Welcome Matt

Yo, Matt.

It's crazy, man.

We're really making this happen.

Uh, this scene right here, I'm gonna need you to...

You guys, you know, you're talking on the beach,

you're chillin', you're vibin'.

Man, y'all realize this is our last year of college.

After this, we gotta get jobs, pay for student loans.

It never goes away.

Dude, we're on spring break right now.

We're in paradise,

and we should be having the time of our lives,

instead of listening to you talking some depressing

after-school bullshit.

You way too young to be having some midlife crisis.

I hear what you're saying, but the thing is, yo,

we're young and we're trying to have some fun.

So, see those hunnies back there?

Let's kinda go over that way and talk about this later?

All right?

And cut.

Woo!

- Aw, come on, Ced... - Matthew Hillard,

the next big thing out here makin' it happen!

We on the set of your first feature film, man,

Life's A Beach.

Talk to the people, all your future fans.

- What you want 'em to know? - Man, I don't know, man.

I'm just out here living my dreams, man, you know?

I want all y'all to do the same thing too, aight?

Live out your dreams.

Day 470.

Sometimes I, um,

feel like Tom Hanks in Cast Away,

or Matt Damon in The Martian,

or...

Chris in Into the Wild.

What was that guy's deal, man?

The wilderness is just not a safe place to be.

But I'm not in the wild, I'm just...

I'm just at my house, and it's... it's just crazy.

I could always just do this, right?

Okay.

Hey, everyone.

It's me, Matt, and I'm back.

I just... I just want to update everyone on the progress

of my new movie, Home Improvement.

Or Honey, I'm Home.

Or It's Good to Be Home.

I'm still... I'm still working on the title.

Uh, let's see, we got a few comments here.

IllJ says, "Matt, I support your creative spirit.

Keep up the good work."

IllJ, I'm on it.

Um, PrettyPink says,

"Matt, when will you go back to making real movies?"

Uh, hey, PP, I, um,

I am making a real movie, it's just from home.

Uh, yeah...

EverDark says,

"Fuck you, Matt, you're a phony."

Um... okay.

Uh, and HappyGuy says,

"Matt, you should kill yourself."

Don't think I will, but okay.

I think... I think we're, uh, we're good for today there.

Okay.

Okay.

Time to write.

Or not.

And I'm broke, I don't have a lot of money.

Like if I cheat on my girl now

and she decides to bust my car windows,

that's it, I don't have car windows.

I gotta put a trash bag on my car as a window.

Not even a clear one, like a white bag,

I gotta rip it off...

No!

We lost Bobby!

Damn it!

Okay.

Time to write.

Babe, I'm home.

Babe?

Hey there, you.

How was your day?

Uh, it was rough, honestly.

But you know what they say.

Hopefully tomorrow's better, right?

You maybe wanna talk about it, or...

Sure, why not?

So, I go into work and I punch into the clock,

and I have to deal with these idiot customers

who are like, "How does this look on me?

Does this make me look fat?"

And the answer is, "Yes, ma'am, it makes you look fat

because you are fat."

- Right. - And Brittany...

Oh my gosh, babe, Brittany

gets on my nerves so bad!

Literally, everything's just so happy all the time with her.

And then I go to my acting class,

we learn the same thing over and over and over again,

and then I go to my audition and it ends with, "Thanks,

we'll call you," and they never do.

And I'm just starving, so I'm just gonna throw on

some clothes and get some food.

Damn.

Yeah, that... that sounds really rough.

And a lot like a monologue.

But why... why you gotta go out though?

Right, why don't you just stay in with me?

We could, uh, order some takeout,

you know, could Netflix and chill.

Netflix and chill, that's all you ever do

is Netflix and chill, play videogames,

Netflix and chill some more,

and that's why you're getting fat.

I'm not getting fat!

What... we both know I have a high metabolism,

and I do CrossFit.

And you and I both know I don't just sit around all day

and watch TV and play videogames.

I'm working hard on my movie.

Samantha, come on, wait a minute!

- Look, look... - What, what is it?

Look, I just ordered your favorite shrimp linguini,

all right, we can watch whatever you wanna watch,

I'll even give you a foot rub.

- A foot rub does seem tempting. - Come on.

No, no, I gotta go, I have stuff to do.

But where are you rushing off to?

You've been gone all day.

To go hang out with friends, Matt,

something you don't know about 'cause you don't have any,

- do you? - I do.

You do, who?

Cedric's my friend.

Cedric, the guy who helped you produce your first film?

Okay, all right.

When's the last time you spoke with Cedric, Matt?

Uh...

Huh?

Exactly. Wanna know why?

Because he became a big Hollywood producer

while you became this little hermit thing.

And you know what, another thing,

I should've been in that dag-gone movie.

- Oh, here we go. - Yeah, here we go again.

We had just started dating.

I didn't even know you wanted to be an actress.

How could you not know?

I was a model, obviously I wanted to be an actress.

You know what, I'm not doing this with you.

- I gotta go. - Samantha! Can you at least...

What?

Can you please take out the trash

before you... before you go?

Come on!

What the fuck?

Matt, what are you doing with my phone?

Better question:

Why is this on here?

I don't remember a man that big.

- What? - Huh?

Are you being serious right now?

No! Babe, no!

This is a...

This is a joke.

Is this guy's dick the punchline?

'Cause I'm not laughing.

You know what?

You're right.

You're so right, you're so right.

It's just that this weirdo is, you know,

sending me pictures of his really huge dick,

and...

He just makes me feel violated, you know?

I feel violated right now.

Samantha, Samantha.

You seriously can't be trying to get me to sympathize for you