Cougar Town

Could you not pick your feet?

Honey, they're, like, right next to my head. what? this is not the grossest thing

That's happening at this beach right now.

Those two are obviously having sex.

Oh! and that boy's parents don't think he needs to wear

A bathing suit even though he seems to be about 14. i hate europeans.

I can't believe i'm gonna be 41 on saturday.

i , that's in your 40s.

Hey, let's play a game. i'm gonna say a number,

And you stop me when you think it's an age that i can pass for.

Ready? yeah.

34. 35. 36.

36. 36?

All right. stupid game. i don't want to play.

Cheer up. for your birthday i'm taking you

To that new french restaurant.

Oh, yeah. and then after you put ol' big hat to bed,

You and i are going dancing at oasis.

Honey, just don't wear any red.

They have a tiny gang violence problem.

i can't believe you're forcing me

To make separate plans with each of you.

going swimming.

Frank, shanna, hi! long time no see.

Yeah.

Such a long time.

Anyway, see you around.

When bobby and i were married,

We were kind of friends with the millers.

They were so weird. do you think it was because of the divorce?

It could be. or it could be that when your swimsuit is wet,

It's so see-through, i can count the individual goose bumps

On your nerps.

Why do they even sell white bathing suits?

Are you sure they noticed?

Pretty sure.

I wouldn't wait for her results to come in.

Mnh-mnh. i'd get on antibiotics now.

I'll have you know that summer is a student.

Today is her third day of massage school.

wish i could take that back.

But you can't.

Mommy, if that lady slept over at mr. ellis' house,

Does that mean they're in love?

Oh, well, he loves parts of her, sweetie. ha ha.

Oh, good. shanna, hi.

I'm so sorry about yesterday.

I had a little headlight incident.

They know.

What d you think would happen with a white swimsuit?

In the catalog, the model was coming out of the water,

And it looked fine, but she was also wearing high heels

And was on a motorcycle, so... it's okay, jules.

Besides, it's typical. typical?

Ever since you got divorced, we've noticed the short skirts,

The 28-year-old boyfriend. 28 1/2, and we broke up.

His mom told me. she's in my church group.

Let's go, girls.

"let's go, girls"? what is this, some weird mom gang?

When did shanna get to be so mean?

That catty witch is just jealous

'cause you're a 41-year-old hottie who can pass for 38.

I believe we agreed on 36. oh.

I just don't want to be in this stupid town for my birthday.

everybody talks about everything.

I just want to go somewhere where no one knows who i am

And i could just let loose and not be judged.

How about that new beach resort on siesta key?

Yes! no.

Come on! we can all share a suite,

And then we can make plans to rent bikes and--and kayaks

And paddleboards and then never do any of it.

I wouldn't share a suite with trampolina here

If they gave away free lipo with a continental breakfast.

Ditto. i'd rather go bald.

It's my birthday, so suck it up.

Come on. how fun would a road trip be?

Fun. so much fun.

Oh, please try harder.

Fun! so much fun!

Thank you.

Okay, your dad convinced some tourist

That he's a hunting guide.

So not only can he not watch you this weekend,

But there's a pretty good chance

He's gonna end up dead in the woods. well, i am 18. don't need a babysitter.

Look, i was your age.

I know the kind of stuff i did when my parents went away. yeah, i know where this is going, okay?

Your cautionary tales always end up with you giving birth to me. it was the happiest day of my life.

Damn straight.

I can check in on the kid if you promise to stop hassling me

About the girls i bring home. yeah, i can't do it.

Mm. well, i guess i could probably stop for, like, three days.

Deal. i wonder how many i can cycle through the abode

In three days. i'm guessing, like, seven.

Lucky, lucky girls.

Psst.

Okay, so here's the plan.

Do not come over to my house.

If the house is on fire, you may knock once.

If i don't answer, assume i set the fire,

And i want to burn to death. you're a neat kid.

oh, when bobby and i went camping for one week,

All we brought was big spray, matches and a coffee cake.

You guys are going away for one night, right?

What's your point, v-neck?

I took all our pillows. great.

All right, ready, ladies? yep.

Road trip. whoo!

Enjoy your stay at playa del roca.

Thank you, trent from tallahassee.

You know, we're here celebrating my 34th birthday.

Do you find that to be a believable statement?

Could have been a $20, trent.

Someone's going to believe i'm 34 if it kills me.

I thought we agreed on 36. mm. at home i'd be happy with a 36,

Maybe even a solid 38.

But that's regular jules.

Here, i'm resort jules.

And resort jules is fun, and she's crazy,

And she refers to herself in the third person

Like a professional athlete.

Yeah. ooh! i call the bedto herself by the window! third person

How are you already naked?

What? i was changing, and i got sidetracked by bed choice.

Well, of course it's your bed

Now that you have your tramp stink all over it.

Jules, did you hear her? bitch, i am a lady.

You know what i want for my birthday?

For us all to get along.

This weekend we're gonna be like thelma and louise and louise.

You know, they die at the end of that movie. you watch. you're gonna end up being friends.

Playa del roca is a magical place.

Ew! there's a dead lizard in the toilet!

bye, ellie!

i named him.

I hate her.

Oh, man, isn't this fun?

I'm eating bacon in a bikini.

Hey, take a picture of me eating bacon in a bikini.

Arch your back and stick out your chest. and say... (singsong voice) "classy!"

Regular jules would never do this, but resort jules says

Say hello to tanya and her slightly smaller twin tina.

did you just give him the "hit that" nod?

I did. jules said no girls in the house.

She won't find out. jules always finds out.

You know, i babysat travis once when he was 12,

And i may or may not have let him watch "9 1/2 weeks."

Somehow jules found out.

And then all of a sudden,

Her brownies started having pecans in them,

Which is kind of weird 'cause i'm allergic to pecans,

And jules knows that.

It was like, i don't know, she was trying to kill me.

But that's just silly, right?

I'm--i'm paranoid. whoo! weirdo, right?

That's just silly.

This is why we don't hang out more.

Okay, tough guy.

Magazine sex quiz.

"is it okay to have sex in a limo before your prom?"

Oh, that's a big no. i get nauseous riding sideways.

Ooh! (singsong voice) you guys, check out the hotties.

should we invite 'em over? no! that's the reason i got a cabana--

To avoid men with barbed wire tattoos.

Those are my people.

Of course they are.

She doesn't realize this is the real fun--

You know, sittin' here all by ourselves

Doin' nothing.

You want to invite them over, don't you?

No.

But resort jules does.

she has bad judgment. fine.

Isn't this fun?

No fire here. see ya.

Your mom said no girls.

I'm sorry, young lady, you've gotta go.

It--it's okay. i'll just get my stuff.

Do you know what her stuff is?

It's flavored lip gloss and an oversized t-shirt

For when she gets, and i quote, "tired and snuggly."

what are you doing to me, dude?

Resort jules brought all the things

That she's afraid to wear at home.

So... farmer's daughter or... where is it?

Ah. whitesnake video?

well, i get to pick what we do next,

And trust me, it's not gonna matter what you wear. why?

Oh, no.

Mmm!

There is nothing better than drinking champagne

Topless in a hot tub. am i right?

Too soon to tell. come on, jules. have a drink. you'll loosen up.

Ellie, pour some champagne into my mouth.

There you go, sweetie. mmm. mmm.

Come on, grandma, lose the top.

You're making jules self-conscious. yeah, lose the top.

Pipe down, man boobs.

Laurie, honey, it's not ellie