Call the Midwife

'A sense of community is the Holy Grail of modern living.

'When we cannot find it in the present day,

'we reach back through the years and say,

' "That was when we knew each other.

' "That was when we held all things in common."

'It is a thought so tender and consoling,

'that it scarcely matters if it is not true.

'Past perfection is a wondrous thing.'

The Bible had a plague of locusts, we have a plague of pensioners!

Scarcely a crumb left in their wake,

and I'm sorry to say that I've just had my bottom pinched.

- I think that's Mr Pilbeam. The man on the right trestle table. - You too?

Twice. I asked Tom to give him

a hard, cold stare, but it didn't discourage him at all.

Afternoon, dear!

- Mrs Hills? How lovely to see you! - Hello, Nurse Franklin.

I heard this year's funds wouldn't stretch

to taking the old folk to the seaside,

so I thought I'd bring a bit of the seaside to them.

Oh, that's so kind! You must stay for a cup of tea!

I can't stop long. I've left my Diane looking after the stall.

There's no harm in taking the weight off your feet for five minutes.

Especially given your rather interesting condition.

This? Yes, number five.

It gets to be like shelling peas.

I seem to remember WE helped shell peas number two, three and four.

I hope we haven't done anything to offend.

I'm going to the clinic at St Cuthbert's.

They want me to have it in hospital, on account of my age.

Well, they're obviously taking very good care of you,

because you look extremely well. - I'm an old hand, Mrs Turner.

The autoclave is coming to the end of its cycle.

I shall replenish your instruments as soon as it concludes.

Thank you, Nurse Crane.

They said they'd come and repair the one at the surgery tomorrow.

Ooh, Doctor, whatever is this?

- Cornish pasty? - Or more precisely, half of one.

Would it have killed you to sit down for five minutes

and eat the whole thing?

Now, hop it, and put your feet up in the parlour

while I sort you out some instruments.

Mr Pilbeam's demanded a refill.

I think he might just find we keep him waiting.

- Shelagh, did you know Mrs Hills was expecting again? - Not till now.

I just wondered who referred her to St Cuthbert's?

Frightfully sorry. Creamless scone alert!

We've run out of cream again?

Certain guests have been taking more than their fair share.

I threatened to put one man over my knee, but it only encouraged him.

Timothy!

Please don't make me play any more.

You've done your bit, dear.

Now, run inside and open three more tins of Nestle's cream.

In the meantime, I popped into you-know-where last night

and the you-know-whats are ready for you-know-when!

I think you'd better take charge of this.

Dad?

Dad!

I was just waiting for the autoclave to finish.

You need a holiday.

Nobody ever NEEDS a holiday, Timothy.

Which isn't to say it wouldn't be a nice thing to have.

Tom, I think that was one of the best films I've ever seen.

No wonder we couldn't get tickets last week!

Whistle Down The Wind is a bit of a funny title, though.

Doesn't even hint at the Christian message.

Maybe that's a good thing.

I think we ought to go again - and take the Sunday school with us.

- See? I am nothing if not an incurable romantic. - SHE GIGGLES

That sounds splendid. On one condition.

What?

That you promise to bring the parish sweetie jar

and fill it with sherbet lollies.

Actually...

- Oh! - Purple and green.

My favourite!

I wanted to give it to you in the pictures,

but there were too many people looking.

Well... well, there's no-one looking now.

Help me!

SHE GASPS Help me, please!

It's all right, you're safe. You're safe now.

Fetch the police.

No! No! Please, not the police.

I'm sorry, Lizzie. It won't sting for long.

It's well sugared.

- Do you mind if I smoke? - Not at all.

Here.

It's all right, Lizzie. You're safe here.

- I should go. - I can walk you to the police station,

after Nurse Gilbert's tidied you up. - No.

I told you, I got enough to worry about,

without a conviction for soliciting.

I think you might be bruised, where your blouse is torn.

Would you let me have a look, and perhaps put some arnica on it?

He bit you?

Could've been worse.

The other girls say the johns get up to all kinds.

But I ain't been doing it long. Oh, I have to go.

- Lizzie... - I have to. I have to get back to my kids.

How awful. And we were only waiting up to see

if you'd help Delia with her bust-darts.

It's all hands on deck once I start tangling with bodices!

I'm a terrible seamstress.

There was nowhere she could turn to. No-one who would help her.

- Apart from you. - A few kind words and a bit of antiseptic.

There's nothing to stop you from reporting it to the police.

Perhaps you should.

Can't do any harm. Might make you feel better.

Hello, girls. How was your evening?

Well, we enjoyed the film. How was Art History?

Riveting! We're doing Vermeer, I can't resist a good interior.

I wondered if things had got a bit emotional.

Your mascara's run a bit.

Ooh, I sat upstairs on the bus. It got wretchedly smoky.

Is that Ovaltine?

- Mum, can I come in? - In a minute! I'm not decent!

Really need to go, Mum!

Lovely and fresh, make sure you fry 'em in some nice, clean lard!

Nice, clean pavement's what we want.

Can't be selling fish from a pitch

with spit and fag ends all underfoot.

- Mrs Hills! - Yes, dear?

Just a thank-you note for your contribution to the Pensioner's Tea!

Oh, you're welcome. I'll be a pensioner myself soon enough!

Should've told your Alf that, before he had his way with ya!

Don't work too hard, Mrs Hills!

You heard the nurse, Diane. You ought be doing the heavy stuff,

not leaving it all to your ma in her condition.

Well, Diane's better at all the adding and subtracting

than I'll ever be, Vera. Any idiot can do the donkey work.

A bite mark? I'm sorry you had to see that.

Oh, I'M perfectly all right!

But this woman - Lizzie - she looked as

if she'd been attacked by an animal.

There's things go on round here that you don't want to trouble your head with.

Sergeant, we've had working girls on our midwifery books,

and we see them in the doctor's when they have VD.

This was different.

She suffered as a consequence not of sex, but of violence.

We can't do anything unless she makes a formal complaint.

But she can't! Because she thinks SHE'S the criminal!

Well, legally, they're both in the wrong.

He beat her up, of course.

But if she was out soliciting, she could get a £60 fine or jail.

Even just for loitering on the pavement.

And if she's got children, like she said,

it's not going to end well for anyone.

It's not right, though, is it?

It's the law.

Ah, Sister. I wasn't sure if you'd been called out yet.

It's no doubt the calm before the storm,

but the phone hasn't rung once this morning.

I thought I'd get ahead with the chapel flowers.

And some for your office.

You have a knack for floristry, Sister. And a very sweet voice.

A sweet voice?

And in chapel, I can hardly hear you.

If we are to praise the Lord in song, we should do it gladly.

And as loudly as possible.

Oh... Sister Julienne. I'm always afraid of singing TOO loudly.

When I was a postulant, we were told never to draw attention to

ourselves in any way - because it was a sign of pride.

And now I've drawn attention to myself by...

Not singing loudly enough.

I always find that if I feel singled out for either praise or blame,

the best response is to offer it up and say,

"What good would this do for others?"

Of course, Sister.

And if you could raise your voice with us, it would make us feel

so very blessed.

Thank you.

Thought that nurse seemed nice this morning.

I just think we'd be better off getting one of them in.

Diane, we've discussed this.

You mean, YOU'VE discussed it... with yourself.

If you want an argument, Diane, turn round and look at me.

I don't want to turn round, and I don't want to look at ya.

Because if I do, I'll see you putting your hand on your back,

and rubbing your belly, and huffing and puffing when you bend over.

And I can't do ANY of those things!

Diane. You brought all this on yourself.

Running round with some lad from a building site, who legged it

without leaving his address.

- What's going to happen, Mum? - You know what's going to happen.

You're going to have it here, and I'm going to look after you.

And we're going to say that it's mine.

I mean, WHAT'S going to happen? How will it get out?

I'll take you through that when the time comes.

Which, please God, will be before your dad gets back from sea,

cos I don't fancy your chances at all.

Why don't you just send me up that mother and baby place,

like Janice Myers? - Because Janice Myers is shoddy goods for life.

And she's going to come back here empty-handed!

Listen, Diane, you are not the first, and you won't be the last.

I know three or four families where the baby's grown up

thinking its mother's its sister.

- Who? - Never you mind who!

Go and get your apron on before your brothers get in from Cubs.

All right. Only, watch out.