How I Met Your Mother

In 1994, Robin's dad took her to New York City

for the first time...

This is amazing! Thank you, sir!

Wella little father-son bonding trip never hurt anyone.

I-I did almost die from malnutrition

on that wolf hunt last year...

I had to almost kill you

for you to learn how to kill.

New York City's the best, eh?

I despise it. It's like Edmonton,

minus the arts and culture.

Come on, we'll miss our flight.

I'll catch up.

One day, I'm gonna move here,

marry a sophisticated big-city man

with a sick mullet--

like all the way down to his shoulder pads,

and at night,

he'll let me brush it...

and I'll dig up this locket

so it can be my "something old" at our wedding.

R.J.!

Coming, sir!

: I'll be back for you.

Back then, I was...

but we're closer now.

I feel like I don't have to hide my feminine side anymore

just because you've always wanted a...

Son! It's Barney!

Great!

I'll be there in 15, B-dawg.

Woof, woof!

That's our thing.

Uh... be where in 15?

Laser tag.

Never been. B-dawg's gonna teach me.

Look, I-I think that it's great that you and Barney are...

B-dawg.

...B-dawg are bonding,

but, um... you agreed to help me with this.

Fine.

Where did you bury this tampon?

It's a locket.

I'm sorry, I get all these

girlie things confused.

Do you need my help or not?

Nah, it's stupid.

So while Robin searched for her something old,

Lily and Marshall packed for their something new:

Lily's year-long art consultant gig in Italy.

I still can't believe

we have to say goodbye to this place...

Oh. I know, baby.

But look at it as an excuse to simplify our lives.

You know, we can't bring everything to Italy,

so we gotta throw out some junk.

For example, look...

my old Sasquatch binders

that "I could never throw away"

because "I was gonna be the guy

who proved the existence of Bigfoot..."

These are obviously coming to Italy.

But these handbags?

Gonzo.

No way!

These have sentimental meaning to me.

Didn't you shop-lift these in your 20s?

Yes, and I get very nostalgic for that time.

You get older, you have kids, you stop stealing, it's sad.

Lily...

we just don't have room for these.

Oh, but you get to keep your Bigfoot binders?

Wait, why is this one just December 1999?

Oh. Y2K was coming.

Lot of people took to the woods.

Saw the truth.

Okay, Marshall, we don't have time to argue

over what stays and what goes.

Ooh, you know who we gotta bring in?

Okay, I agree he is good at this stuff,

but he just gets so cocky.

No, he doesn't.

So I heard you guys have a bit of a...

packing situation.

I acknowledge now this was a mistake.

Look, I came here to chew bubblegum and pack boxes.

And I'm all out of bubble...

: Oh, my God.... Oh, my God.

I swallowed it.

Is that bad?

Okay, thank you.

Well, Dr. Goldsmith says I should be fine.

I just have to look for it in my stool.

So as I was saying...

I heard you guys have a bit of a...

packing situation.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

Now, as you know,

I'm a bit of a legend when it comes to packing.

We know. We know.

Tales are still told

of the time I traveled all through Spain...

...for two weeks...

...with everything I needed

efficiently packed into a hands-free belt satchel.

The locals called me...

Yeah, it's not a "hands-free belt satchel," Ted.

It's a fanny pack.

It's not a fanny pack.

In Spanish, El Ganso con la Riñonera

means "Fanny Pack Dork."

No, it doesn't.

It means "Packer of Great Skill and Merit."

I looked it up.

It means"Fanny Pack Dork."

And as a Packer of Great Skill and Merit,

I will tell you how to pack with Tetris-like precision.

We get it, you pack a lot in your fanny.

Obvious yet delightful.

Okay.

I got a big interview at 3:00

about possibly designing another building.

Until then, if you abide by my rulings,

I will tell you what goes to Italy

and what goes in... The Triangle.

Kids, as you know, "The Bermuda Triangle"

was the name we gave to the curb

right outside our apartment,

which possessed the magical ability

to make any item disappear.

Instantly.

The biggest rule for de-cluttering is,

"Have you used it in the last year?"

If not... Triangle.

Have you used this jump rope in the last year?

Are you kidding?

I hop threads every morning, son!

Do three in a row and you can keep it.

Well-played, Mosby.

Next!

Have you used it in the last year?

Gee, I can't remember.

Are you trying to bribe me?

I don't know what you're talking about.

: Take it.

Triangle!

Next!

Wow, you're a natural... Dad.

You know, I love Robin.

And her sister's okay, I guess.

But there's something nice about finally having...

a son.

A s...

: I...

Cristalli twins, nine o'clock!

Now make like your mommy's ovum and split!

Solid biology joke, B-dawg.

Woof, woof!

Now, I'll admit,

to the untrained eye,

a few of my packing rulings

may have seemed arbitrary.

Let's Go Italy? Triangle.

Triangle...

let's go Italy.

A gorilla suit and a blonde wig.

Have you used either of these in the last year?

: Please, Queen Kong...

be gentle.

Nope, haven't used those.

I don't think those even belong to us.

Okay, here's an easy one.

A leaky, ten-year-old beanbag chair

covered in beer, bong water

and fossilized Cool Ranch Dorito fingerprints.

Italy.

Vieni ancora per Fudge Grande?

Guys, this chair has been here forever.

You gotta take it with you.

Italy. Ted...

Italy doesn't need something that is wrinkled,

red and leaky,

and smells like booze and narcotics.

They've already got former Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi.

I don't know who that is.

All rulings are final.

Okay, why are things that we like getting "Triangled"

and crap you like sneaks through? Like what?

That old 50-pound karaoke machine.

Come on!

We sang in the New Year in '02

on this thing, remember?

We were Destiny's Child!

And since I was Beyonce ,

I'm pretty sure I get final say here, so...

Oh, we were not your backup singers, bitch,

we were a group.

I'm sorry, are you guys married to Jay-Z,

or am I married to Jay-Z?

Italy.