Will Success Spoil Rock Hunter?

Oh, the fine print they put in an actor's contract these days!

Well, be that as it may, I'm Tony Randall

and I'm appearing in this motion picture

with a fascinating and beautiful performer,

a talented and gorgeous star with a fabulous figure.

I beg your pardon.

There, I think you'll agree

that her figure is somewhat more interesting than mine.

That is, if you're interested in that sort of thing.

Well, we also have several other fine performers aboard,

all of whom are appearing in this delightful motion picture entitled...

Erm... the title of this delightful motion picture is...

"The Girl Can't Help It". No, we made that. Hm.

Well, anyway,

this picture is about advertising agencies and television commercials

and it is called...

Gertrude, Crestview 5-412.

Oh. No, well, anyway...

Anyway, the picture takes place in New York City, New York,

and the name of it is...

"Will Success Spoil Rock Hunter?"

Our slip-easy, pop-up, finger-touch ice trays.

No matter how many lushes you know,

with the slip-easy, pop-up, finger-touch ice trays,

you have enough ice cubes for all.

Shelton's Beer is brewed crystal clear

from the streams deep in the forest swamps.

You'll be way ahead with Shelton's Beer.

There is no head on Shelton's Beer. No foam, just beer.

Pour yourself a full glass of that heavenly brewed,

clear swamp water, Shelton's Beer.

Do you want to say goodbye to dull, drab hair?

Then use Très Chic.

After drying, just run your comb...

...gently through your hair.

You'll see the magic, the miracle of Très Chic.

You'll see what Très Chic can do to your hair.

You have just seen the Handy Dandy Dandy electric shaver

gently shave the fungus off an overripe peach.

Now watch the job it does for my stubble.

Nothing but nothing stops the Handy Dandy Dandy.

It will leave you clean-shaven in a jiffy.

Now use the Handy Dandy Dandy.

Each little Crunchy contains energy,

contains pep for your growing youngsters, builds strong legs,

so when they're older,

they can stand the long waits in the unemployment lines.

Listen to the energy.

It snaps, it crunches.

Remember, that's Crunchy Crispies.

Oh, hello. I'm Jolly Jess.

Ah, by the way, do you like nuts?

Well, if you do, don't say nuts, say Frank's Vacuum-Packed Peanut Butter.

Ha-ha! It's great. Uh-huh.

The... the peanuts in Frank's Vacuum-Packed...

Wow contains fallout, the exclusive patented ingredient.

Wow is gentle to your hands.

It may be a little rough on your fingernails,

but with a clean kitchen you won't have to scratch yourself.

Wow! Wow is the wowest!

Rambunctious Rupert is open day and night.

Rambunctious Rupert has the bargains.

Take the car away and drive it off the lot.

No money down, no collateral.

Just leave your wife with Rambunctious Rupert.

If you're like me, with six dirty children and a big, filthy husband,

then you can imagine how important an Easy Clean washing machine can be.

It not only Easy Cleans those dirty, filthy clothes,

but it's so gentle on each garment,

so gentle that it makes wash day...

a day to remember.

You won't forget wash day,

if you use the Easy Clean washing machine.

'This is me again, Rockwell P Hunter,

'and that's Madison Avenue away down there.

'That's my street, my street of Grey flannel dreams.

'I'm employed on Madison Avenue in an advertising agency,

'way up here in the offices of LaSalle Jr, Raskin, Pooley & Crocket,

'or, as we say, LSJ, RP & C.

'I'm a writer, an author of TV commercials.

'This is my office,

'and that's a photograph of my niece, April Hunter.

'April is a teenager, and she lives with me.

'That's my secretary Jenny Wells.

'Jenny is not a teenager and doesn't live with me.

'But she will, when I can afford it.

'Jenny and I fell in love one night last year,

'that wonderful night we were supposed to be working overtime.

'That's my immediate superior Henry Rufus,

'a vice president of LSJ, RP & C,

'and the account executive of Stay-Put Lipstick, our most important client.

'Rufe is a big success. He has a key to the executive washroom.

'But the largest success of all is Junior, Mr LaSalle Junior.

'He's the President of LaSalle Jr, Raskin, Pooley & Crocket.

'He has his own private washroom.

'He's been written up in "Fortune", profiled in "The New Yorker",

'had his picture on the cover of "Time",

'and he is a personal friend of Elsa Maxwell.'

Good morning, Mr LaSalle.

Yes, Mr Rufus, I called. He's on his way.

Hi, Gladys. Mr Rufus wanted to see me?

Go in, Mr Hunter. But watch out.

He's probably on his fourth tranquilliser by now.

Hi, Rufe.

Must be your fifth tranquilliser by now.

Gladys also tell you I drank my lunch?

She forgets I eat the olives.

That's where the nourishment is.

Gladys talks too much. I ought to get rid of her,

but she has it on me ever since I got juiced up at that Christmas party

and made a couple of passes at her IBM machine.

I finished the new animated cartoon commercial, Rufe. I think you'll like it.

It's to be sung by three chickens to the tune of "Old MacDonald Had A Farm".

It goes like this.

No, that's Yankee Doodle.

Hm.

You have to imagine it sung by three chickens, Rufe.

Singing commercials are dead, Rocky boy.

The surveys show the jingles become hits but the product doesn't sell.

Rocky, I've got some bad news.

- Bad news? - Concerns both of us.

- Better have a bracer. - I can take it straight.

So can I.

This is all gin.

Well, it seems the Stay-Put account may pull out.

This whole joint may foldy.

You and I are slated for the chute.

Well, that's how the ball bounces.

Wow.

Oh, boy.

Gee, I was counting on a raise pretty soon.

Be my guest.

Numby-wumby's on the house.

What's the matter, Rocky boy? No kopecks put aside?

No, not a kopeck. Takes a lot of money to raise a teenager properly, you know.

I know.

My Evelyn, she was a perfectly normal juvenile delinquent

until she got a breakdown.

Rock and roll got to her. Now I take her to the analyst three times a week.

The bills! The man must be building a monument to Freud.

But, er... that's the way the banana splits.

Don't worry, laddie, we'll get otherjobbies.

I will anyway. I've got no talent.

Be tougher for you, but you'll probably get your old job back.

On the fan magazine?

You did some good writing there, boy.

Mostly I just edited the Fan News column.

The only big star I ever got to interview was...

er... Bobo Brannigansky the TV Jungle Man.

It was a pretty good article, though.

I called it, "How Bobo overcame jungle rot." It was well received for what it was.

Well, that's what I mean. You can write. You can always write TV scripts.

You know, expand the one-line joke into the hour-and-a-half spectacular.

Time for another conference. Rocky, remember to keep this hushied.

Junior doesn't want this bruted about,

but I can't let an old Harvard classmate get pink-slipped without notice.

- Thanks an awful lot, Rufe. - Oh.

- I'll be in Junior's office. - Yes, dear. Er... sir.

We need a big idea and fasty, Rocky.

Let me know in the a.m. We're having a final showdown with the client.

There's a chance to save the account?

I've got a couple of campaign ideas

but if you can come up with the right slant, your problem can be solvy, solvy.

It can mean a vice presidency for you.

Excuse me.

'And until next week we say goodbye to Bobo Brannigansky,

'your friendly jungle man and star of the first adult monkey series

'brought to you by Flake-Off, the friendly skin peel.

'And now for the news.

'We take you first to Hollywood,

'where movie fans are agog over the recent movements of Rita Marlowe.

'Mystery surrounds the departure of the cinema queen from the cinema capital.'

'Mystery? I'm just going to New York with my secretary to rest in seclusion.

- 'Ooh! Seclusion? Is that right?' - 'That's right, you want to be alone.'

'Seclusion sounds so dirty.'

'Well, it isn't.'

'So that's it, I just want to be alone.

'So what's the mystery? I'm just a perfectly normal American girl.

'Ooh!'

This is your opportunity to make Junior sit up and take notice of you.

I'd like to get a great idea and go by him in the hall

and give him a taste of that Grey flannel sneer.

- Come on. - I'll never be a success.

And remember, if you don't get an idea, you're still a big success with me.

Am I? Hm?

Darling, please. April may come out and see us.

It's all right. You're gonna be her aunt some day soon.

You're not treating me like an aunt.

Well, I don't feel exactly like an uncle.

All right, but easy. My insurance doesn't cover hallways.

Ugh. I've lost my touch.

I'm cracking.

I miss 'em already, all those little Hollywood incinerators puffing away,

making that nice black smog that covers up the freeway accidents.

I'm sorry, Vi, I just had to get away.

If you wanted seclusion, I could've drained the swimming pool.

Why the rush to New York?

So I can form my own production company.

- Do you expect me to believe that? - Oh, all right.

I wanted to get away from Bobo. I'll show him he can't walk out on me.