Fresh Off the Boat

Now, you always have the option to save your allowance for...

- Thanks, Dad. - Thanks, Dad.

What's in there?

Oh, just some items I'm returning.

Watch your mommy turn your father's 3-year-old socks

into cold, hard cash.

There's no way they're gonna take those back.

One has button eyes from when Emery turned it into a puppet.

Mom's the queen of returns. Watch the master at work.

He's saying, "You need a receipt."

And Mommy's going, "Are you saying I didn't buy them here?

Are you calling me a liar?"

And he goes, "No.

I guess I can give you store credit."

Then she's all, "Store credit?

Mommy don't play that. Mommy plays for cash."

Oh.

Victory!

And that's not even the best part.

Whoa. You had a receipt the whole time?

Why didn't you use it?

I like to challenge myself.

Binder it, baby.

Oh, look!

That page is from when we did three returns in one day.

Remember, Louis?

That was when you gained all that water weight.

Oh.

That was muscle.

S03E21 Pie vs. Cake

Private-school kids.

What are they doing here? They're gonna get jumped.

They go to school here. That's our debate team.

Debate team?

It's kind of like a sports team, but instead of balls...

they throw formal arguments at each other.

Oh. Is there any physical contact?

Nope.

It's mostly reading and research.

Oh!

I mean, it's really just a ton of extra homework.

Ooh!

Well, if you're into it,

they're having tryouts later this week.

How did I not see that poster before?

We see what we want to see.

Huh.

Oh, Peggy...

_

_

Don't worry, son.

You'll score a basket on me someday.

Did you have to yell "Not in my house"

every time you blocked a shot?

Well, if you keep bringing me weak sauce,

I'm gonna keep rejecting it.

What's this noise?

I'm entering a contest.

You create your own comic,

and if the publisher likes it, they'll print it,

and they'll give it away for free

a comic-book stores nationwide.

I heard "give it away," "free,"

and then I stopped listening.

Well, I think it's awesome.

I'm gonna go get my colored pencils.

Enjoy working for free.

_

_

_

The substitute PE teacher?

We're not currently on speaking terms.

_

_

Is he?

He is.

Garfield's wearing a Rolex.

Mm-hmm.

Oh.

Your piano-man scarf.

You found it.

Yeah, it was in

the hurricane emergency kit

in the garage for some reason.

Here you go.

Oh, good!

I get a chance to use my new mail-sorting system.

Mommy, I'd like to try out

for the school debate team.

Absolutely not.

It'll take time away from your schoolwork,

they'll charge us for additional supplies,

and I'm not driving all over town

to take you to debate tournaments.

Or...

it'll look good on your transcript,

it's bonus studying,

and it'll be a chance to practice public-speaking skills

for when you become doctor-president.

- Mommy... did you... - Yes.

I debated myself.

Who do you think won?

- Uh... - You did.

Because you're joining the debate team.

You tricked me, and I love it.

Hey, can you hand me that pencil?

Man, we work together really well.

Building on that,

I was thinking about your comic-book contest.

Why don't we team up, do it together?

You know I'd love a sibling team-up.

It'd be like my favorite TV show,

"Sister, Sister,"

except brothers.

But wait.

I thought you said comic books were a waste of time.

That was hours ago.

I've changed so much since then.

Come on. You draw it, I'll write it.

Together, we could create something amazing

and possibly make millions.

Hmm.

In conclusion,

nobody says "a candy bar a day keeps the doctor away."

Therefore, we need apples in the school vending machines.

Thank you.

Much better.

Nice opening joke, good posture,

and I like how you took away the possibility

of any poison-apple arguments.

Right.

Because Snow White lived...

And I quote... "happily ever after."

You're ready for tryouts.

One more tip...

When debating a real person,

use their own words against them.

It traps them in a prison of their own design.

"Own design."

Thanks, Mommy.

Mm-hmm.

Evan, what did you do to my Lowenwasser?

I needed a crest.

Oh.

Well, after a few of these, I'll forget you ever did it.

Mom, you said me and Emery

couldn't read our comic books at the table,

but Evan gets to read his debate book?

Evan is reading an actual book.

You were reading a finished coloring book.

Ah, so he gets a pass 'cause he's a nerd.

Got it.

In formal debate, slander is not permitted

and must be stricken from the record.

Luckily, this is not a formal debate,

and you are a butt face.

What do you all want for dessert?

Hector just made a pineapple right-side-up cake.

He's afraid to flip it.

We'll just take the usual...

One slice of key-lime pie and five spoons.

Although, pineapple cake does sound good.

No.

Pie is superior because it is filled with nutritious fruit.

It is the healthiest dessert.

In fact,

pie is so good, dessert couldn't contain it.

It burst out into chicken-pot, mincemeat.

It is the food of shepherds, mathematicians...

Pi... Infinite possibilities.

But cake is good...

We'll have that piece of...

And here are the reasons why.

Cake represents joy...

Birthdays, graduations, retirements.

No one's ever heard of a wedding pie.

Every important milestone in your life, cake was there.

Cake watched you grow up.

And sure,

some may say pie burst out,

but I say pie is confused.

It doesn't know what it wants to be.

Is it savory? Is it sweet?

Shepherd's pie has lamb in it.

Do they seem like good shepherds to you?

So, really, when you think about it,

pie is murder.

If you choose life, choose cake.

Let us eat cake!

So, then I said,

"When you think about it, pie is murder.

If you choose life, choose cake."

I did get political.

Thank you, Zack.

Anyway, the place went crazy.

I learned from the best. Now I'm the best.

Let's take a drive.

What do you think?

This is Nice Man.

He uses the power of overwhelming positivity