M*A*S*H

A highlight from the All‐American

Water Ski Tournament at Cypress Gardens, Florida.

Miss Charlene Zint teams

with Air Force Lieutenant Stu McDonald

in the mixed doubles event,

and they really put on a show.

Yes, it's a patriotic, aquatic,

ecstatic acrobatic.

The now familiar figure of General Nam'il

struts to the Korean truce talk tent

at Panmunjom

for still another secret meeting

in the long‐drawn armistice negotiations.

The U. N. Chief Delegate General Harrison

and his team are on hand.

"Marking the first anniversary of truce talks."

Can you believe this?

365 days, and all they can agree on

is the shape of the conference table.

Actually, the toughest thing in any relationship

is picking out the furniture.

They can't even set the agenda because they can't agree

that the first item on the agenda,

which they don't have, is to set the agenda.

Meanwhile, back at the war,

more and more kids get to be teenagers forever.

I'd say there was no point in letting this drive you crazy,

but I can see I'm too late.

Those idiots are fiddling while Korea burns.

That doesn't bother you, huh?

Sure, it bothers me. What can I do about it?

Well, you could get enraged.

Or even a little peeved.

From you, I'd settle for irked.

Or at least one good "oh, pshaw."

I save my "oh, pshaws" for things I can do something about.

Yeah, well, I'm going to do something about it.

Oh, yeah? Good.

Actually, I was getting tired of this war.

HAWKEYE (thinking): Dear Harry,

I know as president, you're busy stopping bucks and all,

so I'll be brief.

I am a doctor and Democrat,

loyal Democrat now living in Korea.

Or as I call it, hell.

I'd like to be home before winter when hell freezes over.

Hawkeye Pierce? Dr. H. Pierce?

Yeah, what is it, Klinger?

Our C. O.‐ness requests your presence

for a big powwow with Colonel Ditka.

Green tie is optional.

All right, all right. I'll be right over.

I'm sure you're aware

that peace talks are a year old

and we're all a year older.

I've given it a lot of thought,

and call me a crackpot,

but I think I've got a solution to this problem.

Stop the war.

Who's Colonel Ditka?

Colonel Ditka's look‐seein' us to make sure we get

all the medical, engineering and supply goodies

we need to make this war more comfy.

Well, that's very comforting to know the army's

supporting us in our efforts here.

We at H. Q. appreciate

the vital work you're doing and want to help.

If you need anything, just say the word, and it's yours.

What incredible timing.

Just yesterday, I ran out of Ava Gardner.

Okay, Colonel, the rainy season's up and coming.

When we're trying to get the wounded into pre‐op,

often we're slipping and sliding in the mud.

A wooden ramp would be a godsend.

An O. R. refrigerator that held more blood would be nice.

Smaller battles would be nicer.

Pierce, please. I'll tell you what we really need.

A higher capacity water heater.

Oh, yeah, that's right. You know, like for hospital linens, hot packs.

Not to mention sterilization.

I'd have to agree, that's top priority.

A water heater's just what this doctor orders.

This is the way to do business, hmm? All right.

I've got something on my mind.

What are you doing about beautification?

Beautification?

Yes. You see, you don't notice it

because you're here every day.

But to a visiting dignitary,

this place looks terrible.

Now, High Command wants these MASH units

spruced up a bit.

Colonel, we've got priorities here,

and yanking crabgrass

is way at the bottom of the list of chores.

Didn't you see our spread in Better Homes and Hovels?

The top brass wants us

to leave this country better than we found it.

Well, how about if we meet you halfway and just leave the country?

Colonel, you can't be serious.

A combative attitude just creates more problems.

You know, he's right. Why don't you tell that

to the guys up at the peace talks?

Make all the jokes you want.

But if you expect to get that heater,

you're gonna have to go on a neighborhood improvement program.

That's the way it is.

Well, I've gotta get to the 8228th.

Yeah, I hear that place is a real dump.

Think about my offer, Colonel. Hmm?

Boy, I've seen a lot

of looniness in this man's army.

Once had a C. O. who made us shine

the soles of our boots.

But this! This takes the cake!

Oh, I don't know. War may be ugly,

but it shouldn't be an eyesore.

With all due respect

to Pierce's sarcasm and your tantrums, sir,

might I point out that Colonel Ditka has offered us

the opportunity to acquire the water heater we need.

Damn it, that brush lip is talkin' blackmail.

Well, if beautifying this camp

is what it takes to save some more lives,

I don't see that we have a choice.

What really chafes my chaps is that you're right.

And seeing as you're so gung ho,

you can top‐kick our 4077th beatification program.

Count on me, sir. But I'll need a lot of support from everybody.

Don't worry about me, Margaret.

For the next week, I won't even talk dirty.

I got just the right‐hand man for you.

Needs to work off that secretarial spread. Klinger!

That must be me, sir.

Major Houlihan's starting up

a beautification detail.

I'm appointing you foreman. Think you can handle it?

Sure. We Klingers are born semi‐executives.

‐I'll be mean, but fair. ‐That's a good lad.

Would it be too presumptuous to ask why

we're attempting to beautify this sewer?

Simple. We need a water heater.

Of course, sir. What a foolish question.

Harry, you want to know what Korea looks like today?

Picture Swiss cheese with cities.

Believe me,

putting slipcovers on the landmines just won't help.

Tell you what, you end this fiasco now,

and I pledge to purchase all your daughter Margaret's inimitable recordings.

Don't bother to deliver them,

I'd love to pick them up on my way home.

Sincerely, Hawkeye Pierce, M. D. Medical Democrat.

Doctor.

You okay?

Doctor, you do good job to take out bullet.

Soon I go to fight again?

Not until I can shake this foot

and it doesn't sound like a maraca.

What's the hurry?

I have my duty. A Turk must kill many mens.

Oh, well, I knew there had to be a good reason.

‐How's yours? ‐Sick.

Another kid with a belly full of crankcase oil.

Uh‐huh.

It's getting to be the most popular drink in Korea.

One a day keeps the combat duty away.

Ah, this kid's seen plenty of combat.

Couple months ago, his unit took a hill,

suffered 30 percent casualties.

He got a medal.

Couple days later, they lost the hill,

suffered 40 percent casualties.

Another medal.

Tomorrow, they're gonna try and retake that hill.

So he decided he didn't want to play

Korean roulette anymore, huh?

The trouble is, he loses either way.

Now he thinks he's a coward.

Mr. T., I'd like to tell you about a hero

with a small problem.

He's damned if he doesn't, dead if he does.

Okay, put that dirt over here.

Get those rocks out over there.

Come on. Lift that shovel. Tote that hoe.

Talk about dumb. Spiffin' up a war.

I quit.

‐(all grumbling) ‐Hey, get back to work.

Who called a mutiny break?

We're through.

What are you gonna do about it, skyscraper nose?

What am I gonna do?

I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.

Major, they won't work.

Oh?

Is that so?

And next time I won't be so easy on ya.

Klinger, where's the shrubbery I told you to get?

Oh, I shopped that out to a vendor who's beating the bushes for bushes.

Well, speak of the bush beater.

Hey, Kim Han, that was quick.