Todd and the Book of Pure Evil

At long last I finally have the source

of ultimate power and evil in my hands.

I'm going to spread your pages.

I'm gonna penetrate your deep dark secrets.

And shudder with ecstacy

as I bring my wildest desires to fruition.

So-

anybody know how we do that?

Only the former hooded leader, your dead father,

knew how to harness the book's power.

And he took that secret with him to his grave.

Maybe you shouldn't have killed him.

"Maybe I shouldn't have killed him."

Do you want to be next?

Minion Bob?

I can't believe he makes us wear name tags.

Okay!

I have a special surprise for all of you.

One of you-

is going to open the book for me.

You-

open the book.

But-

anyone using the book

will ultimately be destroyed by its power!

Well that's a sacrifeice, I'm willing to make.

With you.

I order you to open the book.

You cannot!

I'm the hooded leader so you-

do as I say.

Well, as Minion number one,

I can sub-order your order to someone else.

Minion Dave!

Open the book!

All right, I'll do it,

but this secret society has gone to shit.

All we do is stand around

in the dark talking about the prophecy.

Yeah, whatever happened to all the booze, the drugs-

the sexy girls-

you know, now you're just stalling.

Remember when we used to have prime rib for supper?

You're like a bunch of old farts,

flapping your wrinkly lips.

For just one good meal-

silence!

Minion Dave!

Open the book!

Would the hooded leader

please come to the activities room.

An altercation is in progress.

That's it-no more knitting circles okay?

Everybody follow me,

Minion Bob! Guard the book.

Just one good meal...

Okay-everybody focus.

When's the last time we saw Jenny?

Yesterday. She was heading

to the retirement home to search for her dad.

To the retirement home!

But that's Satan central!

And atticus might be there as well.

Uh!

I hate that guy!

Especially after he hypnotized me

into trying to kill you.

We have to assume that

the satanists have kidnapped Jenny.

This just became a rescue mission.

We rescue Jenny, get the book from atticus-

and stop you from destroying the world?

We're not 100% sure Todd's gonna do that.

Yeah.

Thanks dude.

Now-

let's load up.

On drugs!

Curtis, we discussed this.

Right, sorry.

I mean, load up on love.

Dude, what the hell?

Hannah thinks I smoke too much pot,

so I'm gonna cut down.

Dude, you've been dating for like a day

and you're already totally whipped.

Don't listen to him.

But he's my best friend.

And I'm your girlfriend.

Man, relationships are tough.

Those knitting needles are sharp.

Solitary confinement should cool down

Mildred and Betty for a while.

They're not so bad.

Look what they made me.

They even got my size right.

Fuck me with a scepter!

Five minutes!

I was literally gone five minutes!

I'd say more like seven-

ooh, lunch time. Come on, fellas,

let's get a good spot in line.

Where do you think you old farts are going?

Help me find the book.

What the hell is she doing here?

We caught her trying to rescue her dad.

Well didn't work out so well, did it?

That's sweet.

I've missed you too, pumpkin.

Oh, I'm gonna have to double diaper.

Uh-

Hey kids, what can I do you for?

Curtis and Hannah need weapons, Jimmy.

You kids ever heard of knocking?

Oh sorry Ms. dempsey.

Sorry's not gonna take this princess

to the enchanted kingdom.

So what are you guys fighting today?

Vampires? Zombies?

Zompires?

Senior citizens.

Those are the worst kind of monsters.

You know what? Help yourself.

I got some goodies in there.

Can you hand me that buddy?

I'm really sorry, princess.

I'm gonna have to drill you a new shaft another time.

You know, I don't like it either.

Another time girl!

Sorry.

What are you looking at?!

Get back to class!

Rough couple of days, huh?

Yeah, things could be better.

Or things could be a whole lot worse.

Yeah, I guess so.

Look, dude, shit happens.

Doesn't mean it has to stink up

the whole rest of your life.

You know what I'm talking about right?

Jimmy, I never know what you're talking about.

Alright listen, just stay away

from those assholes in the parking lot.

Yeah, tell me about it.

I mean it.

We're ready.

Let's move out.

Little dude!

Where you off to in such a hurry?

Don't say anything, just keep walking.

Whoa, ingratitude does not become you.

Yeah, we taught you how to fight.

And you couldn't even kill your loser friend.

Loser best friend, thank you very much.

Just ignore them. Those dudes are assholes.

And together they make one giant asshole.

You can't ignore us forever, little dude!

This loser's becoming a major pain in the ass.

Looks like we need to come up with another plan.

Already on it.

That's mine, you grey-haired crab-ladder!

Too late, you liver-spotted pansy!

We want more!

More food!

But... There is no more.

Liar!

Look he's made of food!

Oh!

I knew this day would come.

Ahhhh! Ahhhh!

So-

bet you're sorry you kicked me out of your gang now.

You lied to us, atticus!

And you kidnapped my father!

What did you expect us to do?

Well I have my own gang now.

And they are badass.

Hi.

Ish... Badass-ish.

What is it now Minion-

whatever your name is.

The residents are rioting!

Ugh!

We want food! We want food!

Didn't they just eat?

Food! Food! More food!

You people are a ringing endorsement for euthanasia!

Seriously.

We want food!

You!

Shut up!

How about I order some pizzas?

Food! Food! Food!

Run for your lives!

I think I know what happened to the book.

I guess it's nap time.

I better be nice to my kids

so I don't end up in a place like this.

Hey! Watch it!

I don't think that sword is such a good idea dude.