Mike & Molly

Wow, what a fun night.

We got to watch two guys at Joules Fall eating wild boar with their bare hands.

Wild boar my ass, it was hamlow.

Let us not quible saucy wrench.

Ooh, apologies, Sire.

Well, maybe next weekend we can go to the museum.

Uh, maybe.

We'll talk about it.

Why the hell is the chain on?

Who's in there?

I don't know.

The only other person who has a key is Carl.

Why does Carl have a key to your apartment?

I gave him one in case I'm out of town,

and I need him to bring in my mail or water my plants.

All right, well, you're not out of town

and you don't have any plants.

He's probably in there doing some broad.

Mike, that's disgusting!

Sorry! He's in there making sweet love to some broad.

So you're telling me, right now,

he's in there having sex on our bed?

I don't think so; Carl likes to stand and deliver.

Oh, God, I don't want to know that.

How often does this happen?

I don't know; I gave him a key about four years ago,

so, what is that? Once every four years.

Well, it looks like we're going back to my place.

Boy, I don't know about that.

I'm still not real comfortable, you know,

sleeping over with your mom and sister within earshot.

Come on, spank my butt!

Your place it is.

Make haste! Make haste!

Morning, sunshine.

Morning.

Did you sleep okay?

Mm-hmm.

You must have been really exhausted last night,

'cause the minute your head hit the pillow,

you were out like a light.

Nothing could wake you.

Not whispering in your ear, not massaging your shoulders,

not a gentle tap with ye olde jousting pole.

Some nights, Mike, we're just gonna go to sleep.

That's not a problem, is it?

No, not at all.

Besides, it's the waking up next to you that I live for.

How many times last night did I say,

"please stop poking me in the back with your jousting pole"?

Four. You had to say it four times.

Well, I guess, on the upside, Carl got to have sex last night.

Ah, there it is.

Listen, the minute he's out of there,

I'll bring in an entire cleaning crew.

Guys that do crime scenes.

They can get brains out of air conditioning vents.

I just thought your apartment was our secret little getaway.

A place where no one would bother us.

And now it just feels like the "happy ending room"

at the chicken ranch.

Look, I'll get the key back from him

and if he needs it again, he can call and schedule something.

You are really not hearing me.

I'm talking about on one of our sex-free nights.

By the way, how often is that gonna happen?

You know, so I can bring over a book or a puzzle.

You're a real class act, Vince...

Oh, you need your space?

What you need is hair plugs and a breath mint.

What's going on?

Mom's breaking up with Vince.

Fine. I want my garage clicker

and my Walgreen's senior discount card.

Let's see what kind of Casanova you are

when you're paying full price for your boner pills.

Mmm! Coffee.

Mom, forget that creep.

You can do a lot better than him.

And I will.

What do you men want from us?

We cook for you, we clean for you,

we destroy our bodies giving you children.

Not that I'd trade either one of you for my old boobs.

You know, I would love to stay and chat,

but I should probably skedaddle.

Oh, yeah, that's what you do best-- you run.

Leaving us with nothing but heartache

and a crotch full of stubble burn.

You know what, I don't need any coffee.

I am wide awake. Bye-bye.

You know, if they'd invent a vibrator

that killed spiders and did the cha-cha,

we wouldn't need any of 'em.

Mm-mm-mm!

There's nothing like a night of good loving

to make a man feel alive.

I wouldn't know.

Going through a little bit of a dry spell, are you?

Don't worry-- I'm getting enough for the both of us.

Good for you. I want my key back.

What are you talking about?

I haven't ridden all the rides yet,

and you're trying to shut down "six flags over Carl".

Well, why can't you go to her place?

'Cause I'm not comfortable having sex in a bunk bed

with her sister underneath us cooking kimchi on a hot plate.

Wait, she's Korean?

I think she's Korean.

Is "Carl too beaucoup" Korean?

No, "Carl too beaucoup" is a lie.

Well, whatever, you gotta give me one more night.

Aw, Carl. Please!

I can't bring her back to my place.

My grandma's going to make her do the laundry.

All right, I'll give you one more night,

but then I need the key back.

Thank you.

You're a great man.

Which by the way, in Korean is--

Heard that a lot last night.

All right, the dishes have been washed and dried.

Oh, wait, there's one more dish.

I think this one, I'll just lick clean.

Mike!

You want to go upstairs and burn off dinner?

I can't. I have, like, three hours worth of papers to grade.

Three hours?

What am I supposed to do for three hours?

I don't know-- what did you do before you had a girlfriend?

I didn't do dishes, I can tell you that.

Go watch TV.

So is that it? We're never going to have sex again?

What is the matter with you?

It's only been one night.

I know, but it's a bad pattern.

You hear about couples all the time

that lose that part of their relationship.

Next thing you know, she's joined a book club

and he's rubbing up against old ladies at a grocery store.

Listen to me.

I didn't say none at all or never again.

I said not now, okay? Okay.

So we're still in that hot, crazy,

'can't get enough of that funky stuff' phase, right?

Absolutely.

If I didn't have to eat, bathe or earn a living,

I'd never unwrap my legs from around your mighty torso.

Really?

Mm-hmm. Yep, 24-seven, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex.

All right!

And even though I know you're shining me on,

I'll take it.

Hey, Victoria.

Whoa.

Where did you come from?

The kitchen.

What are you watching?

A very informative documentary

on UFO's and extraterrestrials.

Well, yeah, but you don't actually believe

that we've been visited by aliens, do you?

Yes, I do.

And they're not just visiting.

They're here.

Really!

Haven't you ever been in a conversation with somebody,

and the whole time you're thinking,

"wow, this person is from another planet"?

Yes.

Well, there you go.

Seeing is believing, Mike.

Same thing with Bigfoot.

Wait, now hold on.

Now you're telling me you believe in Bigfoot?

I didn't used to.

Till I saw him running away from our campsite

with a can of pringles and a bag of weed.

I see.

So Bigfoot stole marijuana from you?

That's messed up, right?

Totally uncool, yeah.

What is camping without weed?

I'll tell you what it is.

It's just sleeping outside.

You know, that's actually very true.

So, yes, I do believe in Bigfoot.

And yes, I think he's a total jerk.

Mrs. Flynn, you all right?

Fine.

Okeydoke.

Damn it, my penchant for chivalry

is nothing but a curse.

Coming in. You decent?

Is there anything I can get you?

I want my youth back.

I was thinking more along the lines

of a fresca, or piece of toast?

You know, when I was young,

I was considered quite the catch.