Aries Spears: Hollywood, Look I'm Smiling

You've seen him on "mad TV."

One of the funniest cats in the game.

Put your hands together

for aries Spears!

New York City, what's happening, baby?

Your boy is home, New York.

Yeah, New York City, baby. I'm glad to be here.

I'm glad to be home and shit.

My man jazzy Jeff, much love, man.

I appreciate you, boy.

New York, I'm glad we've got an eclectic crowd, man.

There's a lot of black people here.

I want to thank the white people for coming.

You motherfuckers showed that you still know your place.

It's awesome you came with that kind of confidence.

Is that your man? Okay, how are you doing, bro?

Nigga, unfold your arms. Why are you looking at me

like you're the rent collector, nigga?

Unfold your arms.

No, nigga, I ain't nervous. You're a big motherfucker.

I throw a weight down, you gotta make a choice, motherfucker.

So is this... Is this your first negro?

That bitch said, "huh-uh."

I said that shit like he comes with a theme song...

You said no. That's gonna be an awkward drive home.

"Bitch, you told me I was special."

Y'all probably have great sex.

Y'all role-play at all? Do you role-play?

No?

You ever play "escaped slave and the master's wife"?

Hurry up, nigga. Get back to work.

You're on the clock.

Shit, you got a white girl, you gotta dress up like o.J. On Halloween,

come out of the closet with a butcher knife, scare the shit...

Arghh!

I'm glad y'all are together. That's fine.

Let me tell you something. When y'all have sex

you gotta role-play. It's fun, you know what I'm saying?

Black women, don't get me wrong, I love y'all,

but certain shit you can't do with y'all.

Y'all have too many rules and regulations.

Nigga, don't touch my hair. Don't be touching my motherfucking hair.

I just got my shit did. Nigga fucks you doggy style,

he's gotta keep his hands behind his back and shit.

He feels the urge to grab your shit, it might come off

like... oh shit!

You gotta have a chin strap on. You gotta keep it locked down, man.

You gotta have fun with that, man.

I notice we've got a pretty Asian girl sitting in the crowd.

How are you doing, sweetheart? You all right?

Yes, baby, you. Bitch, I'm looking at you. Yes, this ain't...

Yes, you, motherf... How are you doing, sweetheart?

I love Asian women. See, I could have fun with you

if you was my girl. We could role-play, you know.

Like I come home one day in a soldier's outfit.

And I got my dick hanging through the zipper.

And I'm like, "I'm an American soldier here to slay some..."

What's your nationality, baby?

What's your nationality? You Filipino?

Fuck it, it'd work better for the joke if you were Vietnamese.

So you're Vietnamese.

Like, "I'm an American soldier here to slay some Vietnamese ass."

And I can't see you. You're somewhere in the house hidden.

But you got like a potato sack on for a shirt,

a little dirt and mud on your face.

And I just hear you yell from a distance,

"you go home, black man. It's not your war."

And then when I see you, we fuck on a bed of rice paddies.

That would be awesome.

Don't get embarrassed. This is real shit, man.

And I don't want none of the white people to get uncomfortable

'cause I do like to talk about the race issue.

'Cause a lot of y'all try to act like this shit ain't relevant no more.

Like is race still relevant in America?

Look at some of the white people... "Whatever do you mean?"

Racism will always be relevant in America for two reasons:

One... there's too much bad history

and you can't erase that much bad history;

and two... I just think it's natural for everybody to be a little bit racist.

I don't give a fuck what color you are. What your gender is,

how old you are, we are all a little bit racist.

And white people, y'all are the first ones to denounce that shit...

"I'm not racist. I'm incapable of being racist.

My best friend is black.

He's also my chauffeur, but he's my best friend."

Everybody in this room,

everybody in this country is as little racist.

You might not be smack-a-taco-out-of- a-Mexican's-hand racist,

but we are all...

Fuck y'all, that is way funnier than that.

I don't know why y'all are scared to laugh.

You act like 300 Mexicans are gonna pop out of nowhere

like, "what the fuck, fucker?

I make a special sour cream for you, ese."

It's fucking hilarious.

And I live in L.A. I love the Mexicans, I do.

'Cause of Mexicans my lawn looks fabulous.

I got a little bit of money. I live in a white neighborhood.

They'd be out there cutting my grass and shit.

It'd be hot as a motherfucker outside.

I'd be staring at them from the house through the blinds.

Like, "mm mm mm."

20 minutes later they knock on the door and ask me for shit.

"Senor, it's hot outside."

They all sound like speedy Gonzalez.

"Is hot outside.

Me and my compadres was wondering,

can we have some agua?"

I'm like, "no, but I can give you some advice...

Hum your way through it, motherfucker. That's how we got by... bam!"

Fuck that. You got to earn your turn.

You can't just hop over a fence

and expect the same rights. You got to earn your turn.

Look at some of the white people... "Oh my god, he said it.

Thank you.

I've been feeling this, black man.

Thank you."

And I know that's a big deal in this country...

Illegal immigration.

White people... you guys get bent out of shape over that shit.

I hear you complaining... "Fucking Mexicans.

They're coming here taking our jobs.

Some of them have criminal records.

We're not safe. We don't know who's among us."

Well, let me remind all the white people

why instead of being mad at the Mexicans...

Technically you guys were the first illegal immigrants.

'Cause when you came to this country, it belonged to the Indians.

And we know how that shit turned out.

Look how quiet they got. Did you feel the tension all of a sudden?

They're like, "nigga, I can't believe you would say that.

We were just starting to like you.

How could you betray our trust?"

Listen, I don't give a fuck if you come to this country

legally or illegally, 'cause at the end of the day

we're all foreigners to some extent.

My only issue is if you're gonna come to this country,

I got one rule... Learn how to speak fucking English, please.

You've got to learn the fucking language.

'Cause there's nothing more frustrating to me

being in popeye's chicken

arguing with Jorge about what the fuck I ordered.

And I'm trying to catch the second half of the game.

I ain't got time for this shit.

You ever talked to somebody that don't know how to speak English?

They always got a look and a sound coming out of their face

like they're in the middle of taking a shit. It's hilarious.

Like, "excuse me, you know what time it is?"

"I don't speak no... I don't..."

I was at popeye's chicken

around the playoffs for basketball

and I'm arguing with this motherfucker about my order.

He didn't understand me. I didn't understand him. Shit was terrible.

I was like, "dawg, let me get a two-piece chicken dinner."

He tried to repeat the shit back to me...

"You want a two-pee yickie?

Do you want the spicy or the Mayo?"

I said, "what?" He said, "the spicy or the Mayo?"

I said, "what nigga you know puts mayonnaise on chicken?

Why would I put mayonnaise on chicken?

I'm a hot-sauce nigga. My daddy was a hot-sauce nigga."

He said, "no, the Mayo for the plavor."

I said, "what the fuck is plavor?"

He kept looking at the menu like it was "family feud"

and the answer was gonna pop up on the board.

"I don't know... The two-pee chicken,

the spicy or the mild, so you better get it for you."

I said, "let me get a two-piece chicken, spicy."

He said, "do you want a busy?"

I said, "yes, motherfucker, I'm busy.

I don't have time for this shit.

I'm trying to catch the game.

Kobe's on, nigga. Come on."

He said, "no, a busy."

I said, "what the fuck is a busy?"

"You put the butter and the cream cheese."

I said, "a biscuit?" He said, "si si,

but it's gonna be a two-pee chicken with the spicy or the mild.

It's gonna come with a busy, so you'd better get it for you.

Andale andale arriba arriba."

I said, "let me get a two-piece chicken, spicy, with a biscuit."

He said, "now you have to pickle your sides."

I said, "I'm not playing with my penis

in popeye's. I'm not doing that.

Why would I pull my dick out and Jack off near the crunchy? I'm not doing it."

He said, "no, you get a two-side order."

I said, "what kind of side you got?"

He said, "we habe de...

We habe de..."

It was "we have the," but "we habe de."

"We habe de yakaroni and yeese.

We habe de yashed potatoes."

I said, "fuck it, let me go with the yashed potatoes."

"You want something to drink?"

I said, "what do you have to drink?"

"We habe de...

We habe de sodas and the uses."

I said, "I don't want no soda,

but I'm curious about your uses."

What the fuck is "use"?