Key & Peele

I understand this is your first professional massage?

- That's right. Mm-hmm. - Okay.

I want to make you aware of some things

that may or may not happen,

but there's no need to feel embarrassed if they do.

Okay.

- Things such as crying. - Really?

Mm, oh, yes.

Massage can release pent-up emotions.

Also, not uncommon is the release of gas.

Like farting?

That's right, like farting.

- Also, erections. - Really?

- Yeah. - I didn't know that.

Let's get started.

Well, at least you didn't get a--

There it is.

So what's the craziest biblical name?

One of the best names in the Bible is Nimrod.

Don't think that didn't come from the Bible.

And what, is that the character that just,

- like, up? - No, you know what?

Nimrod, Nimrod is--

Nimrod is a mighty warrior.

There's a high school basketball team in Northern Michigan

called the Nimrods.

Can you imagine having to be like,

"Who a Nimrod? We Nimrods!"

Here we come, son. Here we come.

Hut!

Man, you feeling all right?

Yeah, I'm fine, man!

Let's go, let's go!

- Come on! - Let's go, man!

Man, what are we doing out there?

What are we doing out there, huh?

Because I don't know.

No, seriously, what-- what are we doing?

What-- What are we doing?

- Playing football? - Okay, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,

that's it, man. Playing football, yeah?

Yo, Eqqsquizitine.

You need to let the medics take a look at you, man.

Dude, I'm all right, man. I'm fine.

Shoot.

I'm here,

And I'm ready to do this, man.

- All right. - What about you all, man?

- Do you want this? - Yeah.

- Yeah. - Do you want this?

Yeah.

- Do you want this? - Yeah!

- Do you want this? - Yeah!

I mean, all you had to do was ask, man.

There's plenty of apple pie to go around.

You want some apple pie, brother?

You want some apple pie, brother?

Come on, man. Who want a slice?

Yo, Eqqsquizitine, ain't no apple pie, man.

- That's your helmet. - Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Dog, dog, dog, maybe you should just sit out the next play.

- Sit out the next play? - Yeah.

Are you gonna sit out the next play?

Nah.

You gonna sit out the next play?

I didn't think so. I don't need

to sit out the next play, and I'm gonna tell you why.

'cause all y'all.

'cause I know y'all got my back.

Y'all know what I see when I look at you?

I'ma tell you what I see.

- Grown men... - Yeah, yeah.

- Who look like giants... - Yeah.

with really big shoulders...

Yeah!

who are wearing short pants.

What?

And just right there, a few seconds of complete darkness,

and then I saw some little floaty specks of light

in the air, up like that.

- Eqqsquizitine. - Who is that?

Is that Cartoons Plural talking to me?

Yeah!

Cartoons Plural, where you at?

- I'm here, man. - Oh, yes.

You have a brain injury.

You need to get some medical attention.

I'm gonna tell you right now, Cartoon Plural,

who needs some medical attention is the Cougars over there.

- Dog, dog, dog. - What, what?

- We're playing the Bruisers. - Right, okay.

- Bruisers. - Okay.

Listen, y'all.

We need to remember who we are, okay?

We're the team of Destiny this year.

We're the team everybody talking about.

We're the team everybody afraid of, man.

We got to remember who we are.

- Who are we? - Rhinos.

Who are we?

The Rhinos.

- Who are we? - Rhinos!

- Who are we? - Rhinos!

- Who are we? - Rhinos!

- Who are we? - Rhinos!

- Are we the Rhinos? - Rhinos!

Oh, my God.

Somebody stole our horns.

- We got to find our horns, y'all. - Oh, it.

- Where the horns at? - What the ?

Doctor Forrest, dial 118, please.

Dr. Forrest, please dial 1-1-8.

- Don? - Yes, I'm here.

Promise you'll never forget about me.

Yes.

Of course.

Promise me you'll take care of our little girl.

And love her.

Yes, with all my heart.

Promise me you'll stay strong for her.

Yes, yes.

I promise.

And promise me you'll never sleep with another woman.

I hear you.

Promise me you'll take care of Mr. Big Fluffy Tail?

Yes.

Yes, yes, yes, done.

That cat will be the most loved cat in the world.

And that you won't look at porn.

- Ahh. - Huh?

Is that yes?

Checky, checky, checky, checky, chickety, chickety,

Chickety check.

No pornography.

Buster Brown says what?

Is that a yes?

Yo better believe

I heard what you said, girl.

You love me, right?

Yes, I love you. Yes.

And we're soul mates, right?

Yes.

So you will never, ever,

ever think of someone else while masturbating, right?

Message received.

I don't understand. Is that a yes?

Yo comprende.

Is that a promise?

Your request has been filed.

Say you promise.

Fuhgeddabouuuut, huh?

Huh?

- I need to hear you say it. - "It".

I-- No, say, "I pro--

- "I promise." - You promise.

You-- You promise.

Say it.

- Okay, "I promise." - No air quotes.

Say it, say it !

I promise, I promise.

What are you promising?

I promise what you said.

Fine, forget it.

Yes. I mean, okay.

Will you at least promise to go see my mom every day?

So zero pornography? Done.

I like that.

Nurse?

Fix my wife!

Don't touch me right now. I'm just--

I'm all about you...

I got to go to the bathroom, like, like, right quick, though.

Give me that-- give me that bottle, here.

I'm kidding.

Do you know anybody who's done that?

- Ever done that? - What, peed in a bottle?

- Yeah. - Probably.

I have a family member,

one time, who had some dysentery situations.

- Oh, no. - And we were out

in the middle-- like, in-- It looked like this.

- And this person-- - He had dysentery out here?

- Now, I didn't say it was a he. - Oh.

I'm just saying a member of my family.

This person had to go to the bathroom.

We're out in the middle of the desert.

We didn't have anything for this person to go to the bathroom in.

, there was an empty...

Country Crock.

Country Crock.

- Oh, no. - There was for real,

in real life an empty Country Crock.

This person left the car? They left the car?

- They left the car. - But you were in the desert,

so somebody could have just gone--

They didn't have to really.

They didn't have to.

- And then left it? - But it was so apropros.

Come on, man. Country Crock?