The Mindy Project

If you had told me five years ago that I,

Daniel Castellano, would be dating Mindy Lahiri,

I would have said, "Oh, is everyone else on the planet dead?"

I was kind of a dick back then.

Oh, my! Hey! Oh!

Sure, there were ups and downs.

But we finally found each other.

Can you believe it?

Me, a man that thought

that love had forsaken him, finally...

Shut up and do me!

After years of dating losers and sociopaths,

I'm now happily dating the man of my dreams,

a devout Catholic divorcé with some pretty serious dad issues.

Which, for a single, 30-something woman, is not too shabby.

Cantaloupe? But it hasn't been easy.

I've had to move out of my comfort zone.

Thank you.

You okay? Mmm.

Mmm-hmm. No, I'm good. Okay...

And Danny has had to change, too.

Danny, please come out.

But what is a relationship if not doing things you hate

in between sex sessions.

And speaking of sex,

I've learned that Danny gets turned on by some pretty unusual music.

Ripped By mstoll

Yep?

Hey, Danny, can I have your professional opinion on something?

I need someone of your expertise.

Of course.

I was hoping you'd ask me how to be a better doctor, Pete.

Now, what can I help you with?

I heard you're good with your mouth.

What does that mean?

I heard you're, um...

I heard you're good with your mouth.

What? Mindy told me.

And as you know, I've never given a woman an orgasm.

She says you're like a thirsty camel at a desert oasis.

I don't know if she's referring to a technique or...

Where's Mindy?

She's in the staff meeting that started five minutes ago.

Better get that hot little tongue of yours in there.

What?

Hey, what the hell?

Danny, take a seat.

Thank you for coming to this important meeting.

Every year, I try to get a charity initiative going.

Every year without fail, no one wants to help me.

Okay, I don't know why you are looking at me.

I am mad charitable.

I donated two cans of soup to get into a Katy Perry Q and A.

This year, therefore, I am holding

a fundraiser for our favorite charity,

with my old college chum, Lauren.

Hi. Yeah!

That's my girlfriend! Give it a twirl, girl!

- No. No, babe. - Show everybody.

No, babe.

I so happy you're all participating in this.

Albeit against your will.

Doctors Without Molars provides much needed

orthodontic care to the Third World.

What about my world?

Our PPO wouldn't cover my colored braces,

'cause they were "medically unnecessary."

Those cute little braces you're always talking about?

Yeah. Okay. That is so unfair.

I'll tell you why that happened.

Because men control health care.

And you know what else,

if there were braces for your penis,

we would not be in this situation.

Okay, that...

How about a charity that helps girls

who wanna look bangable at work?

Braces for penises is what we would call it.

That's... This is my thing. I can't go.

I have tickets to an execution.

Mmm-hmm.

I can go, but cannot pay.

And I need someone to keep me company while I'm there.

Dr. C, you're staring right at me, the job is yours.

No, no, no. I was looking at you because you were talking.

- Nevertheless, wrap it up. - Damn it.

I'm gonna shut this down before it spirals.

I'll see you all in a couple of days.

Lauren's apartment.

Everybody get back to work. Everyone get back to work.

Good meeting, though.

What are you telling everybody about me? Everything!

You're welcome, by the way.

I moved the router up high so you wouldn't trip on the wire.

A pretty girl like you shouldn't trip on a cord

and bust that beautiful face open.

I think you have a very nice face yourself.

You should see my calves.

Who are you?

This is Cousin Lou.

You know my Cousin Lou I'm always talking about, and you're like,

"Morgan, no one cares."

This is him. That's Cousin Lou?

Yeah, Dr. Reed hired him to do IT.

You know, we get a tax credit every time we hire an ex-con.

Well, I'm just so happy to work at a place that allows

hunky drifters like yourself to get a second chance.

For hopefully committing a white collar crime?

Oh... Oh, no, no.

But don't worry.

Morgan and I went to jail for boosting cars.

Look, no more stealing cars.

Dr. C... I don't...

I stayed in jail for murder.

Richard Lewis came to entertain us.

You killed Richard Lewis? No! No.

The guy next to me was heckling him.

So I stabbed him.

He loves Richard Lewis. Yes.

Okay, guys. Want to, uh, step out and just give us a minute?

Let me say one thing. Cousin Lou is on the market.

Can you imagine if you married my cousin?

Thanksgivings at your house.

Christmas at your house.

Ramadan at your house.

Big month for you. I'm not...

I'm not... I'm also not... Well, she is Muslim.

A very devout Muslim.

I'm not. I mean, it's fine to be. I'm just not.

You're not Muslim? No.

Mmm. It's okay, you know what?

I'll think about it. I think that's a nice offer.

Okay. Look, I get it. I'm not well read,

well-traveled, and our family's trash.

Ooh, yeah.

But I'm a white man who's interested in you.

Okay, we don't eat popsicles like that here.

That's not what I heard, homeboy.

I heard you're pretty good with your mouth. Oh!

Why is everybody at work talking about how I'm good with my mouth?

Oh. Because it's true.

Wait, are you mad?

Okay, Danny,

you can just tell everyone that I'm really good with my mouth.

Eh...

How dare you?

I mean, you're okay.

You certainly thought I was okay last night.

It was better last night.

Look, I appreciate that you value my skills,

but I can't be open with you if everything I say or do,

the whole office is gonna know.

But, Danny, that's who I am.

I need to be able to come into work and say to everyone,

"Danny and I had sex on the subway last night."

And then get everyone's take on it...

But if this is gonna work out, you can't be like that anymore.

Really? Yeah.

Okay. Yeah.

I can do that. Sure, you could do that.

I can change the very core of me.

Okay, come on. Hey, you can do it.

Hmm.

Danny?

Can you show me that move you do called the Staten Island Handshake?

Mindy says it made her pass out.

Peter, I don't think that was me.

I think that was somebody else who told you that.

No, you said you thought you were gonna melt

into your duvet cover, remember?

Hmm, yeah. That sounds like me.

Damn it. Has anyone seen my talc?

I need it, it's humid.

Okay. Just return it, no questions asked.

This, and what about this catering company?

Mmm...

Ah!

Danny, do you have any T-shirts

that are not a boy's size medium?

If you've got it, flaunt it.

All right, well, that doesn't really help me very much.

Oh!

Guess who kept her mouth shut all day about our personal business?

Like, last night how when you climaxed, you said "Whoa, Nelly!"

I am very proud of you. Thank you.

And, as a reward,

I have some very interesting information.

Is this boring, like all the states' capitals?

No, you have to promise me you won't tell anyone.

Okay, I won't tell anyone.

Wait, is this gossip?

No, I'm not gossiping. I don't do that.

This is just me

reporting the questionable goings on of people we know.

Okay.

So, tonight... Yeah.

I'm leaving the office,

I'm ready to hit the gym,

not the boxing gym, my regular gym,

because Terry at the boxing gym,