Love a la Carte

- In the beginning, there was 1967.

Casual sex was born and celebrated.

Men and women everywhere enjoyed

a new sense of sexual freedom.

But by the end of the 70s,

there was a terrible buzzkill

and the party was over for everyone.

Then came the 80s,

and casual sex suffered further under President Nancy Reagan.

F'ing Canadian!

- But that too did pass,

and the 90s brought forth another revolution,

casual sex under reprieve and a new sense of acceptance.

During this time, Al Gore invented the internet.

Electronic mail and personal advertisements

were soon targeting an unsuspecting public.

Millions began connecting with others unknown

for the sole purpose of instant personal gratification.

This modern marvel soon turned wicked.

And spawned the philandering creature,

the married man.

This is his story.

* The penis is the loneliest of animals

* Wandering here and there

* Roaming around from town to town

* Beneath a nest of hair

* You may think his life's a breeze

* Easy and carefree

* But sometimes it gets very sad

* If it's not where it should be

* It should be in a vagina

* It should be in a vagina

* Life don't get much funner yeah

* That's the way it is

Hello?

I'm home.

Anybody?

Mom?

You promised!

Can you feel how happy you make me?

Ooh la la.

I know where we can go.

I think my brother's watching scrambled porn again.

Busted!

Mom?

You're home early!

This is Diane.

Hello (laughs).

- Married for 19 years, three kids,

all of them couldn't tell you when it was her birthday.

Diane met Phil's three requirements for casual sex,

human, alive, married.

-Which is pretty pathetic when you consider

there's eight million people in Naked City.

You'd think I could find at least one married

woman who'd want to F word.

- I need to use the phone.

Wait just a minute.

-Why can't you remember to lock the front door?

-I left a set with Gene in the car.

What are you doing?

Online.

Playing web games again?

No, shopping,

for your birthday.

-It's a little early to be shopping for my birthday isn't it?

-Well, Lordy Lordy, here comes 40.

Don't remind me.

-Who do you need to talk to so urgently?

-Look, I'm tired of competing with you

when I need to use the phone.

-I'm working on getting an upgrade.

-We must be the last family still using dial up.

-You're the one that's all about saving money.

Then I surrender, Ok?

We need a better connection.

-How about a high speed fiber optic cable for your birthday?

Wouldn't that be romantic?

I'll make it easy for you.

All I want is a vacation.

Is that all?

Yeah, get off soon Ok?

Everyone has an excuse.

I do.

- Phil liked the applause.

All right?

- Phil liked saying yes.

- Of course you deserve a loan without

any verifiable income.

- Phil liked being appreciated

for doing what Phil was expected to do,

day after day, week after week.

-Sorry but you're much to responsible for a loan modification.

Year after year,

being the hero,

Need a jump?

- Phil was happy with his row.

For Phil, it was a fair trade for true love and

happy penis.

Absolutely!

- Then at some point the applause lessened,

appreciation waned.

But Phil was fine with this life of quiet desperation.

As long as Phil was getting laid.

- Please, please, have a seat.

for the pleasure.

What did you say?

Easy now, just relax.

- I think I'm gonna get a (mumbles).

You 42?

37.

-I think you are a little young to be in

for a prostate exam, aren't you?

-Well, I thought it'd be a good idea.

How long have you been married?

12 years.

Long time.

Do you have regular intercourse?

Almost always, so boring.

That's not what I meant.

-I try to get backdoor, she always says no.

I know why now.

Are we almost done?

Oh course, yeah, yeah.

Yep!

Do you have regular ejaculation,

like daily, weekly, monthly?

Why are you asking me this?

-Because see your urine sample test

always indicates excessive amounts of seminal fluids.

What does that mean?

It's not healthy.

See, your body constantly manufacturers sperm.

And when you don't ejaculate regularly

semens is absorbed back into the body.

This creates stress on the testes,

which in turns harms your prostate.

English?

Blue balls kill Phil.

Call me for a follow up.

- Come on honey, doctor's orders.

I would prefer not to.

If I don't get a blowzoe joe,

I could get prostate cancer and die.

Prostate cancer?

You're pathetic.

-It almost killed America's favorite mayor.

It wasn't 9/11, you know.

-Go jerk instead of blowzoe joe, I'm tired.

I love you.

Good, then you understand.

- One day, Phil realized he's made love

more times to himself this year than he had with his spouse.

-You can't turn your wife on, who can you?

-I can't go to sleep because my penis

is harder than Chinese calculus.

Age, sex, location?

-37 and married but not dead here.

Who's on the down low?

-Don't let your small phallus ruin your sex life.

-Barely legal student needs hot release.

Wanna go primate?

Wicked, wicked--

Having a huge lovestick is easy

with a miracle herbal solution.

-Isn't this room for married people only?

Freaks in the doctor.

That means you, and you.

Where are the cyber windows?

Hey stud!

Wrong, wrong!

-Sexy slut with big yam yams wants to drain you dry.

Sounds inviting, wanna cyber?

-You bet hun, just cum to my website.

$39.99 per month gets you easy--

Burn in hell!

How about a lube job?

You're nuts!

- Gene and Phil each married about

the same time in their early 20s.

But whereas Phil volunteered for the war,

Gene was drafted.

Isn't your wife turning 40?

I mean all the checkout magazines says

she should be getting her freak on.

-Yeah well at this stage of my marriage,

being married is like being in prison.

No it's not amigo.

-Oh yeah, there's more sex happening in prison.

You and Evelyn Ok?

Well, we're good cellmates.

-I know what you're thinking, don't do it.

You can't lie.

I can lie.

-Yeah, what's the biggest lie you ever told?

I do.

-If you start telling yourself there's ways outside of

your marriage to find happiness then you're done.

You wouldn't like it if she was doing it to you.

-Wow, I totally lost my erection.