The Office

Brain teaser.

I have two coins totaling 15 cents.

One of them is not a nickel. What are they?

A dime and a nickel.

No, I said one of them is not a nickel--

But the other one is.

I've heard that before.

Okay, a man and his son get into a car accident.

They are rushed to the hospital.

The doctor says,

"There's no way I can operate on this boy."

"Because he's my son."

The doctor is the boy's mother.

A man is found hanging from the ceiling.

He stepped on a block of ice, hung himself,

and the ice melted.

A hunter...

It's a polar bear because you're at the North Pole.

Damn it!

Episode 5 "Initiation"

The catch 22 team Raceman

Tell me what you did yesterday.

Uh, nothing.

Nothing? Yeah, nothing.

How was your day?

I don't care how your day was, Michael.

Wow.

Well, okay.

I don't care how your day was either, Jan.

I was just asking you because you asked me.

Tell me what you did yesterday.

I worked.

And then I went home to my condo.

And Carol came over.

And we had sex.

Is that what you want to hear?

Never, ever, ever sleep with your boss.

I'm so lucky that Jan and I

only got to second base.

Hi, Pam.

Hi. I'm great.

So, Pam, I'd like you to keep

a log of everything Michael does hour by hour

so that we can analyze it at corporate, okay?

- Oh, I don't know... - Thanks, Pam.

It's weird.

Jan used to treat Michael like he was a 10-year-old.

But lately it's like he's five.

So, are you excited?

Yeah.

Very excited?

Yes, I'm very excited.

Extremely excited?

Just very. That's cool.

I have spent a year here.

And I have to commit or get out, so...

Dwight's the top salesman in the company,

and he's taking me on my first sales call today.

And, I'm excited.

I am very excited. Ryan hasn't made a sale yet.

But more importantly, he hasn't made an ally yet.

Is he gonna be a slacker- loser-wise-ass like Jim was,

or is he gonna join the Dwight Army of Champions?

So, what if they're not talking much?

Then does it make sense to kind of lead the conversation?

You know, just until it gets to a point where

they are asking questions?

So, where's the sales office?

When you are ready to see the sales office,

the sales office will present itself to you.

Your journey begins now.

Hey.

What?

My chair's squeaking.

Is it?

You took my chair.

No, I didn't.

I took back the chair that you took from me.

But I didn't take your chair.

When you get up, I'm just gonna take it back anyway, so...

So I guess I can't get up.

Hey, Coselli!

The Coz! The Cosby.

Hey, hey, hey!

I love Jell-O Pudding Pops!

My son Theo love Jell-O Pudding Pops too.

Do you know where we are, Temp?

I know where we're not.

I hold in my hand a beet seed.

Take it.

When you...

Damn it.

Hey, Big Tuna. Can I talk to you for a second ?

Sure.

Can you stand up

and talk to me over there?

That's it?

That's what you came up with?

I'm acting my heart out here.

Really, huh? Yeah, really.

You asked for my help, so I helped.

Attention, Scranton Business Park.

There will be complimentary pretzels

available in the lobby from now until 4:00

as a thank-you to our loyal tenants.

Once a year, they bring in a little cart.

And they give away free pretzels.

It's really not a big deal.

To some people it is.

Productivity is important. But how can I be productive

if I have this one little thing in my brain

that I cannot get out?

And that one little thing is a soft pretzel.

So I'm just gonna have my soft pretzel.

And I'll get to work. And I'll be super productive.

Look at for me.

Oh, sh...

Come on.

And just as you have planted your seed in the ground,

I am going to plant my seed in you.

I don't think you know what you're saying.

Smells pretty bad, doesn't it?

Uh-huh.

It's called bullcrap.

And a client can smell it from a mile away.

- Gotcha. - Oh, hey...

I forgot something in my car.

- I'll be right back. - Okay.

Of course.

I wake up every morning in a bed that's too small.

Drive my daughter to a school that's too expensive.

And then I go to work to a job for which I get paid too little.

But on pretzel day...

Well, I like pretzel day.

Cause they're acting all tough and everything.

But what they were rapping about was cupcakes

and The Chronicles of Narnia.

Who invented cupcakes, right?

I want to kill them. Hey! Hey, Phyllis !

What are you doing?

I'm just saying hi to Bob.

No, I think you're cutting in line.

Well, settle down, Scott.

- No, I'm not gonna settle down. - No, no way.

Uh-uh, boo! Get in the back, please.

- Boo! Back of the line! - Thank you!

That's right.

What a pair of Marys.

This is pretzel day.

"Hey, Dwight, you're a great salesman.

Can you teach me?"

Sure, Ryan.

I'll make you kneel in cow manure.

And I'll abandon you in a beet field."

Oh, that sounds great, Dwight.

"I really appreciate that.

Thank you so much for your mentorship."

Congratulations, resourceful salesman.

You have passed the second challenge.

Welcome to Schrute Farm!

"Love me, love me"

"Say that you love me"

- "Fool me, fool me" - Stop.

"Go on and fool me"

"Love me, love me"

- "Say that you love me" - This is not fair.

It's gonna be in my head all day. Please?

"Go on and fool me"

"Love me, love me"

This is not a proportionate response.

"Say that you love me"

"Fool me, fool me"

"Go on and fool me"

"I don't care 'bout anything but you"

Whatever happened to those guys?

- Michael. - No cuts!

Pam. Just the woman I'd like to see.

- You read my mind. - Great.

I thought you might want to use this time

to authorize some checks.

I thought that maybe you could

wait in line for me while I go to the bathroom.

You're an angel.

Hey, why don't you just go up to your office,

get some work done,

and I'll bring you a pretzel?

Because I like them a certain way.

And if it gets screwed up,

then this whole thing's blown.

You know, I just think it's really important that

you be productive today.

Pam, productivity starts with patience and determination.

I ll be back..

It is time for your next test.

You have planted the beet seed.

You have walked the long, lonely walk of loneliness.

Look, man. I was in a frat in college.

So I know what you're doing.

I get it.

You know what your problem is?