The Ricky Gervais Show

For the past few years Ricky Gervais,

Stephen Merchant, and Karl Pilkington

have been meeting regularly

for a series of pointless conversations.

This is one of them.

- Testing. - Is that all right?

Hello and welcome to "the Ricky Gervais show"

with me, Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant...

- Hello. - ... And the little round-headed buffoon

that is Karl Pilkington.

Hi.

we do of course, Rick, every week get thousands of emails.

Emily from New York has asked

Karl, if you're on a sinking ship

or you were in a burning building

and you re with myself and Ricky,

but you could only save one of us...

I don't know why that's the case,

but you can only save one of us... who would you save?

Would it be Ricky or would it be me?

- I think it's a two-man dinghy. - Right, okay.

- Possibly. - And we're trapped and he knows that if he stays there

to get both our legs out from under this thing...

- The girder. - Yeah.... he dies.

So he's got... so he's got room... He's got time to save one.

It's obviously me.

It's hard to say, isn't it, at this point?

What, 'cause Steve's in the room, you mean?

Just because we don't know what the situation is.

Okay. Well, let's say we're on a sinking ship, all right?

So you're gonna have to rescue one of us... drag us into the...

It's... it's going under. You know...

You know in 30 seconds, okay,

this ship's going to drag you down and you're gonna die, right?

And our legs are trapped. And you got enough time

to untangle one set of legs. Whose legs do you untangle?

Just because my legs are long

does not necessarily mean it's more complicated.

No, it's exactly the same amount of time. Just have to make a choice.

Terrible... A terrible choice

that Steve would, would not, you know hate you for.

Well, listen listen...

He's gonna drown in 30 seconds. Forget him.

Bear in mind this, Karl:

You are gonna be stuck in a dinghy with Ricky Gervais.

And who knows how long that's gonna take?

Think of all the head squeezing that's gonna be going on,

the comments, the... And do you honestly think that he's gonna...

If there was any provisions, that he's gonna split them evenly with you?

I mean, he's gonna have drunk all the water

and it's only gonna be about a half an hour in.

The food's gonna be gone.

Look at his gut. Look how much, you know, the food he's gonna have to eat...

- The baked beans that you've got on board. - Come on.

Whereas me, you know how generous I am.

- I'm always sort of helping... - Oh, there we go.

Karl, he's... I think he's put the nail in his own coff there.

"You know how generous I am, Karl."

Let's talk about that Karl. Come on. Think about that one.

Yeah, I mean, have you forgot about that, Steve?

What? What?

The time... the time when we went for a coffee?

We sort of had a heated debate about the 50 pence change.

Yeah, you owed me 50p. And you decided

you didn't want to give it to me 'cause it was only 50p.

And my point was it's not a question of 50p;

it's the fact that it's not your decision to decide not to give it to me.

If I wanted to be generous that's my decision,

but you can't go, "oh, it's only 50p, Steve."

It's my decision to...

But you've just given him a free keg of beer.

- Yeah. - No, but... yes, but that was...

That did not come to you. You didn't pay for the free keg of beer.

It was a promotional thing that was sent to you.

- Doesn't matter. - It's the same thing

as the way I gave Suzanne my leaving present from my last job.

A lot of people may not be aware of this

if they haven't heard of something like this before.

But, yes. You had a gift from your work

'cause you were leaving after how many years of service,

which you then gave straight to your girlfriend

without telling her that it'd been received from people at work.

Doesn't matter. She wanted the camera. It's the same thing as you...

You wanted that lager that I got for free. That doesn't cost you anything.

It doesn't matter where I got it from.

So you now decide because you've given me

a free keg of lager that you can now say, "oh actually, I'm not... "

You know, "in the future, I'll just take your money, Steve, on a whim"?

Listen, it's... You're rockin' the dinghy.

Karl, have some of my cheese.

Can you imagine if he... can you imagine he would ever say that?

Do you imagine him ever ever offering you any of his cheese?

Who you gonna save, Karl, mate?

- I don't want to say. - Well, think about it and...

I might do a sort of a for-and-against something

and then sort of, "so the conclusion is..."

Okay, all right.

Well, I've been waiting for this for a week.

It's a regular feature now

when we read from Karl's diary.

Karl decided to keep a diary.

He's gone through with it. I can see it there.

It's massive. It's a huge desk diary that he has to carry around with him.

And he... the pages are getting full up.

- You're... you're really keeping to this. - Yeah.

Right, this is extracts from Karl's diary.

"Did podcast and went for an Italian with Ricky and Steve."

Italian place is good. We've been there a few times.

I always have the same thing... Spaghetti.

Can't remember what everyone else had.

Last time we went there, Steve had little octopuses with pasta.

You could see that they were octopuses;

they hadn't been cut up or anything.

My rule is that I only eat stuff that looks nice when it's alive... "

"... a cow, a chicken, some fish.

An octopus is an odd-looking thing alive,

even worse when it's dead and limp.

It looks like it just shouldn't have been set in the spaghetti."

Yeah, I agree. I agree with that.

"Ricky drew another picture of my head."

We've given a few of them away as prizes,

but he draws so many of them that they won't be worth as much anymore.

Everyone will eventually have one,

like those pictures of the boy crying

that caused houses to burn down in the 1980s."

- What does that mean? - What you talking about?

It's just some kid. My aunt lenore had one.

And it was just, like, a kid with a blue jumper on

and his... it's like a painting, not a photo.

- Yeah. Exactly, yeah. - And he's just crying.

Like the chocolate box, a really awful sort of sugary...

And what happened is they found out

that a lot of the houses were being set on fire

or burst into flames, whatever. And the weird thing was...

- Oh, it's bullocks. -... every house that burnt down had that photo.

Yeah, 'cause every house had that picture

in the fucking '70s and '80s, idiot.

It's like, "we're linking it to sinks.

Every house that's ever burned down had a sink."

You're talking shit again. Carry on.

"Wednesday: Saw a homeless bloke."

I'm surprised that no companies have thought about sponsoring the homeless...

Something like a clothing company.

Give them some clothes that have an advert on the back.

Everyone's a winner."

- Good idea. - Not bad is it?

"Got on the tube to camden. Read in a free newspaper"

that hedgehogs could be gone by 2025.

I think I've seen more dead hedgehogs than alive ones anyway.

So I don't think I'll miss 'em.

Went round to Ricky's house and had a game of pool.

It should have been nice and relaxing, but Jane gave me some cake

and Ricky said I can't play pool if my hands are all sticky from cake."

It was the sugar... And it wasn't that, either.

After he finished it, they weren't just sticky;

he was licking his finger, sucking his fingers off,

and then was gonna pick up pool cues and touch things. And I was thinking,

"go and wash your hands after licking your hands. You're not a cat."

"This turned into an argument when I said I didn't want to wash my hands."

- Why didn't he? - "He goes for a piss all the time

without washing his hands and then squeezes my head.

"I know I prefer to have lemon cake crumbs on my head than knob juice."

"Was gonna do a crossword but I'm tired

and have learned enough today."

What have you learned?

Well, the stuff about hedgehogs and that.

Oh God.

"Was on my way to a mate's and I got on a train."

Got close to his station, but realized I needed a wee.

Was about to go in a cubicle when a blind man with a dog,

who was bumbling his way through the walkway, came around.

I said, 'are you after the toilet?' He said, 'yeah.'

i said, 'it's on your right.'

i shouldn't have let him go first as he took ages

and it would be my stop soon. The dog waited outside the cubicle.

I was gonna stroke it,

but then I remembered someone telling me that you shouldn't."

Why not?

Because something to do with

the owner should be the only one who... Who sort of deals with that dog.

- And you shouldn't sort of... - Well, you shouldn't stroke it

because you're covered in fucking lemon cake.

Well, just because, you know, if you...

If you stroke it and that, it... it might like,

like me and want to go off with me. And he'll come out and be lost and stuff.

Yeah.

People who have sent this in, including Paul "the party animal" Parker...

For some reason we've just assumed he's in school.

I don't think there's any actual proof of that. But I...

I reckon he left in June and he's doing sort of bits and pieces.

But he's still a party animal.

Do you think, I mean, do you think he can hold down a job?

- Or is he just partying so hard that he... - He can hold down the job.

He often arrives late.

And the boss who's in over him will go, "parker,

you're late again! " He goes, "yeah, talk to the hand."

I think that he's the sort of guy that he can...

That he'll just happily say, "I can survive on four hours sleep."

- Yeah. - "Sometimes... I've never slept at all."

But I think he comes in with his headphones blaring, right,