Shrinking

Fuck.

What the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck, what the f...

Please don't say the thing that you always say when I drink too much.

Was it worth it?

- Fuckhole. -

- Oh, boy. Oh, boy! - Yeah.

- Oh, boy. Okay. - "Oh, boy" indeedy. We fucked.

- We're terrible people. - Oh, man, we are some dirty slut pigs.

Um, so, uh, what are you thinking?

I'm thinking, "What would Tia think?"

Well, you know, she didn't like when I borrowed your gardener,

so she sure as fuck is not gonna like when I borrowed your dick.

You didn't exactly borrow it there, Gaby. I was handing it out

like someone gives away candy at Halloween.

You start handing out dicks on Halloween, you're gonna get arrested.

Hey, don't look at that. Where's my bra?

- Bra. Okay. -

It's gotta be around here somewhere. Bra. Bra, bra, bra. Where's the bra? Bra.

Found it! I found your bra! I found your bra. I found it.

- Oh, shit. Thank you. You know what? - I found your bra.

- I know what happened. -

I just needed to prove that my vagine worked.

Well, it works, Gaby. It's like a-a well-oiled machine.

Really?

Yeah, it's humid and hospitable, like... like Florida.

Hey, you can call my vagina any state,

but you do not fucking call it Florida, you hear me?

Fair enough.

Here's your dress! Let's put on your dress.

- Put on the dress. - And I will put on my tender robins.

- I love that. - And everything will be normal.

Which side is the fucking top of my robe?

- It's that part. - There we go.

- All right. - 'Cause this is normal.

- We can handle this. - Yep.

- Let's just be cool. We're adults. - We are.

Dad, you coming down?

Should I climb out the window?

Yes.

Hey.

Um, I'm totally chill that you tried to kiss me last night.

It's a bit creepy 'cause you're a lot older than me,

but I'm fine. It's fine.

- Look, Alice, uh, I didn't... - Dude, it's chill.

Can we please just never ever, ever, ever, ever talk about it again?

Okay. I'm down.

- - Hey. Okay.

Hey, Alice, you're in the kitchen. Alice is in the kitchen.

- Hey. - Gaby.

- Gaby's in the kitchen. - What the fuck? You slept in my house?

- I slept in the guest bedroom. - Oh, I love that room.

- So nice. - They're both being weird.

- Do you want coffee? - Yes.

- Please. Extra cream for me. - Please. Go ahead. I guess.

- Thank you. Yeah. - Yeah, absolutely.

I'll take one too please. Black.

- All right, I'm gonna head out. - Mmm.

I made some pancakes if y'all want some.

- Bye. - Oh, that's so sweet.

Fuck yeah, I want some pancakes.

Paul. Hey, good morning.

- Morning. - Hi.

Fucking Liz's evil gummies ambushed me.

Hey, my daughter's coming earlier than I thought. Can you drive me home?

- Sure. Yeah. Mm-hmm. - Okay, I'm gonna go.

- Okay. - I'll see you later.

- Aw, my little dew drop. - Mmm. Ooh, you smell like bad decisions.

Please. We all do.

Well, I'm gonna pretend that mine never happened. Okay, bye.

So, um, I should go. Thanks.

- Bye, Gab. - Bye.

So, how was the sex?

Fuck! You think anybody else knows?

I didn't know. I was just joking.

Goddamn it! This party was a disaster on so many fronts, Paul.

Yeah, it was. You got some messes to clean up.

But it's not my problem.

I wonder how long it'll be before Gaby realizes she left me.

If your ride is driving off without you, yell!

Paul knows that we, uh, did sex.

Fantastic.

Man, I wanted to tell her.

["Frightening Fishes" by Benjamin Gibbard playing]

So, anyway, I just... I wanna apologize for messing up your big night.

What are you talking about?

Charlie said yes,

and I now have the greatest proposal story of all time.

There were tears, there was vomit, Bernadette Peters came.

You don't even have to get us a wedding present now.

Obviously, you still should. I'm very upset.

I will overspend.

Okay.

Uh, look, I gotta go continue this apology tour.

Okay. Enjoy.

I'll e-mail you a list of gift ideas that aren't on the registry.

I'll talk to you soon.

How about we just agree that I accept your apology,

and we forget everything that happened last night?

You sure you don't want some expensive gift like Brian?

You made a mistake. Everybody makes fucking mistakes.

It's not a big deal. Oh, my God.

Everybody just needs to forgive and forget and move the fuck on.

Right.

Sorry. I'm just dealing with a lot of my own shit right now.

Okay. Any way I can help?

Yeah. Sit down.

You're actually exactly the person I was hoping to talk to.

Okay.

Did you not get the sarcasm?

I didn't, no.

But, um, it was such a weird conversation, I thought maybe this was gonna happen.

But if there's anything you do wanna talk about...

Oh, that's our time.

What the fuck?

- Hey. - Hi, Dad.

- Hey, honey. Come in. - Hi.

- Here. Let me get this. - No, I got it. I got it.

What? Oh. Honey, don't do that.

- Don't examine me. I'm fine. - What? I'm not.

Okay.

- Come on, I'll get you settled. -

Hey, I'm going to get some coffee. Do you want some? I got whole milk.

Actually, I'm not drinking milk anymore.

- I'm trying being vegan. Don't judge. - Oh. That's a big ask.

- - Well, can I get you anything?

Something soy?

Dad, there's some stuff I wanna go over before we see your neurologist, okay?

Okay. But could I say something first?

Sure.

I've been thinking a lot about us, about our relationship,

- and... - Dad, we don't need to do that.

I'm just saying if there's anything we should talk about

that we haven't been talking about, don't be shy, 'cause I can take it.

Dad, the past is the past.

I have forgiven and forgotten, and I'm very happy to be here.

I'm happy you're here.

- Okay. - But I gotta get some coffee.

I got d... drunk and stoned last night.

- What, did you join a frat? - No, it was a gay engagement party.

Same same.

Honey, do we have a saw?

Oh, I hid it after you tried to fix the deck.

- Ouch. - Why aren't you at work?

- Took the day off. - You retire in a week.

What are they gonna do, fire me? I thought I'd build you a spice rack.

I don't need one. I keep my spices in the pantry.

Oh, I know. That's why my graham crackers taste like tarragon.

You know what? Actually, this is good.

I need to talk to you about something. Sit down.

- - Okay.

I need to know that when you retire,

you're gonna find ways to get out of the house

because I need my space.

Otherwise, and I say this with love, I will murder you.

But with love.

- So much love. - Right.

You know how everyone assumes you play golf, 'cause look at you?

- Yep. - Maybe learn how to play.

Look…

- I get that you're freaking out. - Yeah.

I mean, Christ, we've been married almost 30 years.

- Crazy. - And it took me a while, but I know you.

- You need your space. - Yeah.

And that's what makes us work.

- Yes. - Yeah.

But…

I have been grinding away at my job for so fucking long.

It's my turn to be home. I've earned it.

Now, if you don't want us on top of each other, that's fine.

You need to figure out something to go do.

'Kay?

Are you fucking serious right now?

Yes. But with love.

Oh, my God.

Tia, girl, we need to talk.

Howdy.

- Hey... Oh, hey. Hello. - Hi.

They should, uh, raise that thing up,

you know, so you don't have to, um, squat like that.

Oh, no. It's good for my core.

And for, uh, bouncing on that dangalang, you know what I'm saying?

- Jesus Christ, Gaby. - Relax, man.

- You gotta stop stressing, you know? - Yeah?

I talked to Tia, and she was pretty cool with it.

What does that mean? You talked to Tia?

I mean we had a little heart-to-heart, and I explained to her,

you know, I was pretty fucked up with the whole Nico thing,

and there was just a ton of alcohol,

and compound that with the fact that you're safe dick.

Safe dick? You and I will never have feelings for each other,

so you got what's called a safe dick.

I don't know about "safe."

I like to think of him as kind of a bad boy, you know?

Like Neil Diamond or something.

You think your penis is a bad boy like Neil Diamond?

I picked the wrong guy.

The point is… …is that Tia forgave me,

and you know, she said she understood that we're human.

And it's important for us to not regret stuff like this.

- I know I don't. - I do.