Blue Mountain State

The tower.

Is that a dildo?

- ( crowd cheering ) - man: Can you feel that?

You better hold on. This one's about to get bumpy.

Radon: Why? 'cause one bowl a day is not gonna kill you.

Hey. That was pathetic.

What do you guys call that shit out there, huh?

- Uh, winning? - No, that's not winning. That's hanging on by a pube.

He's such a wordsmith.

Lucky for us, we have a bye week coming up.

Now I suggest you all reflect a little bit,

think about what you need to do to become a better football player.

Thad, in my office now!

- Uh-oh. - I can't believe it's finally here.

- The bye week party. - We have a party every week.

No no no, not like this. No, the bye week party goes on for days.

Yeah, I mean, aside from Mardi Gras,

Homecoming, Marathon Monday,

Halloween, New Years, St. Patty's day and Spring break,

it's the only thing I have to look forward to anymore.

Where the hell was your head today?

You missed calls. You missed tackles.

You almost blew the game for us.

- I got a lot on my mind, coach. - Like what?

I'm thinking about leaving B.M.S. a year early to go pro.

Oh. Well, that's a tough choice--

To stay with the people who groomed and nurtured you,

or to abandon them for a bunch of superficial money.

I wanna show you something.

I like to keep this close to me all the time.

That's the day you named me captain.

It's kind of embarrassing,

but I've always had this crazy notion

that because you lost your dad

and my son is a grade-a shitbird--

Well, I always thought of you

as the son I wish I had.

Now I don't want that to influence your decision at all.

It won't, dad.

Please don't call me dad.

Ooh-ooh! Bye week party!

Radon's in the house!

I said, "ooh-ooh!"

Thad: I cancelled the bye week party.

Wait, what? You did what?

I need time to reflect on my future--

Whether or not to stay here another year at B.M.S. or go pro?

Dude, that's an easy decision, man.

Go pro. Make that dough. Now where are the girls?

Agreed. Go. Why don't you go pro?

I don't know what to do.

- Just get out of here. - Why would you cancel the bye week party?

Sammy: You don't even know my name.

Harmon: Vision quest!

You need to go on an apache vision quest.

It's a journey into the inner mind,

a spiritual awakening.

It's how I figured out which school to go to.

I went into the woods and five days later

a little spider with the face of Jeff Goldblum said,

"go to B.M.S.."

It's a sacred tradition.

Hell, even Jesus went on a vision quest--

40 days in the desert.

- I don't have 40 days. - Of course you don't.

That's what drugs are for. Somebody get my suitcase.

All right, number one, mushrooms--

Those'll open the door part way.

Number two, black matilda,

otherwise known as peyote.

A little bit of that and that door will swing wide open for you.

And then...

ayahuasca,

a special blend of shrubs from the venezuelan jungle.

This shit won't just open the door.

It'll blow the goddamn hinges off.

I also had some D.M.T. in here,

but I may have done that on the weekend.

Now we can just mix up some turpentine--

What did you just do?

What?

That was enough drugs

to last all of us the rest of the week.

I got a lot to think about.

Okay, we have to leave.

- I wanna see what happens. - No, you don't.

We gotta lock all the doors and the windows

and pack up everything that could be traced back to us.

- Really? - Now! Come on.

I think I can handle a few plants!

I'm okay, I'm okay.

Hello?

- Anyone there? - Shit!

Shit. I'm late for the party.

I canceled the party.

Not that party, you idiot. The real party in the woods.

- Who are you? - I'm the spirit of B.M.S.! Ooh-ooh!

Are you here to help me make sense of my life?

I don't make sense, son. I make dollars.

If you wanna make sense of your life, you gotta get to the tower.

- What tower? - The friggin' tower in the woods.

Jesus! Listen, you just gotta go to it, okay?

That's all I know. You're gonna need this.

Okay? Take it.

Lube? What's this for?

Is something bad gonna happen?

Johnny friggin' questions over here. You're gonna need it. Trust me, okay?

I've got to get to the party. I'm late.

Wait. How do I get to the tower?

Do I go this way?!

Hello?

Hello?

I'm looking for a tower.

Radon? Oh, thank God.

There's a chinese guy in the woods. He's been eyeballing me.

Shut up and listen.

Radon the incomparable has spoken.

There's something I need to show you.

- What is it? - Just a little something called

your future.

Boy #1: Get out of my way, dick face.

Boy #2: No, you get out of my way, dick face.

No, you get out of my way, dick face.

No, you get out of my way, dick face.

Brad, Chad,

both of you shut your dick faces up!

- Daddy's watching tv! - Mom.

Kids, you heard your father. Shut your dick faces.

Both the clown and the pony were pronounced dead at the scene. So sad.

In other news, Thad Castle signed a record-breaking deal today

for $10 billion, a pro football record.

It's a good thing he left B.M.S. a year early to go pro.

Ding.

There's only one thing that can quench my monster thirst,

and that's Thad Cola.

So what's the deal with airplane food?

It tastes shitty, right?

It's good thing you left B.M.S. a year early.

Otherwise, you would have been hurt by that tornado

that wiped out the entire campus.

God damn it, Stacy,

sometimes I wish I'd been in that tornado,

then I wouldn't have to listen to you yap all day!

Get me another Thad.

March, woman!

And make me a ham sandwich.

I'm gonna marry Stacy Keibler?

Yep, but you have to go pro. It's your destiny.

There's gonna be people trying to stop you.

Don't trust anyone.

How do I know I can trust you?

You just have to trust me.

Fair enough.

Here, take this with you.

Don't open it. Now's not the time.

- When then? - Listen, this is very important.

There will come a time when--

Oh, shit! They heard us.

Oh, no, they're gonna try and stop you.

- What are you talking about? - Run, Thad!

Get to the tower.

Hey, you made it! Wow! What took you so long, buddy?

Welcome to the best party ever.

I can't party. I gotta get to the tower.

- Mojito? - My fave.

- Would you like a massage? - Shit, yeah!