Mozart in the Jungle

Welcome to John F. Kennedy...

- It's going to be a great trip, Michel, you'll see.

It's gonna be life-changing.

I can't believe a man of your sophistication

has never been outside of the United States.

Fuck you, man.

I've been to Canada once when I was 11.

- Oh, man, no, but ours is a very deep culture, you know?

It's full of, you know, this mix of indigenous people

from all over the world just put together, you know?

Just--you've been with a Latin American woman ever?

- No, just the trip to Canada. - Oh, man, you'll see.

They'll--you'll love it, and they'll love you,

yeah, because you're a big piece of meat.

They'll devour you. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, man, I'm a bit nervous with this whole

kind of "prodigal son returns" scenario, you know?

It's a bit ominous.

What if I kill my father or sleep with my mother?

- I'm sorry, Mr. Marusa? - Yeah.

Your passport's expired.

- Oh, no. Maestro? - What?

I can't believe this is actually happening.

We get to play in all these cool places,

go to these amazing museums, go shopping,

and, like, eat room service.

- I remember how excited I was the first time.

Now it's just, like, one big blur of airports and minibars.

- Hailey? - But minibars are cool.

Hailey? Oh, thank God.

Oh, I fucked up, and I need your help.

My passport expired,

and you need to take care of Rodrigo.

- No, no, I'm an actual member of the orchestra now.

- So I can't do that. - No, no, no.

All his whole itinerary and everything is all laid out.

Just make sure he stays hydrated

and that he uses lots of sun block 'cause he's worried his--

No, no, no, this isn't happening.

I need time to practice, and plus I am a young woman

who is single going on tour for the first time.

I should be trashing hotel rooms

and, like, sleeping with hot Latin dudes.

Rodrigo is a Latin dude.

Plus, you're the only one he trusts.

Thank you.

Attention, passengers,

we'll be landing shortly in Mexico City.

For those of you visiting, have a wonderful stay.

For everyone else, bienvenido a casa.

And here's your key. Thank you very much.

Okay, folks, come get your packets here.

Only take pink-colored taxis organized by the hotel,

and as in other countries, stick to bottled water.

Oh, looks like someone needs a diaper change.

I'm planning on a margarita by the pool

if you want to join me.

- You know, I'm gonna go get some presents for the girls.

I'm gonna ask the concierge where I should go.

Have fun.

There's that guy.

What did he say?

He said we better not fuck up.

- All the other papers are writing great things.

Why are you obsessing over one shitty article?

Because I'm alive, "Hai Lai."

Because I'm a human being, okay?

Have you heard anything from Maestro Rivera?

Remember, he is to be seated at the special box.

I know. You told me five times.

- I'm on it. - Good, good, good, good, good.

Maestro Rivera, he's my-- my mentor, my father figure,

my--my teacher.

I mean, I don't-- he has to be there.

Look, look, that's where we're gonna be playing.

Over there, you see?

That's Bellas Artes. What else?

I'm still working on the seating chart

and waiting to hear back from all your cousins

on your mother's side.

And also, um, did you look into getting an assistant

for while we're down here?

"Hai Lai," I don't-- I don't have time.

I mean, it's--this concert means everything, okay?

It has to be perfect.

I know, and I want it to be perfect.

That's why I need time to practice.

Did you know that Andrew Walsh gets up every morning

at 4:30 A.M. and practices?

Andrew Walsh?

You're talking to me about-- how do you know that?

I read it in an interview.

Oh, my God, look, it's Bob and Dee Dee.

Yo, hola, Maestro.

Hey, Dee Dee, Bob the Union, what's up?

I'm so glad, Dee Dee, that you're a connoisseur

of the local specialties.

That's so good. And what about you, Bob?

I'm all set.

- No, come on, no, no. You're breaking my heart.

- Why? - No, Bob, no.

Do you want some?

Um, no, I'll pass.

- What is that? - It's a mystery.

That's why it tastes so good, you know?

Mmm, mmm, mmm! Mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm!

Whoa, "Hai Lai," hey!

Hey, the United States took away my stomach, "Hai Lai."

Hang on just one second. Drink some water.

You'll feel better. You'll feel better.

No, I'm never gonna eat...

a mystery taco ever in my life.

- Yes, it is imperative that Maestro Rivera sit in the box,

so maybe Juan Delgado could just sit somewhere else.

Sorry, one second.

- "Hai Lai," I need you. - I'm doing my job.

- I need you, no. - Drink the water.

I need you!

Uh, no, everything's fine.

This is a total PR nightmare.

No, I will be able to play.

Oh, Maestro, I am so sorry.

I feel like such an idiot.

- Wait a minute, I think we can get a shitload

of great coverage out of this.

I mean, think about it: our brave orchestra member

ventures into exotic lands

to bring art and culture, and what happens?

He gets mugged and his priceless Bergonzi violin stolen.

Tell that to Juan Delgado

when we ask him to write us a $10 million check.

- Wow, Craig, do you honestly-- this is your best one.

This is incredible

because you're profiting from a terrible situation, okay?

Yes, you don't know culture; you don't know culture

even if it was written in English with a neon light.

- The insurance company says I got to file a police report.

- No police report, no police report, no police report.

But in order to make a claim--

Sit down.

No, if there's a Bergonzi on the move,

I know the right person to call.

You called, Maestro.

Warren Boyd,

I present you to my very good friend Manuel, Manu,

or you can call him El Bichito.

El Bichito? What does that mean?

It means either I'm your best friend

or your worst nightmare.

- Hola. - Hola.

Amigo, are you going to introduce me

to your lovely lady?

She's not my lady-- - I'm Hailey.

I play the second oboe in the orchestra.

She's very lovely. She's my assistant.

Just for a couple of weeks.

Yeah, and she has a lot of emails, right?

I could--

Why not-- why not do it now?

Adios.

There's 22 million people in Mexico City.

How you gonna find one violin?

It's not problem finding your violin.

All we have to do is talk to our old friend Erasmo.

Finding Erasmo is the problem.

Nah, don't listen to him. Don't listen to him.

- Don't listen. - No one knows where he lives.

He has no cell phone, always on the move,

but I know where he hangs out and who he hangs out with.

So this is where Erasmo hangs out, huh?

- No, this is where Paula, Manu's wife, she works here.

Oh.

Warren Boyd, please relax.

Watch the pretty girls.

Some of them give massages, you know?

With the joyful ending.

Let's get you a drink.

Maybe a Diet Coke or something, por favor?

- Tell me everything that happened this morning.

- Okay, after we checked into the hotel, I asked the concierge

where I could buy some presents for my family.

What was his name, this concierge?

I don't remember. Oh, yeah. It was Victor.

So he gave me the address,

and then when I got to the street,

these two guys appeared out of nowhere.

One of them hits me on the head.

The other one grabs my violin case.

- Why did you take your violin with you if it's so valuable?

My insurance policy.

It's got to be with me at all times.

Wait.

Was that him? Did you find Erasmo?

Getting close, very close indeed.

Come on, let's go.

Oh, Warren.

Warren Boyd, oh, she's saying

that she likes your maturity, your experience,

and that she would love to exchange anecdotes.