Parks and Recreation

.

- So, gentlemen, you have evidence

that the Newport land should be preserved.

Absolutely.

You see, I'm a ninth level Octopriest

in the Church of the Reasonableists.

Oh, boy.

- The land is sacred in our religion.

Because it's the place where all human souls will be transmuted

when Zorpe the Lizard God passes through

Jupiter's sphincter.

- Hail, Zorpe. Both: Hail, Zorpe!

- I'm looking for anything to strengthen my case

that the Newport land should become a park,

and not a corporate campus.

Religious reasons, animal conservation,

historical significance.

Anything.

So hold on to your straws, everybody.

'cause Mama's going graspin'.

- In 1980, there were more than 600 million

Indiana brown ants in that forest.

Today, there are only 595 million.

At that rate, they'll all be gone by the year 2030.

60. - 200 and 3,060?

200,000 years from now? - Yes.

- That doesn't seem like an immediate crisis.

- I got a different idea for that land.

An amusement park with rides and food

and sexy cartoon characters.

I call it Disneyland. - How did you get in here?

Broke a window.

*

- Oh, hey, guys. Come on in.

You guys, I am Roscoe.

I am Vice President of Cool New Shizz here at Gryzzl.

Feel free in this meeting to break out your vapes

and just kick back.

Now, peep this.

Leslie Knope has been meeting with people

to try to sexy-up her presentation.

So we had this far-Out brain tornado.

Good idea.

- We should get a brity to come kick it with us small time,

and then just be like, "Hey, chumps.

Let's get tight with Gryzz."

We need a celebrity.

As a minority owner, it'll strengthen Gryzzl's bid.

- Is a celebrity necessary? I prefer quality over flash.

That's why I refuse to write my signature in cursive.

- Celebrities can help with this kind of thing.

The Nets wouldn't be in Brooklyn if it weren't for Jay-Z.

And the sales for Chick-fil-A went through the roof

once Elton John bought 'em.

Exactly.

Gryzzl is an outsider here in Pawnee,

so a local celebrity is gonna make everyone

feel more at ease with us.

And that's why we called on you home court chillers

to frack your braniums.

- Since we're locals, they want us to think of ideas.

- I got it in context. - Okay.

- I have no interest in consorting with celebrities.

The only celebrities I recognize are furniture maker

Garry Knox Bennett, designer of the notorious

16 Penny Nail Cabinet, and Magnus,

the five-by-five bull elk I saw near my cabin two years ago.

Took a shot at the bastard and he stuck his antlers

through the door of my meat shed.

One day, Magnus. I will wear you as a jacket.

- Have you thought about this. You could be an airline pilot.

- I don't like heights. - What about a submarine pilot?

- I don't like depths. - Mm.

I don't like anything, okay.

You're not gonna be able to find a career for me,

so just give up.

- No way, babe. We can do this.

Let's play a game. Okay?

You say a word, I say a word. We see if it makes a profession.

- Executive. - Trampoline.

- Computer. - Trampoline.

- Trampoline. - Pass.

Hey, Leslie?

I need both you and Ron to sign this city point of sale document

since the land you're gunning for lies within city limits.

Can we run over to Ron's office and take care of this?

- Well, I love it when you talk point of sale doc,

'cause you know it turns me on, but, no, no.

There's no way that I will be in the same room with Ron Swanson,

unless it is during a police lineup when I am pointing

him out as the man who betrayed me.

That's him, officer. Ronald Swanson.

Thank you, Leslie.

That's the fifth crime you've solved this month.

I'm not supposed to do this, but let me give you a badge

and a siren for your car.

- Could you please focus? It'll take two minutes.

And all signatures need to be notarized, and I really don't

want to have to schedule two different notary appointments.

- Uh, not to eavesdrop, but I have a crazy story.

I recently had a bit of a health scare,

just a couple weeks in the hospital.

- Oh, God. This story's terrible so far.

- Anyway, I became really motivated once I got out

to finally live life to the fullest.

So...I fulfilled one of my lifelong dreams.

And I became a notary public.

So if I go with you, Ron and Leslie

can sign the document separately.

- Yeah, see? Ben, it all works out.

I'll sign the documents here and then you can bring it to Ron

and he can sign it there, and then you can tell Ron

to rot in hell.

- How long are you two gonna go on like this?

You're acting like a little kid.

No, I'm not.

And infinity plus one year.

Andy? Bring me the next person.

- Perd Hapley. Crazy Ira and the Douche.

Tom Haverford?

That's nice, but I don't know if you can really consider me

a celebrity.

- Yeah, that's your handwriting.

- These are all great options, but I think we need

to go after Pawnee's biggest fish--

Annabel Porter from Bloosh.

- That horrifying lifestyle newsletter

filled with vegan recipes and pointless tchotchkes?

Forget it. That woman is my nightmare.

Um, she's a big deal, Ron.

Bloosh just won the Pulitzer Prize for Best Top Ten Listicle

two years in a row.

Hi, Leslie.

Bill Haggerty from the Pawnee Historical Society.

- Oh, yes, Bill. I remember you.

- I heard you were looking for information

on the Newport land, and I have some very exciting news for you.

It concerns William Henry Harrison.

- We claim William Henry Harrison as a hero

because he was the first governor

of the Indiana territories,

and then President of the United States.

We're also a little ashamed of him

because he didn't wear a coat at his inauguration,

caught a bad cold and died 32 days later.

He's an embarrassing footnote.

But he's our embarrassing footnote.

- I've recently self-Published a biography about Harrison

entitled, Barely A President.

William Henry Harrison's 32 Days In The White House."

I discovered that Harrison had

a heretofore unknown hunting lodge

on the very land you're trying to acquire.

- Um, spoilers much? Now I'll never read that book.

- If a U.S. President had a house on that land,

it could qualify for historic landmark status,

and we could really stick it to Ron's team.

Which would be icing on the cake,

not the reason why we're doing this.

Okay. Show me this incredible lodge.

Let's go.

- That book sounded so boring, I cried a little.

- Oh, babe. I'm sorry you had to hear that.

You're safe now.

Hey, Ron.

Sorry to bother you, but I need you to sign

this point of sale document.

And please sign it in cursive.

It raises a lot of red flags if you--

- No. - Okay.

So... what's Leslie up to?

- Well, I don't think I should discuss that,

given that you're in competition.

Need to remain neutral. - Fair enough.

Terry, what's Leslie up to?

- She is trying to find a historical to earmark

the land for preservation.

Terry, come on, man.

Leslie, you little sneak.

If Leslie's going for a hook, we should too.

Let's get Annabel Bloosh Person. - Yes!

Glad to see you finally come around

after these two minutes of insanity.

Now will you please consider investing

in that toddler cologne I've been bugging you about.

Toddler cologne.

Baby--tsst tsst-- you smell good.

Here we are.

- Here we are, like, "Here's the place where I buried the map

that will show us the way to William Henry Harrison's

awesome hunting cabin?"

- No, this is all that's left. - This place is awesome.

Hey, we should sell our dumb house and buy this one.

- Okay, you know, I love William Henry Harrison as much,

if not slightly more than the next guy, but this is garbage.

I mean, literally, there's a bag of old hamburgers over there.

- What? Ohh.

- We're running out of time and we need to beat Ron.

So...we're gonna have to use this old pile of bricks.

I need to gather everything I can on William Henry Harrison.