Ugly Americans

Every once in a blue moon,

something extraordinary happens...

Easy.

You don't have to do this.

Something that really gets your blood pumping.

Drop that arm.

But, I wanted to go to the show.

It's amazing how anyone can actually stay sane

once they've gone through the system.

- Are you alive or dead? - Alive.

- Good or evil? - Good.

Evil. Do you walk on two or four legs?

Sometimes two, sometimes four when I'm running,

sometimes five, if you get my meaning.

Two.

Sir, I'm gonna need you to retract your claws.

The whole process is so dehumanizing.

Granted, many of the cases aren't human, but still,

What's wrong with treating them with a little compassion?

Here, boy. Who's your master?

Huh, somebody ate chili for dinner.

Something smells amazing.

Must be my famous eggs.

The secret ingredient is pepper.

Did you know, as a sign of respect,

You're supposed to let a werewolf sniff your hand

Before starting a conversation?

That's the smell.

Dude, you are so tender.

Are you having a full moon flesh craving again?

No! Of course not.

Are you sure?

'cause you're salivating, like, a lot.

I'm just hungry for some flesh toast.

Made from a mixture of tofu, whole grains,

and rat ovaries with real fleshy taste added.

Mmm-mmm. Flesh toast.

Be careful out there.

Don't bruise yourself, flesokay?St.

Okay.

Are you licking my ear?

Don't ruin the moment.

Can you believe this guy?

All for a ticket to the christ angel show.

Oh, right, 'cause christ angel's such a genius.

Hey, what are you doing?

It's a sign of respect, right?

Yeah, in 1801.

I can't believe I'm still dealing

With this level of ignorance.

Sorry.

By the way, your hand smells like flesh toast.

The state versus matthew thornton, werewolf.

Your honor, there are 68 witnesses to this crime.

The defendant was arrested with the victim's arm in his mouth.

Dna evidence was everywhere.

And the law could not be more on my side.

Giant baby?

Oh, who could say no to that spaghetti face?

Case dismissed.

Really, your honor?

This is the seventh case he's won with spaghetti.

You call this justice?

I order the werewolf

back into the custody of Leonard powers

to undergo obedience training.

Is Mr. Powers present?

Leonard's, caught in traffic, your honor,

so I will be handling the werewolf.

I don't care.

And time.

I'm sorry.

I've got too much anger for this trust exercise.

Okay, good, great, way to express yourself, Phil.

Would it be too much to ask

For you to give me back my wedding ring?

Um, sorry. I haven't passed it yet.

How convenient.

Matthew, is there anything you'd like to say

To help Phil deal with some of that anger?

Could I interest you in a belly rub?

This is unbelievable.

This is an important lesson for everyone.

Without a basic level of trust,

The whole city will fall apart.

That's nice in theory,

But you can't trust everybody.

Oh, God! It's happening again.

Let's give Phil some space for a minute,

Watch some slides.

Leonard, some visual aids, please.

Keep your pants on, honey.

In the early days of New York,

the native New Yorkers

were led by the vampire William Dyer.

My skin's on fire.

But irish immigrants were flooding into the city.

Oh, God!

And quite frankly,

A lot of tension between those groups.

This will bring me nightmare.

Tone it down, okay?

Sure. Take christ angel's side.

Whoa. Jesus christ.

Make it stop.

Make it stop!

Oh, sorry about that, everyone.

We'll pick it up from here next time.

Nice powerpoint, sugar tits.

Excalibur. Excalibur.

Excalibur.

Little out of sync in there today.

Have I ever told you how much I like this magic pen set?

Yes, many times.

I'm a little more interested in this angry obsession

You have with christ angel.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Magic.

I would think this guy would be a hero to all wizards.

I mean, he's amazing.

So cool.

Oh, my God, Leonard!

Is this you?

Yes.

You're friends with christ angel?

We're not friends.

He's my brother.

- We have the same mother... - Right.

- And father. - I get it.

Like the Jonases, only there are two of us.

- I'm gonna take off. - Now I turn on the television.

I got to see this dude who's my brother.

Hey, buddy.

Want to jam with me on rock band?

Brains...

Brains, they are delicious.

Are we jamming?

Do I look cool right now?

Mm-hmm. You're the coolest, buddy.

Hello, Ray? Yeah, it's me.

Man, I'm having a really bad craving.

Well, I roofied my roommate's chocolate milk.

Chocolate milk.

Yeah, I know, a grown man.

I'm really fixated on the occipital lobe right now.

How would I do it?

Well, I hadn't really thought about it.

But I guess I'd start with an incision

At the base of the spine, bypassing the arteries.

Then I'd drain the spinal fluid

To make, like, you know, kind of a base.

Are you masturbating to this?

Dude, you are the worst sponsor.

How long have you been watching me sleep?

The whole night.

Okay, clearly, you want to eat me,

And that's natural.

You're a zombie.

Save your hippie mind games for someone else, dude.

Okay, all right.

But I'm here when you want to talk.

Mark, I hope I didn't give off

the impression that I have some sort of problem

With my brother's success.

Listen, I'm fine with him living out

All my hopes and dreams.

Would I have given him my classic dove card trick

If I was bitter?

For this next illusion, I need a volunteer.

Oh, me! Pick me!

Wow, look at you.

I guess I'm not the only angel in here tonight.

I need you to think of a card.

Okay.

Now, really concentrate on the card.

That's totally my card.

But where's christ?

What's happening to me?

Help!

I'm going into labor.

What you've just seen is magic.

Yeah!

That's your trick?

He won a wizzie for it in 1732.

He must have been so grateful.

Oh, yeah!

I mean, he didn't mention me in his speech

Or return my calls for three centuries,

But a brother knows.

I take back everything I said about magicians.

Old lady, your brother is amazing.

Well, we've had a lot of fun tonight,

But I'd like to slow things down for a minute

And introduce my brother.

Leonard, get your ass out here.

Hey.

Can you believe he's the younger brother?

So old.

Wrinkle face.

Lenny, it's always good to see you,