The Nanny

Oh...

Oh...

- Fran! - Niles!

Was it as good for you as it was for me?

Actually, Niles, I was faking it.

- Hi, Fran. - Oh, hi, sweetie.

Say, some of the kids are going to the Hamptons for the weekend.

Oh, great. Will there be boys there?

- Maybe a few. - Fun. Parents?

Ah, who cares? They'll just get in the way anyway.

Go, have a blast. We don't even have to tell your father.

- Really? - Oh, sure.

And when I'm fired, and you're in the convent,

we'll write each other letters and laugh about this.

But, Maxwell, how can you say no to working with Philipe?

- He's an avant garde genius. - Guilty as charged.

And I've put a new twist on the tragedy.

We follow Romeo and Juliet to heaven and have a happy ending.

You're rewriting one of the greatest love stories of all time?

We're adding a few scenes. But we're taking out others.

- Which ones? - The ones that don't work.

Well, I'm sorry Philipe, but we British have a thing about mutilating Shakespeare.

The Queen comes and hits you with her purse.

But I bet you have a big name to star.

I'm looking for an unknown, a fresh face with a unique voice.

It's in the medicine chest!

Between the corn pads and the Monistat Seven!

I've found my Juliet!

What?

Can you imagine anything more ridiculous than me doing Shakespeare?

Well, yes. People paying to see it.

Ha-ha. I'll have you know that in high school,

I played the Reverend Mother in the Sounds of Music.

I put a low scooped neck into my nun's habit,

and those hills were alive.

We did the Sound of Music. I played the Baroness.

It was an all boys school.

Thank God I didn't play the guitar. I would have been Maria.

- Fran, you can't be in the play. - Yeah, who would do our laundry?

Clean our room? Wait on us hand and foot.

Well, the same person that always does. Niles.

Besides, if I do it, it would only be for a couple of weeks.

Actually, I could rehearse while the kids are at school.

- I think not. - Why think you not?

- I could use a life outside of this house. - Me, too.

- Which is why you should let me go to the Hamptons. - Nice try.

Forget it. Look, Miss Fine, taking care of the children is a fulltime job.

Oh, and I suppose it was my idea to have three?

What you do in your spare time is entirely your own affair.

I'm simply trying to protect you from having an embarrassing theatrical experience.

We know what that's like, don't we, sir?

You know, if some people aren't a little more supportive,

I might omit them from my Oscar speech.

Tony, Miss Fine. You win a Tony, not an Oscar.

Actually for an off-Broadway performance, Miss Fine would win the Obie.

She's not going to win anything.

Well, thank you for that vote of confidence.

That's it. I'm playing Juliet, and nothing is going to stop me.

- And I'm going to the Hamptons... - Now sit down, Margaret.

Okay.

Okay, Niles, will you play Romeo?

Isn't he too old?

Well, actually, Juliet's supposed to be my age, so it's not like Fran's...

not perfect for the role.

I warn you, my acting prowess may blow you off the stage.

They're still talking about my baroness.

I can't stop thinking about it and I didn't even see it.

And I spent my summers in Stratford-Upon-Avon.

I spent my summers selling Avon.

Oh, she doth teach the torches to burn bright.

- It seems she hangs upon the cheek of night. - Niles...Niles...

- Yes? What? - Don't I come in here somewhere?

And on and on. Beauty to rich for youth but a...

All right, back off, Baroness. And by the way,

you're supposed to dust the scenery, not chew it.

Well, pity. Show me how it's done, Mistress Fine.

Well, I will if you'll just shuty upth.

All for a falconer's voice to lure this tasseled gentile back again.

It's gentle, not gentile.

How the hell should I know? Did I look down his tights?

I still can't understand why Philipe would hire Miss Fine to play Juliet?

Oh, please. Only an idiot would hire her to do anything...

in the theater.

Oh, oh, Mister Sheffield, um, if you've got a minute, I could use your help.

That's the understatement of the century.

Meanwhile, if we put an apple in his mouth, we can have a luau.

Let me see. Oh, I just love this play.

More torches here. Ah, Sara, by my fay, it waxes late.

See? That's exactly what I'm talking about.

Who the hell is Fay and why is she waxing during a party?

Good luck.

- Shall I play Romeo to your Juliet? - Four, three, two... What took you so long?

All right, so now we're star crossed lovers.

- Let's get some physical realism into this, shall we? - Oh, Mister Sheffield.

- No, no, I mean, I'm gonna put you on your balcony. - Okay.

- All right. Now Juliet is dreaming of her Romeo. - Right.

- And she says... - Why me?

Oh, speak again, bright angel.

Oh, Romeo, Romeo...

Yes, now maybe we could have a little more lilting. Just a bit more melodic.

Oh, sure, sure, sure. Melodic.

Oh, Romeo? Romeo?

Yeah, just a little too melodic, I think. Let me show you.

Oh, okay. Sure. He's gonna show us.

All right. Oh, Romeo, Romeo, where for art thou, Romeo?

Deny thy father and refuse thy name.

Wow. You British guys really know how to play women.

We, uh, we did this play in college.

Oh, you must have been the perfect Romeo.

No. I was Friar Lawrence, actually.

That's the problem going to school with Jeremy Irons. All right,

let's go on.

Okay. Romeo, doth thy name and...

take all of me.

I take thee at thy word. Call me but love and I'll be new baptized.

You know, if I were directing this, I'd go in a whole different direction.

Night, goodnight. Parting is such sweet sorrow.

Sleep dwell in thine eyes, peace in thy breast.

Oh, would I were sleep in peace so sweet to rest...

You know, because this lovey-dovey stuff has just been done to death.

You know...

Much better.

Yeah, I, I think I'm starting to get the hang of it now...

Of course I'm gonna need a lot of coaching.

Ah-ha! Ah-ha, ha!

I'm Dracula, I'm gonna suck out all your blood and bury you alive!

- You don't scare me. - All right, fine. I'm the C.C. monster,

and I'm gonna marry Dad and send you away to boarding school!

Children, children, children,

be quiet!

Jeez, Dad, you don't have to scream about it.

Look, I already sent you to bed five times.

- What are you doing still up? - Well I'm not tired.

Well maybe that has something to do with the pound of chocolate I told you not to eat.

You know, I think it was the gallon of cola you told me not to drink.

- And what's your excuse? - Well, he took me out.

Obviously, you got out.

Now go on, off to bed, both of you.

Just give me one good reason why I can't go to the Hamptons.

I won't let you.

Look, Margaret, you're much too young to go away for the weekend.

By the time Juliet was my age, she had already gotten married, had sex, and died.

Well now you see what happens when you don't listen to your father.

- Niles, I'm thinking of changing the childrens' bedtime. - Oh, to when, sir?

Right after school.

I can't believe Miss Fine isn't back yet.

I can't believe what's happened to my roast.

It's starting to bear a strange resemblance to Hume Cronan.

I mean, how much rehearsal can one person need?

Oh, right. But still.

Oh, hi, guys. For sooth, am I pooped.

- Dinner is coming right up. - Oh, Niles, I already ate.

You couldn't have called?

Never mind. Ruined anyway.

- Boy, is he moody. - Well, you are rather late.