Guys with Kids

Guys with Kids is taped iin front of a live studio audience.

Boys, the time has come.

We've been without a TV for six months.

Now, we've had some quality time as a family, but...

It's time to put all that behind us.

The great sale is near.

Boys: Black Friday!

Yes. Yes!

I just have to be one of the first seven people

in line when they open the doors the night of Thanksgiving,

and I will take home a $4,000 television

for $100!

Okay, Gary. Have fun in line.

Oh, Marny, I'm surprised how well you're taking

that I'll be missing Thanksgiving

to spend three days in line.

This level of understanding

is out of character for you and...

giving me the heebie-jeebies.

Oh, I'd be furious if I actually thought

you were gonna miss Thanksgiving.

Oh, you don't think I can do it?

Gary, you don't do well with cold.

You actually have Yoda warm up the toilet seat for you.

It's part of the boy's allowance, all right?

Men, gather round.

They told the Pilgrims

that they would die on the cold shores of America.

A lot of them did.

In honor of those who didn't,

I'm getting me a big-ass TV.

Good-bye, family. I love ya.

I like that guy.

Oh, Sheila, it shouldn't be this hard

to figure out who gets Ernie for Thanksgiving.

Fine. Let's cut to the chase.

Ernie, who do you want to spend Thanksgiving with?

I'm joking.

But if he somehow does indicate me,

I think we should honor it.

Okay... fine. Um, how about this?

Since we can't decide, you, me, and Ernie spend

his first Thanksgiving together.

So just me, my son, and my ex-wife.

Should we really kill a turkey for that?

You know, I could see what my friends are doing.

I hate your friends. You hate your friends.

Who doesn't hate their friends?

I don't.

I love my friends.

Well, what are they doing for Thanksgiving?

Uh, Nick and Emily are going to his cousin's.

Gary's waiting in line for three days to get a cheap TV.

Oh, I never thought I'd know one of those people.

Uh, well, okay. It's too bad.

I was thinking, if they were around,

I would have them all over.

You would? Why?

Well, I live in the building now.

You all have your Sunday night dinners together,

and I'm never included.

I don't get to use the Costco card you all share.

Would you ever buy in bulk?

Ugh. No.

But I would like the opportunity to decline.

The truth is, I always feel a little like

an outsider here.

Having everyone over for Thanksgiving

would be a great opportunity for me to become

part of the group.

But now it'll just be you, me, Ernie,

and whatever delicious treat PBS has on tap for us.

Oh, Ernie, we're in trouble.

Uh, actually, you know, Marny is free.

And I'm sure I could get Nick and Emily

to change their plans, so--

Great. Then that's settled.

Just like the Pilgrims won over the Wampanoag,

this Thanksgiving, I too will win over a group

of unsophisticated savages.

Mm. Emily,

you have outdone yourself with the stuffing this year.

That is not cooked yet.

There are raw eggs in that. You'll get salmonella.

I mean, the damage is done. I'm gonna keep at it.

Hey. Get this.

Sheila and I couldn't decide who gets Ernie for Thanksgiving,

so it's just gonna be the three of us in her apartment.

Ha, ha, ha! That sounds terrible.

- And so do you two. - What?

I'm calling in the favor you owe me from your wedding.

- No. - No.

Not now. You can't. It's Thanksgiving.

Yes, now. You two told me

you'd give me anything if I would trash can Annie's date

to your wedding.

Huh. Trash can Annie.

I really wish you would stop calling my sister that.

You know, she hasn't gotten drunk

and fallen in a trash can in eight months.

Okay, then that's that.

So we are going to Sheila's.

A deal is a deal.

But if we do this, you've finally gotta tell us

how you stopped trash can Annie from getting drunk

and ruining our wedding.

I let her get a little handsy with me,

you know.

I'm not proud of it.

I'm a little proud of it.

Oh!

Whoo! It's much colder out here than I thought it would be.

You know, I've been keeping my hands down in my pants,

but everybody keeps staring.

You know, can I--can I warm 'em up on your stove, man?

Sorry. Every man for himself.

That's just the way it is

out here on the line.

Hey, hup!

Okay, well, uh,

can we at least all huddle like penguins for warmth?

Will somebody at least lay on top of me?

I promise I'll be cool.

Gary?

Whoa. Oh, my God. It's morning.

I made it.

I made it!

- Here, we brought you a-- - Ooh!

Oh, yeah. Ooh.

- Wow. - Mm.

Looks like a walrus eating a seal.

Marny was right. This was a bad idea, man.

I don't think I'm gonna make it.

Gary, it's only been one night.

I don't care. It's cold!

I don't like these people. They're mean to me.

They didn't even want to cuddle with me,

'cause they're a bunch of jerks!

Boys: Dad! - Hey!

What's up, boys?

Good. Dad, how are you doing?

Great. A couple of homeless guys came over

at 4:00 in the morning

and taught us kung fu for an hour.

- Come on, Gary. - What?

Stop pretending.

I know you're miserable.

Let's just go home.

We'll make you some hot chocolate,

some soup.

I'll run you a nice bath.

Can I eat my soup in the bath?

Whatever you want.

Dad, don't do it!

The Pilgrims died so you could get a big-ass TV!

You're right, boys.

I'm not going anywhere. I can do it.

All right, Gary. Suit yourself.

But it's gonna be record-low temperatures tonight.

Bring it on. Bring it on!

I'm tough! I'm strong!

What am I gonna do?

I'm gonna die out here.

I'm gonna die.

I'm so jealous you get to die.

I have to go to Sheila's.

What's going on? Is Ernie okay?

He's fine. Why?

Because you called me at 11:00 at night

and told me to get up here right now.

I'm just trying to figure out a theme

for tomorrow's Thanksgiving feast.

I'm toying with period garb.

We will each represent a native American tribe.

I call Penobscot. Yes.

No, Sheila, my friends aren't like your friends.

- You don't have to impress them. - Oh, Chris.

You don't come back from a bad dinner party.

You remember my friend Dana Baumgartner.

- Yeah. - Her souffle didn't rise.

She was an outcast. She had to move...

To New Jersey.

Sheila, stop making yourself crazy

before you freak out, okay?

Just keep it simple.

Yes. Simple.

Simple like a play. Oh! Help me write a play!

- No cuts. - No cuts.

- No cuts. - No cuts.

- No cuts. - No cuts.

No cuts. Oh, hey, baby.

All right, Gary.

Enough is enough.

Today is Thanksgiving,

and you need to be with your family,

having a terrible time at Sheila's.

So just pack--

are you wearing your socks on your hands?

I am.

Plus I switched spots so I could sit