Two and a Half Men

Rose and Manfred...

She's really doing it.

Rose is getting married.

And we're clear.

Yep. That ought to do it.

Thanks, Freddie.

Who moves you, Rose, him or me?

I love Manny.

Fine.

You just say the word and I'll go.

Time's up.

Charlie, I am willing to let you get in

on the ground floor

of an amazing business opportunity.

How much is this going to cost me?

$5,000.

Okay, fine, I'll give you the five grand,

knowing full well that I'll never see it again and wishing that it was you.

How much?

I think I'll need...

$10,000.

All right.

Although I could make due... All right?!

How much are we talking about?

$15,000.

Hang on, I'll get my checkbook.

Tell you what-- let it ride.

Really?

Hey, a 20% return in a couple of weeks? Come on.

So listen, can anybody get in on this deal of yours?

You ask for money and they just give it to you!

And then you take the new money and use it

to pay back some of the old money,

but they don't want it back.

And they give you more.

'Cause they're greedy.

Oh, God, what have I done?!

* Men.

Hi. I'd like a Jumbo Jack and an apple turnover.

Do you want fries with that?

Sorry. I didn't realize there was anybody in there.

Um, bless me, Father, for I have sinned?

Are you asking me or telling me?

Telling you?

I-I'm sorry. I just not really sure of the rules.

When was your last confession?

Oh, wow, let's see...

uh, that would be... never?

Are you even Catholic?

No, but I'm a big fan.

The costumes, the music, crackers and wine.

That's the body and blood of our Savior.

I know! Mm-mm good!

You guys ever think

about putting that in supermarkets

like a Lunchable?

What can I do for you, my son?

Oh, right to it.

Okay, just to be clear,

what I tell you is between you and me.

And the Lord.

Sure, but I'm not worried

about him blabbing.

You I just met.

Couldn't pick you out of a lineup.

Whatever you say here is confidential.

And I just drank a huge Arnold Palmer,

so could you get to it?

Absolutely, absolutely.

Uh, uh, here it is.

Do you know what a Ponzi scheme is?

I do. Are you an investment banker?

No, I'm a chiropractor.

A chiropractic Ponzi scheme.

Okay, you piqued my interest.

Okay, long story short,

I chiseled my family out of a lot of money

that they're never going to see again.

And you're feeling guilty.

Bingo.

Hey, bingo-- that's your racket, right?

Yeah, that's us.

You've got to like a god

that's willing to put the hustle on old ladies.

Arnold Palmer's on the 18th hole.

Right, right, sorry, sorry.

So I was hoping that you could forgive me.

Are you prepared to make restitution

and confess what you've done to your family?

Oh, God no.

I was just hoping you could give me a few Hail Marys

and I could make a donation to the church's legal defense fund.

Win-win.

I'm afraid that's not how absolution works.

You have to make an act of contrition

and then do penance.

Do I get to keep the money?

No.

Huh.

Uh, you know what?

Um, I'm just going to mosey over to Temple Beth Shalom

and see what their deal is.

I'll get back to you.

Oy vey.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh

* Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh

* Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

* Men.

Wow.

Yeah.

That was incredible.

More than incredible--

it was transcendental.

This is where I was always meant to be, Rose--

right here in your arms.

I'm so glad to hear you say that, Charlie.

Now get out.

So soon?

Manny will be home any minute.

But I want to cuddle.

You want us to get caught?

This isn't fair.

The two of us sneaking around

so we can spend an hour together.

But what can I do?

I have a husband.

Let's go away for the weekend.

Just the two of us.

Where?

I don't care.

Someplace where we can walk down the street holding hands.

Where we can laugh together, play together,

yell at the top of our lungs and not care who hears us.

So, Disneyland?

I was thinking more in terms of someplace with liquor, but...

That's Manny's car.

I didn't hear anything.

It's a Prius.

Just think about it, okay?

A romantic weekend with nothing for us to do

but make love and be together.

And, you know, drink.

Yay.

After all these years,

I finally get a weekend with Charlie.

Did you hear that, hubby?

Up top.

* Men.

Think, damn it.

There's got to be a way to lose the guilt and keep the money.

There is.

Leave me alone.

You've made enough trouble for me already.

Oh, quit your bitchin'.

And for God's sake, stop washing your hands like Lady Macbeth.

I have to wash my hands. I just peed.

So?

So what if I don't wash

and then shake somebody's hand?

Screw 'em. They were probably picking their nose.

Now listen to me-- you've got to grow a pair.

I've got a pair.

You've got a pair of panties.

Hey, you can't talk to me like that.

And stay away from that darn priest.

I need somebody to talk to.

That's what I'm here for. Dad?

Hey, buddy.

Is there somebody in there with you?

Oh, no. Nobody but me. See?

Then who were you talking to?

Oh, I was just singing.

That wasn't singing.

Who are you, Simon Cowell?

What do you want?

I need to borrow 50 bucks.

Oh, oh, sure.

The reason I need it is, me and Eldridge

went to visit this friend of ours

who's in the hospital, but he forgot his book on the bus,

so I lent him mine, but wouldn't you know it, he lost that one, too.

So now I have to buy two math books

'cause he's broke, and there's this big math test coming up

and we were going to study together for it.

Oversold it, didn't I?

* Men.

What's funny?

Rose is at a dinner party with her husband

and she's sexting me from under the table.

Sexting?

It's like regular texting, but, you know, dirty.

You see, that's not a smiley face.

Charming.

Um, listen, I need to talk to you about something.

Yeah, sure. What's up?

Oh, you bad girl.