The Switch

Look at us.

Running around,

always rushed, always late.

I guess that's why they call it the human race.

What we crave most in this world is connection.

And for some people, it happens at first sight.

It's when you know, you know.

It's fate working its magic.

And that's great for them.

They get to live in a pop song.

Ride the express train.

But that's not the way it really works.

For the rest of us, it's a bit less romantic.

It's complicated and it's messy.

It's about horrible timing and fumbled opportunities

and not being able to say what you need to say

when you need to say it.

At least, that's the way it was for me.

Taxi. Taxi driver. Taxi, taxi, taxi, taxi.

Fat, pedaling, hooker-looking bitch. Fat, pedaling, hooker-looking bitch.

Fat, pedaling... Fat, pedaling, hooker-looking bitch.

Pig-faced... Pig-faced, gimpy, limping mama.

Pig-faced, gimpy, limping mama.

Pig-faced, gimpy, limping mama. Pig-faced, gimpy, limping mama.

I got a pig-faced... Pig-faced, gimpy, limping mama.

I've got a pig-faced, gimpy, limping mama limping on by.

Pig-faced... I've got a pig-faced...

Man-boy. Little man-boy. Beady-eyed little man-boy.

Beady-eyed little... Beady-eyed little man-boy.

I see a beady-eyed little man-boy.

Beady-eyed... Beady-eyed little man-boy.

I see a beady-eyed... Beady-eyed little man-boy looking at me.

I got a beady-eyed little man-boy. Beady-eyed little man-boy.

Beady-eyed little man-boy looking at me.

I'm sorry about that. You did say that was true.

Sorry.

You are not a beady-eyed little man-child.

"Boy," he distinctly said, okay? And that's worse.

And I am, I'm like a... I'm a beady-eyed-looking little man-boy

that shouldn't be wearing sweater vests.

He was mentally ill, standing on a street corner.

Kassie, exactly. He had no reason to be polite, okay?

It was like a Tourette's-style truth-serum affliction this guy had,

and I was caught in the cross hairs.

- I can't believe this stuff bothers you. - It does.

Now, I have some big news. I wanna show you something.

First I wanna show you something. Check this out.

- Look at that. - What? What is that?

I seem to have a growth.

Oh, my God, is that your scrotum?

- It's not a sunset. - Ugh. You're exhausting.

My health exhausts you?

- Fine, we'll deal with my death later. - My turn.

- See this? - Yeah.

That's the dollar in yen. I bought in a week ago.

- Good for you. Now look at it like this. - Yeah, sideways.

If someone you knew owned this stock what advice would you give them?

I don't know, Kassie. I gotta look at fundamentals, you know, P/E ratios.

- Simple, simple. Hold or sell? - You gotta sell that, it's going down.

Exactly.

This, Wally, this is what a woman's fertility looks like after a certain age.

So?

So I would like you to be the first to know.

I'm having a baby.

- You're pregnant? - No, not yet. But I'm working on it.

Went to the doctor, she said all my levels were really great, considering.

And, uh, she said that my cervical mucus is gorgeous, by the way.

- Thanks for that. - And, uh...

Then she started giving me this lecture about my age,

and I was really starting to hear her about timing and why wait?

And, you know, I started...

Would you please stop having sex with food?

Sorry, you know I don't know when I do it.

And then I thought to myself, "I can do this."

I've got a, you know, killer new job at the network,

and I don't need a man to have a baby.

Technically speaking, you do. Where's all this coming from?

Is this about Paul?

Why don't you chalk it up as another of your disastrous flameouts and move on?

This has absolutely nothing to do with Paul.

- I think it does. - And thank you for bringing it up.

All I'm saying is don't kick that can down the road.

You need to look at your relationships instead of biting off the next step.

- Deal with the one before. - You know what?

I'm just tired of thinking about how this is supposed to go, all right?

I'm just ready to do it now.

- Really? - Life is in session.

- Is that from an infomercial? - No.

- Really? - Yes.

- Did you buy the DVD? - One.

But it really was something that resonated with me.

Wally, I don't... You know what? I'm gonna do this.

I want to have a kid, and I am in the market for some...

semen.

And...

And?

I need you to help me find some.

So, what, are you gonna, like, use a service?

You gonna read résumés? You know, all that stuff is crap.

I heard about this woman in Queens,

she thought she was buying the sperm of an Ivy League athlete,

turned out it came from a homeless guy.

Oh, you did not hear that.

Kid turned out homeless. She tried to sue and she lost.

You just made all of that up.

- Did I? - Why are you even on this train?

Because we're not nearly done talking about this.

Wally, you're a vortex.

I have four interviews this week, one of which I'm prepared for, okay?

Listen. Now, what's wrong with my sperm, by the way?

- With your sperm? - It works.

Nothing.

- I'm sure you have killer sperm. - You're damn right.

But, you know, we're best friends. Isn't that weird? That'd be weird.

- It is weird, you're right. - That's weird.

- You know what else? How do I put this? - Careful.

- You're a little neurotic, you know? - I see.

- Little self-absorbed and pessimistic. - I got it.

And I'm not pessimistic, sorry, I'm a realist.

- Big difference. - Wally, this is not about you.

And whether you can deal with this or not...

Excuse me. WALLY: Please don't say it.

Life's in session.

She wouldn't know good sperm if it slapped her in the face. Ugh.

What does she take you for, a eunuch?

- You're jealous. It's perfectly normal. - No, I'm not.

This is big time primal stuff you're dealing with, jungle stuff,

and you have every right to be upset.

She put you in the friend zone six years ago, brother.

That's a cold and inhospitable place

where your manhood is an endangered species.

And now we're talking about your seed getting devalued by her.

Hey, so that we're clear, she did not put me in the friend zone.

We put each other in the friend zone. It was mutual.

Let's be honest with ourselves.

You had your window with Kassie,

and you went all Wally on her and you doomed it.

I went what? Hey, what is that even supposed to mean?

You shared too much too soon. Quickest way to kill a romance.

You gotta hide the crazy at least through the appetizers.

I see. So just so that I'm clear,

which one of your three failed marriages taught you that lesson?

All three, in their special and various ways.

Exactly, so, okay, I appreciate the kind advice, but I'm fine.

- Are you? Are you? - Yeah.

Because I still don't know why the hell you e-mailed me a picture of your armpit.

I told you that I thought I had a growth. And was it an armpit?

Oh, golly, I hope so.

She's really ambitious, huh? I didn't think she was interested.

Please tell me you didn't invite Wally.

- Of course I did. - Is he bringing that Internet girl?

No, she broke up with him. DEBBIE: Shocker.

Do you know I've had orgasms that last longer than his relationships?

Would you stop? Sorry.

Okay, here are your talking points, minister.

Listen, I know that Wally can be a bit blunt,

but at least he tells it like it is, you know what I mean?

It's like when things get too intimate, he gets... He walls up.

But nobody... There's nobody I trust more. I mean, he always has my back.

Yeah, I get it, Kass.

He's your BFF, he's a really good guy. Totally undatable.

Nobody is totally undatable. Come on.

I mean, there's gotta be somebody out there for him.

Done.

Places. - I hope this party doesn't suck.

Yup. WALLY: All right.

- You should have gotten Debbie a gift. - Oh, come on.

It's her 30th birthday. She's really vulnerable.

Pretending it's actually her 30th is gonna be my gift to that old bag.

Hey, so here's where I'm at.

So I want a donor that I can meet, you know?

I want someone whose eyes I can look into.

I wanna be able to, you know, shake his hand.

And you can't do that at a sperm bank, right?

I also want it fresh, you know? I don't really... I don't think I want it frozen.

- Who wants frozen? - Frozen's so refreshing, though.

What kind of qualities would you be shopping for?

Uh, sense of humor is most important.

Why do women always say that sense of humor is always the most important thing?

We all know that that's a lie.

- Okay, so then height. - No.

But, you know, funny height. Funny height.

Come on, Wally Mars, aren't you gonna dance with me?

No, I'm not, birthday girl.

- I'm not really feeling it tonight, you know? - You are such a buzzkill.

I don't wanna break your flow.

You were doing a great job of killing it over there.

You dressed up for my party. That's so nice.

- You're welcome. - Stripes.

Okay, who's dancing with me?

Just perfect. Ha, ha.

Sounds good. It's a funny horror film?

Well, it's a horror film meets, uh...

Well, they haven't really made an honest kickboxing film yet.

That's so true.

I hadn't thought about that, but you're absolutely right.

- That's... - Hi. I'm bored. Let's get a kebab.

Wally, this is Declan. He's a, uh, writer-slash-director.

- Hey, double threat. - Hey, Wally.

This is one of my oldest friends. - That's right.