Bored to Death

‫All the shadows in the city

‫used to love you, what a pity

‫I miss the questions you used to ask me

‫Bored to death, cut, mad and lonely

‫Bored to death, cut, mad and lonely

‫Bored to death, cut, mad and lonely

‫- Do you like books? ‫- Oh my God

‫Sorry

‫Are you, ah, Dmitri?

‫- That's not the code ‫- Sorry

‫- I love books and books love me ‫- Better, I am Dmitri

‫- I'm Jonathan Ames ‫- I know

‫Thank you for suggesting ‫that I bring Gogol the Nose

‫In addition to being a private detective ‫I'm also doing some writing on the side

‫- and I always love novels ‫- Me too

‫Burgenyef, Dostoevsky, Gogol ‫these were my cellmates in prison

‫- They kept me alive for 3 years ‫- Prison? Why were you in prison?

‫It's not important, let's sit and talk

‫- I need you to find a woman ‫- That's my specialty, I've found several

‫Good, she is the great love of my life ‫she is all I thought about in prison

‫- How long were you with her? ‫- 1 night

‫- Just 1 night? ‫- Oh 1 night

‫if the love is perfect, is all you need

‫- Also I was arrested the next day ‫- Mmmm

‫We met in Brighton Beach, very ‫romantic, have you ever been there?

‫No, my girlfriend Suzanne always ‫wanted to go to those nightclubs out there

‫We never did and then she broke up with me

‫Oh, well of course, you don't ‫take her where she wants to go

‫So what did you offer her to stay? ‫Diamonds? Gold? Car with sunroof?

‫No, I just begged, and I um...

‫- Cried? ‫- Oh no

‫Good, it's natural, but also ‫if you want to keep a woman

‫you have to be strong

‫Women need us to be ‫commanding and decisive

‫- But do they? I don't know, maybe they do ‫- They do

‫So my woman...

‫I don't know her real name ‫only her stage name

‫- Irina the Lonely White Dove ‫- Mmmm

‫She was singer at Cafe Tatiana ‫I want you to go there

‫I'm happy to go to this club for you

‫but why don't you just go? ‫It will save you my fee

‫My parole officer won't let me out at night

‫That's why I find you on Craig's List

‫Also I got apartment, exercise bicycle ‫and you, my own private detective

‫I'm your man, then, I'll go to Tatiana

‫Spaciba

‫Please find my woman

‫Do you think I lost Suzanne ‫because I didn't take her places?

‫Or do you think I lost her ‫because I was indecisive?

‫Probably both

‫But I can't think about your failed ‫relationship right now, I have to tell you

‫- I'm in a bad way, Jonathan ‫- Why, what's going on?

‫The magazines numbers are way down

‫Newsstand subscriptions, advertising ‫it's very bleak, and it's all my fault

‫It's not your fault, all magazines are dying

‫Yes, yes, but a few will survive

‫It's Darwinian, see? We... we ‫need to adapt, I... I need to adapt

‫Our biggest problem is our female demographic

‫See we've lost over 37% of our women readers

‫- That is a lot of women ‫- I know

‫So what's the plan? Hire more women writers?

‫That's a good idea actually

‫That'll be the 2nd step ‫1st step though is to change me

‫See, I'm right, the magazine will be right

‫But how are you going to change? ‫You told me once that after the age of 55

‫it's impossible to change

‫That's why my therapist ‫is suggesting something radical

‫- He wants me to experiment with bisexuality ‫- What?

‫- Christopher me to clean in here ‫- Yes, of course, yes of course

‫Um, sorry, ah

‫He says it will help me ‫appeal to women readers

‫You know, put me in touch ‫with my feminine side

‫- Your therapist sounds crazy ‫- I know, I know

‫But most therapists are ‫that's what gives them insight

‫- This is insane ‫- Well, what can I say, Jonathan?

‫I.. I am desperate to help the ‫magazine, I'm willing to try anything

‫But if you experiment with bisexuality

‫you'll just be more gay ‫not necessarily more feminine

‫That's fine, I mean, who... who ‫designs women's clothing? Gay men

‫Who do women find attractive? Gay men

‫Who writes women's TV shows? Gay men

‫- I really think it's my only choice ‫- But have you ever experimented before?

‫No, but I do have an open ‫mind about the whole thing

‫You know? Laurence Olivier ‫and Danny Kaye were lovers

‫Really?

‫Yeah, and oddly enough ‫they're two of my favorite actors of all time

‫I mean they were like ‫2 sides of this strange coin

‫Hamlet and the Court Jester ‫The Dark Prince and the Technicolor Clown

‫- I mean, it's amazing ‫- It's hard to imagine them as lovers

‫Sorry to put this in such old fashioned terms

‫but who do you think played ‫the woman in the relationship?

‫Danny Kaye, I mean ‫he could do a lot of accents

‫That way Olivier could have ‫a different woman every night

‫I'll have a white wine

‫I was wondering if you could help me

‫I'm looking for a singer ‫Irina, a Lonely White Dove

‫I don't know if you gentlemen ‫heard my question

‫but ah, I'm looking for Irina ‫the Lonely White Dove

‫- You're a tourist? ‫- No, no, not exactly

‫- I live in Brooklyn ‫- Well, come sit down

‫Have a good Russian meal ‫Vodka, Caviar, Blini, Cigar

‫Excuse me, who's that beautiful singer?

‫Oh, that is Basia, you have no chance ‫she's not interested in penis, she's a saffo

‫Oh, I'm not... I didn't mean it

‫do you know... is there a singer here ‫named Irina the Lonely White Dove?

‫- Her old boyfriend's looking for her ‫- We don't have a Lonely Dove

‫We have a Lonely Sparrow ‫she sings tomorrow

‫Great, thank you

‫Oh, thank you

‫Nastrovia!

‫Is vodka really made from potatoes?

‫Oh, I'm really hung over from that vodka

‫Well, you've got to write something ‫I do my best work hung over

‫I have less brain cells to confuse the issue

‫I did think yesterday morning right ‫after I barfed all over the place

‫- You're not that big ‫- In my mind I am

‫- Huge, but underused ‫- What are you drawing this for?

‫It's a story about being a sperm ‫donor to Lisa and Michelle

‫and how Leah won't sleep with me

‫This editor as Esquire is really into it so

‫Really great work... ‫I'm sorry, I feel so sick

‫- Let's go get a drink right now ‫- Aw, quit kidding around

‫I've got to drink more tonight ‫going back to that club

‫I'm supposed to find out ‫if the Lonely Sparrow is Irina

‫I actually had a really ‫fun time there last night

‫I can't believe I never took ‫Suzanna to Brighton Beach

‫Why don't you take Suzanne tonight, you know?

‫You guys haven't had any break up sex ‫right? It's been a couple of months

‫You're due

‫- Maybe you're right ‫- Well, if you do call her

‫maybe Leah and I can go with you ‫we're supposed to work on our intimacy issues

‫But, if the 4 of us go ‫that's not very intimate

‫Yeah, but if you go, we won't fight ‫and that's really good for intimacy

‫My wild life

‫- Hello ‫- Suzanne? It's Jonathan

‫I know, what's going on?

‫First of all I just want to say I'm ‫really sorry about what happened

‫the last time I saw you ‫with your Al-Anon friend

‫- Let's not talk about it ‫- Well, I want to make it up to you

‫Know how we never went to Brighton Beach

‫because I thought it was ‫too long of a subway ride?

‫Well, you and I are going out there tonight

‫That's right, um, I... I... ‫I found this great place

‫we'll eat dinner, drinks, dancing

‫You know I don't want to see you drinking

‫I was talking about water, we'll drink ‫water after we dance, to rehydrate

‫- What is this about? ‫- Nothing

‫I'm just feeling really decisive

‫You know, I want you to have the ‫Brighton Beach that I never gave you

‫I don't think we should be ‫going on a date, Jonathan

‫- It's not a date, it's platonic ‫- Dancing is platonic?

‫Yes, dancing is platonic

‫We'll stay 3 feet away from each ‫other the whole night, I promise

‫And, and there's going ‫to be lots of people there

‫Ray and Leah, Shbadezh Bah ‫ah, lots of people

‫Well, I guess I did always want to go

‫We don't even have to sit next to each other

‫I'll sit across the room the whole ‫night sending you platonic love notes

‫What's a platonic love note?

‫I just thought it was going to be you and me

‫Well, Jonathan knew where this place was

‫and it just seemed easier ‫if we just came together

‫Plus he split the car service with me, so

‫Well, if it meant being alone ‫I could have paid for the car

‫Well, tonight is on me and Jonathan, oh good

‫A little bit of potato sauce

‫- What are you doing? ‫- I'm zapping it

‫Like Ice Man from the X-Men series?

‫Remember when I drew them for Marvel?

‫Could we please not talk ‫about comics for one night?

‫Ok, to the prettiest girl in Brighton Beach

‫That's better

‫- Hi Leah, hey Ray ‫- Hey, want some vodka?

‫Ok, I thought there would be more people here

‫I thought there'd be less

‫Well, we don't know these ‫people yet, but you'll see

‫Pretty soon this place is going ‫to be like a big Russian wedding

‫By the end, we're all going ‫to know each other pretty well

‫Well, unlimited vodka here, this is ‫where the vodka is, to the drug czar

‫- Cheers ‫- Chin chin

‫I thought you said ‫you weren't drinking tonight

‫Oh ah, well, it was just a celebratory ‫toast, you know, when in Moscow

‫I'll switch to water now, so, to water

‫To water

‫Oh, it's good

‫- Let's all dance ‫- That's a good idea

‫No, my toes are all fused ‫my toes are fused

‫Come on, don't be a baby