Happily Divorced

What's the matter, peter?

- I can't sleep. I'm having palpitations.

See, this is what happens

When you watch grey's anatomy before you go to bed.

All right, what disease do you think you have now?

I feel nauseous.

- Well, do you want your simethicone,

Your ibuprofen, or your acetaminophen?

Uh.

I don't think it's gonna help.

- Well, sweetie, is it because

You haven't sold a house in a couple of months?

Because the entire real estate market has bottomed out.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

- You know how much I love you, right?

- Oh, my god, are you having an affair?

Who is she?

No! Fran, no.

I'm not having an affair.

There is no other woman in my life but you.

- Oh, thank god. Mwah!

Ahh.

- It's just that I think I'm gay.

What?

I'm gay.

What?

- I've been feeling this for a really long time,

But I've been suppressing it--

- Wait a minute, wait a minute!

Stop everything! Nobody talk!

What are you saying to me?

Fran, I'm gay.

- But we just had sex during leno!

How gay can you be?

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god. I need a drink.

Well, what do you want?

We have vodka, scotch, tequila.

Good.

It's like everything's going in slow motion.

- Sorry. I don't know what to say to make you feel better.

How about "April fool's"?

You know, I always thought it was weird

That for our wedding,

You wanted a cassis sorbet intermezzo.

- Why? It was a lovely palate cleanser.

It matched the roses.

- Oh, my god, that was so gay.

- Look, fran I never faked loving you.

I loved you then, I love you now.

I love our life together.

That's why it's taken me so long

To face the truth about myself.

Have you met a man?

Where, in the hallway?

I just came out in the bedroom.

- All right, so wait a minute here.

Before you jump off this cliff,

How do you know this isn't some midlife crisis thing?

I mean, you've never even been with a man.

Trust me. It's not that great.

- Honey, do you think now's a good time

To talk about how we're going to tell other people?

- Oh, my god. We're gonna have to tell other people.

my parents!

Oh! My mother is gonna be devastated.

- We always thought he was gay.

He had beautiful cuticles.

You knew he was gay,

And you never bothered to mention it to me?

Both: We thought you knew.

- Why would I marry a gay man?

I don't know what to do.

Tell me what to do.

- All right, here's what you do.

You go to a lingerie store,

You buy something very sexy that'll turn him on.

Like what, a jockstrap?

By the way, darling,

We're getting tickets for west side story.

Do you and peter want to go?

Are you insane?

My husband is gay!

We're gonna have to get a divorce!

- Sweetheart, don't throw away a good marriage over nothing.

- Hola, mr. Peter. - Oh, hey, cesar.

- I finished delivering the flowers for mrs. Fran,

So I locked up the garage.

And I know that you two had a big fight,

So I made these for you to give to her.

- Oh, that's very thoughtful.

- And remember, no matter what you fight about,

There is nothing that a beautiful bouquet cannot fix.

I told her I was gay.

Oh.

We're gonna need a bigger bouquet.

Okay, we have got

A lot of important things to discuss.

Number one: We're getting a divorce.

Wait a minute. Are you still gay?

- Yeah. - Number two:

We're gonna split everything 50-50.

And I've been thinking.

With all the improvements that we made on the house--

The converted garage,

The central air conditioning,

The venetian fountain with the two cherubs

That you wanted...

I'm thinking that we should be able

To turn a pretty nice profit.

- Absolutely, if this were 1993.

What are you talkin' about?

- Fran, this house is upside down in value.

We owe more than it's worth.

- How could this be happening?

I did everything that suze orman told me to!

- Well, you're not supposed to borrow against your house

To open a flower business in the garage

During a recession,

But maybe you missed that episode.

- Well, I guess somebody deleted it to make room for glee.

Fran, I caused all of this.

I should be the one to move.

Okay.

That's very decent of you.

- Well, you know what, it's the least I can do.

I really appreciate it.

You know, I'm the one that found this house.

You wanted to move to west hollywood.

My business is in the garage,

And all of my stationery has this address on it.

I just redid my closets.

Wait a minute. Where are you going?

I'm moving into the den.

- You're moving into the what?

- The den. - Are you crazy?

We're not gonna still live together!

You have to get your own place!

Fran, I can't afford it.

Look, I understand that we both have to get on with our lives,

But where am I supposed to go?

- You're gay! Go to the y.M.C.A.!

Frannie, there you are!

- Oh, judi-booty! Mwah! Mwah!

Oh, going to a concert was such a great idea.

- Oh, yes, we had to have a girl's night out

Since you and peter signed the divorce papers.

So, how's it feel?

It's gotta be quite a change, huh?

- You know, I'll tell you something, judi.

It's been six months, and to tell you the truth,

It's like nothing has changed,

Except, you know, what did.

Yeah.

I pick up the dry cleaning,

He picks out my clothes.

I blow the leaves, he blows my hair.

I mean, it's like we're still married.

Oh.

Oh, wait a minute here.

That's peter.

What?

Your cortisone cream is behind your propecia.

Did you ever?

I'm sorry, mr. Peter!

I looked through all the drawers,

And I still cannot find your creams!

I have to go home.

- It's all right, cesar. I found 'em.

Oh.

Oh, I see you go to the gym a lot now.

Is that 'cause you're ac/dc?

Just dc.

- Why did you take all the hair off your chest?

Cesar!

Okay.

Just know that me and my wife still love you, mr. Peter.

Thank you.

- And someday, you will find somebody else.

I have a cousin in guadajara, juan pablo.

- That's very sweet of you, cesar,

But you know what, I think I can find my--ole!

Tell him to facebook me.

Yeah.

- Oh, judi, my jeans are so tight.

I can't stop eating.

I think I'm frustrated because I haven't had sex

Since peter dropped the bomb.

Please!

It's been over a year for me.

I developed carpal tunnel.

Oh, don't look now,

But the guy over there is checking you out.

Go slow, go slow.

All right.

He's gay.

He's not gay.

- Judi, he's sitting next to a guy

With bigger boobs than yours.

- Fran, not every guy you meet is gonna be gay.