Black Dynamite

Bullhorn: This week...

1x04 - A Crisis for Christmas or The Dark Side of the Dark Side of the Moon

Bitch, get your hands off my sack. I got to deliver to Santa, and I'll be right back.

Special delivery Bullhorn is the name, and laying pipe across the

whole north pole is my game. Ain't no letters worse than the ones that come from orpheens.

Their stories break your heart and make you want to shoot that morphine.

"All I want for Christmas is some parents with no arms and no legs

so they can never shoot smack and run away. Lil' orphan Penny."

Bullhorn: But this year, not only have these orpheens lost their holiday

excite, they also lost their like for their sole legal guardian, Black Dynamite!

# Check them hos, but keep them jolly # fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la.

All right, who wants to help Black Dynamite spruce up this douglas fir?

I'm starting to get the feeling that me and that cricket are the

only ones with any Christmas spirit. What gives?

Honey Bee: It ain't Christmas, Black Dynamite. It's you.

Me? I've been giving these children the Christmas of their miserable, little lives.

Honey Bee: Do you mean like yesterday, when you took them to see Santa?

Ho, ho, ho. What do you want for Christmas?

# Dynamite! Dynamite!

Little motherless Penny ain't no ho-ho-ho, Santa Claus! She's a goddamn' orphan!

Now say it!

Least I apologized. - Honey Bee: I think you might be missing the point.

The point is I spent the rest of the day doing what they wanted to do.

Snowball fi-i-i-ght!

Black Dyna... mite, you...

ain't I gave him some ice for his little ruptured

spleen and broken pelvis. That was in the spirit of seasonal fun, which brings to

mind the amazing job of decorating we did! Now, little orphan Arnold, plug it in!

See right here ... this is what Christmas is all about!

- This is not what Christmas is all abo-o-ut! Hmm, you're

saying all the time, care, and effort I put into Christmas was really just a selfish ego trip

in which I tried to project some fantasy of a happy childhood I never had?

- Honey Bee: Mm-hmm. Damn. Self-awareness is a cold mother.

I know this ain't gonna be fair on y'all, but here goes.

Scram, I say! Scram! Split the scene, you turkeys! Get out of my Christmas!

Girl, don't worry. He gonna see us in a few minutes.

I'll see y'all in a few minutes. - Told you.

Bullhorn: Black Dynamite, I'm gonna give it to you straight

with no in a crock. You might cop hos by the flock, but sometimes you ain't the most

- likeable mothafucka on the block. - Cream Corn: Hey, man, you can't help it if you just

unlikeable, B.D. You got to blame that on mama and your daddy.

If I can't even get them to like me on Christmas, then what's the point

of feeding and sheltering and putting clothes on these little mothafuckin' in the first place?

Speaking of little mothafuckin' little orphan Arnold, if you could have anything in the world

for Christmas, what would it be?

Little orphan Arnold, I don't know what the fuck this is.

It's O.J. Simpson. Haven't you heard? He's going to the Moon on Christmas.

What you talking about, little orphan Arnold?

We love him more than anything in the world.

And if you was anything like O.J., we would love you, too.

Bullhorn: Man, O.J. will be the biggest, blackest monolith

in outer space since Stanley Kubrick made "2001" in 1968.

- He's that great. Bullhorn, now, don't tell me you all

- on O.J.'s rocket, too. - Bullhorn: Black Dynamite, I ain't bone-jacking the juice or

hagging at all, but this feeling in my balls tells me you got a heavy history

- with old orenthal. Well, Bullhorn, now that you dragged

the shit out of me that I didn't want dragged out, I might as well take it out all the way.

You see, me and O.J. Simpson grew up together in our childrenhood back when I was a children.

The truth is I had likability issues even back then.

10-year-old Black Dynamite, please spell "white" and use it in a sentence.

"White" ... h-o-n-k-y ... "white." "The man is a honky devil" ..."white."

No, I'm sorry. That is incorrect, Black Dynamite.

True, but incorrect. Orenthal James.

"White" ... w-h-i-t-e ... "white." "I would love to be an honorary

white" ... a "white."

When it came to O.J., on the other hand, everybody liked him ...

white people, caucasians, honkeys, crackers, snowflakes ... you name it.

Truth is if it wasn't for me, he could have never pranced his way

- to victory time and time again. - Ohh!

- Oh, there it is! Touchdown! - Where the white women at?!

But even though he wouldn't even exist if it wasn't for the man behind the man...

A.K.A. me ... Black Dynamite ... all anybody ever cared about was

O.J. Simpson ... A.K.A. him ... number 32, "the Juice."

- Wow! You know O.J.?! Correction ... O.J. Simpson knows Black Dynamite.

Can you get O.J. Simpson to bring us back some moon rocks for Christmas?

moon rocks? Now, what kind of dumbass ...

- Please, please, please, please, please! All right, all right.

Since you little orphans are getting all wet in the underoos

over O.J. Simpson going to the Moon, I will get O.J.

to bring you orphans back a Moon rock for christmas.

Now, who is the most likeable

- mothafucka' that ever lived?! - All: O.J.! O.J.! O.J.!

Now, O.J., there's no need to worry, but if you secure your helmet incorrectly, you may

- experience a major malfunction. - Damn!

O.J. Orenthal mothafuckin' Simpson. - Black Dynamite! What's happening, man?!

I always said you'd go to the Moon for the white man, but I never thought

- you'd go to the Moon for the white man. - Well, B.D., I've already

broken several NFL records, had a pretty

decent part in "roots," and my name is damn near Earth.

synonymous with a very lucrative and popular rent-a-car industry. I've pretty much conquered the Moon.

So I guess the Moon was just the next logical step for me.

- But I'm surprised to see you here, bro. Me too. But don't get the wrong idea.

I ain't here to congratulate you or no shit like that.

I'm here because these motherless and fatherless orphans want a damn Moon rock

for Christmas. Dumb I know, but since you was going that way, I think

you might be able to help me out.

Hey, I got an idea. Why don't you come with me, Black Dynamite?

What you talking about, O.J. Simpson?

You and me could be the first black men on the Moon ... together!

Hmm. Now, Black Dynamite don't normally go to the Moon because

of O.J. Simpson asking him to, but since this seems like a coincidence or opportunity

to accomplish the unrealistic goal of getting moon rocks for Christmas, and I'm

trying to be more likeable, Black Dynamite says: Okay, O.J.

In a surprising last-minute move, M.A.S.A. has announced that the very likeable and

universally appealing O.J. Simpson will be joined by the much more controversial and

far less likeable black revolutionary vigilante pimp antihero Black Dynamite.

- And, yes, folks, that is his government. - If you time the staging of

our rocket improperly, you may experience a major malfunction.

Aah! Uh!

Sweet! Sweet!

If you miss your re-entry

trajectory, your capsule may experience a major malfunction!

This is gonna be one little, biddy, small step for Black Dynamite,

and one giant leap for the rest of you turkeys.

And it looks like mission control is ready to begin counting down.

And we are a go for launch. T-minus 10... 9...8...7...

I don't know if you realize this, Black Dynamite, but being

O.J. Simpson is a lot of pressure, man. White folks expect so much from you.

You keep trying to outdo yourself, and you keep smiling

'cause, well, that's what a hero is supposed to do. But to be honest, man, I'm tired

of being a puppet for these white folks. The last few weeks working with

you made me realize something. I got to be true to myself, man. Thank you, Black Dynamite.

You know, O.J., I resented you for a long time, but now I'm seeing you

different. For the first time I'm actually starting to like you, O.J.

O.J.? What the...

Now who's going to the Moon for the white man? Good luck finding those rocks, sucker!

- Ignition! O.J. Simpson, you jive-ass motha...

Bullhorn: Now Black Dynamite is literally out of sight!

O.J. Simpson, if you think Black Dynamite can't put his

foot in your ass from the Moon, you better not think it again!

Now, what kind of spacely sprocket bull snot is this here?

Calm down, Black astronaut Dynamite. This is a simple

science mission from M.A.S.A. Everything will be just fine,

as long as there isn't a major malfunction.

What the hell is this? - Hey, man, your red light is on!

I said your red light is on, man!

Don't worry, Black astronaut Dynamite. M.A.S.A.'s designed a special

program to translate technical jargon to... you people... of... your kind.

Your rocket wiring is getting hotter than a and your heat shield ain't worth

- two damns, neither. What the hell do you mean,

stereotypical black-jargon light? And what are you saying?

Say, man, if I was you, I'd get the hell up out this rocket, man.

Goonie-goo-goo! Now, that's a fire!

Cream Corn: Is it normal for a rocket ship to be on fire like that?

I mean, I watch a lot of movies. That usually means that somebody about to die.

Look, Black astronaut Dynamite, M.A.S.A. appreciates your sacrifice.