Marry Me

Okay, everybody.

Look at this sweet little baby I just picked up. Ooh!

- Ha ha! - Ooh!

A cornucopia is a traditional... I don't know.

I really just don't know what it is.

I know it's used for thanksgiving,

Which is why I want to use it here when we...

host our first thanksgiving!

What? No, no, no, no, my mom always hosts.

And she hosts the crap out of it, by the way, you know.

Her "gwavy" is "subwime."

Her "tuwkey" is a "wittle swice of heawen."

That is not a good look, buddy.

"Agwee" to "disagwee."

Jake, since we are now "engagedlyweds"...

Give it a chance... we need to start hosting things ourselves.

Growing up, I never had a normal thanksgiving.

My dads always took us to "ibitha,"

And eating turkey fajitas to thumping techno music

Is not as charming as it sounds.

It sounds like a damn nightmare.

Jake, please, I really want to host this, like,

Norman Rockwell-esque thanksgiving,

Where I come out, and I'm holding the turkey like this,

And everyone's like, "oh, my god, how does she do it?

"She makes it look so easy.

"She's like Jackie O. Meets Murphy brown

With, like, Jennifer aniston's arms"...

Or whatever stuff you guys want to say in the moment.

Is Jen pregnant, or isn't she?

I feel like she's just toying with me at this point.

Please, it will be really fun.

We can cook and watch those sports games,

And all our friends can pitch in.

Cheese and crackers! I call cheese and crackers.

Yes! Easiest dish!

- Napkins! - Damn it!

- Ice! - Man alive!

- Do those really count? - See?

Half of the work is already done already.

This thanky-G is gonna be a piece of "C."

What are you talking about? Zero of the work is done, okay?

I mean, Annie, you're crazy if you think...

That I'm not on board with what you want to do,

Because I totally am. Aw. Thank you.

But let's figure out how we're going to handle your mom,

Because I think it should be delicate.

We should probably tell her together,

Most likely somewhere

Between her third and fourth gin and tonic.

Yeah, totally. No, she'll be fine.

She'll be good. I mean, it'll be great.

It will be good. It'll be "grood,"

You know, so really, really "grood."

- "grood"? - She'll be really "grood."

Wow, mom. Another amazing meal.

I mean, you sure know how to fricassee a rabbit.

That was a rabbit? My favorite animal.

You know, if I had my way,

You two would have dinner here every night.

- Oh. - Except Saturday,

When Cici has her bath.

- Aw, little Cici. - Aw, little Cici.

- Oh, little Cici. - That little dog...

It always looks so hungry.

I can see through the flesh on her legs.

Yeah, she's more eel than dog.

But beautiful, just a beautiful specimen.

So, uh, what else?

Anybody else got anything? Oh, Jake!

Didn't you have something you wanted to talk about?

Mm, honestly, not really.

I mean, we covered the rabbit. We talked about the dog.

- I'm good. - Nothing else?

Hit it.

Okay.

So, Myrna...

Thanksgiving is coming up, and you always do

Such a beautiful job hosting.

- Oh... - but we were thinking,

This year...

I have a bathroom emergency.

Excuse me one second. I'm so sorry.

Okay, you are classy till the end, Jake.

- You were saying? - I was saying, Myrna...

Or mom-Na... can I call you that? Mom-Na?

Let's just stick with Myrna.

How would you feel about maybe Jake and I

Hosting thanksgiving this year?

Oh.

Oh?

- Oh. - Oh?

- Oh. - Oh.

Oh, yes, oh, as in "oh, what a good idea."

It'll be so cute.

Great.

- Great. - Great.

- Great! - Great!

Great! Oh, you figured out the whole thanksgiving thing.

I'm sorry, I wish I was here. I always miss the good stuff.

But you have to let me contribute in some way.

- Oh, mom, don't be silly. - I know.

Why don't I get you a dining-room table?

Your empty dining room makes me sad.

Oh, I don't want you to be sad when you come to our house.

No, come on. Oh, thanks, mom. That's so sweet.

Isn't that sweet, Annie? So sweet.

It's crazy how sweet it is.

Getting a table out of the deal.

Pfft, napkins and ice.

You two women should be ashamed of yourselves

For taking those ideas before I thought of them.

Hey, napkins are a lot harder to buy than most people think.

Ooh! There they are.

Oh, hello.

All righty, ready when you are.

You're taking American cheese singles

To a holiday dinner party?

Was the last thanksgiving you went to

Hosted by a garbage pail kid?

Ha ha. You're hilarious, Kay.

But you know you're not supposed

That the garbage pail kids are real.

God. Talking to you is not great.

Couldn't help but overhear that you might be in the market

For some cheese.

- Yeah. - How formal is your soiree,

On a scale from governor's ball to tete-a-tete?

It's casual, but there will be pants.

Okay, here, why don't you try some easy-going Gouda?

Mmm, that is easy-going...

Smokey, rich, hint of cocoa. Uhhuh.

Just a kiss of... Walnut?

Wow. That is quite a palette you have there.

Could I interest you in something a little stronger?

Sure, I got nothing else going on.

Okay.

Here, try this. Be careful.

It's pretty intense.

Mmm. Well, that's very nice.

I'm tasting the wet earth of a cave?

Oh, my god. That is incredible.

That is a cave-aged reblochon.

You know, I don't throw this word around a lot,

Mainly because it's a little silly,

But you are what we in the cheese community

Like to call a prodi-cheese.

Wow. That's the first compliment I've gotten

In 11 weeks.

Listen, uh,

There's only so much I can serve during the day,

If you want to taste something really special,

Come back after hours.

You know I'm not gay, right?

Not that I have an issue with that kind of thing.

Frankly, if I was gay, you'd probably be my type.

I mean, we clearly have a rapport going here,

And I am pretty lonely these days.

- Not gay. - Great!

- Okay, great. - Yeah.

I'll see you tonight.

Well, that was a freakin' nightmare.

Wait. What? What are you talking about?

Not only is she totally cool with us hosting,

But she's also buying us a table!

I mean, you yourself said it was sweet.

Aw. Simple, pretty, blue-eyed Jake.

- Thank you. - Don't you get it?

The moment you proposed, your mother and I entered

Into a lifelong chess match

To determine who is the most important woman in your life.

- You did? - The war between wife

And mother-in-law is a tale

As old as everybody loves Raymond.

What? No, honey, I think you've got it completely wrong.

I mean, my mom is known for three things...

Her sweater sets, her generosity,

And keeping our house at a cool 66 degrees, and that's it.

Didn't you see what she just did in there?

She sacrificed her thanksgiving-hosting rook

To king my queen in the dining room with a candlestick.

That analogy is barely chess. It's mostly checkers.

And you sprinkled in a little clue at the end.

It's the last great board game, and I love it!

Well, I think trivial pursuit would have

Something to say about that.

Look, this table is about more than a holiday.

It's permanent, and it's chock-full of judgment about me,

About my table-buying abilities, and if we accept it,

Every dinner we host will only be because of Myrna.

Every zappos box and piece of mail

Will only have a place to sit because of Myrna.

Every time we have sex on that table,

She'll be there, judging my technique.

Well, your technique is flawless.

Look, I just really want you to be on my team with this one.

It is really important to me

That we do this thanksgiving ourselves.

Okay, yes, of course, sure.

I mean, what am I thinking? Yes.