive poster of this little boy opening a birthday present

and it's a pair of eyeglasses.

And he couldn't have been happier. He was--

He had, like, a little tear cracking on the side, just rolling down his face.

What kind of sick parent...

gives their child eyeglasses as a gift?

"Well, you know, Leonard, you were very good this year.

You pulled in an A-minus average. You were very good to your sister.

You did everything your father and I asked of you, so...

this year...

we're gonna give you the gift of sight!

Enjoy vision, Leonard. Enjoy it!

Not gonna lie, we were on the fence.

Your father is still against it, but I was like, 'Larry, he deserves it.'

So, happy birthday, welcome to vision. You get focus, Leonard. You get focus."

"Thank you, Mommy."

"No. No problem. Now you run and get your Christmas crutches and hurry back.

We'll talk about that dentist trip that's always been on your wish list."

By the way, quick announcement to the lactose intolerant community.

If I offer you ice cream,

and you can't have any,

just say, "No, thank you."

That's it. There is no joke. That's just the message I want to get out there.

I want to silence the lactose intolerant.

I don't need to know the havoc

dairy products are gonna wreak on your bowels...

right before I'm about to dig into my rocky road.

Are we clear? Are we good?

You didn't win an award. Gotta work it into every conversation?

Why would you ever bring it up? You can feel them wanting to bring it up.

They're, like, trying to work it in. It's like double dutch for them.

They're like...

You could be at a buffet table. You just feel it.

"That looks yummy, but I probably can't have it. Wanna know why?"

"No. I don't care why. I have no interest.

Just the fact that I can enjoy it without any problems is enough for me."

"You know what it is? I don't want to bother you.

I'm just gonna let you know, I'm lactose intolerant!

Totally intolerant to lactose.

Sorry, it's just better for both of us, just so you know. It's out there.

I'm lactose intolerant.

And I do CrossFit.

That's it. That's all I wanted to say.

You know, when I was first diagnosed LI, I...

I decided that very moment I was gonna live every day to the fullest

and just not let the little things bother me anymore, unless, of course,

they contain dairy.

Then they're gonna bother me quite a bit then, but that's me.

That is my cross to bear and anyone who can hear the sound of my voice.

That's it."

Lactose intolerant.

It didn't exist 30 years ago.

You can't name one person who was lactose intolerant 30 years ago,

'cause it did not exist.

Actually it did. It's called a tummy ache.

Toughen up, America. Toughen up!

If you're a man and you're lactose intolerant,

why would you ever bring that up to another man?

Can you imagine Spartacus? Like...

In the arena after, like, twisting a tiger's neck, and he's like,

"What's that? Coffee with half-and-half? I can't have that. I get booboo belly.

I can't do it. I'm lactose intolerant. I'm lactose intolerant.

Do you have a non-dairy creamer? Can you get a non-dairy creamer?"

Where are the men?

Where have they gone?

Know what I think of men?

I think of that picture in the 1930s of those construction workers

sitting high above New York City,

right, sitting on that steel beam.

Right.

Just eating their lunch. They're eating their lunch.

Can you imagine if the fifth guy in was like, "Hey...

Is this cheddar cheese on my sandwich? I can't have this.

I'm lactose intolerant."

"Is that like polio?"

"No! I get yucky tummy. "You guys got to scootch over!

Move your knees, I gotta get by. I gotta get by, guys!

Let me by. Can you guys let me by?"

"We gotta lower the beam!"

They would throw him off the back of that beam!

Lactose int-- there is not a more annoying group on the planet.

Check that, a gluten douche.

My apologies, the gluten douche trumps the lactose intolerant.

Because the lactose intolerant is just annoying,

but a gluten douche is a night-wrecker.

Right? 'Cause they'll make you switch restaurants. They'll be...

"I don't like this. Can we go where they have some gluten-free options?

Do you mind if we switch restaurants?"

"No! Order what you want, I'll eat the gluten out of it.