The Big Bang Theory

What are you drawing over there?

A hypothetical containment field

for a Frisbee-sized wormhole

that could serve as a portal to a parallel universe.

Oh, you silly doodlebug.

You know, a lot of scientists believe

that making contact with other life-forms

would probably not end well for us.

It's a Frisbee-sized wormhole, Leonard.

You can block it with a Frisbee.

Calm down.

Do you expect me to build this?

I expect you to wipe the pudding off your chin. Gentlemen.

Have you guys ever noticed that Sheldon

always disappears every day at 2:45?

Really?

He probably just goes to the bathroom.

Actually, no, he goes to the bathroom

at 8:00 a.m. with optional follow-ups

at 1:45 and 7:10 on high-fiber Fridays.

It's sad that you know that.

Oh, that's just the tip of the sadness iceberg.

I'm looking at his public calendar.

2:45 to 3:05, nothing.

Yesterday, 2:45 to 3:05, nothing.

Last week, nothing.

Last month, nothing.

He never has anything booked during that time.

20 minutes a day, completely unaccounted for.

We should figure out where he goes.

Ooh, this is exciting.

Like one of my classic

murder mystery dinner parties.

Right, the case of who murdered

three Saturday nights of my life?

Colonel Koothrapali in ten

with the olive spread.

It was tapenade and you guys suck.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

So, how was work today?

Well, I spent most of the afternoon growing

isotopically pure crystals for neutrino detection.

That sounds like fun.

Yeah, it was.

Oh, good, I guessed right.

Who you talking to?

Oh, just this guy I met at school.

Oh, great. We're still dating, right?

Relax. He's just a friend.

We're doing an oral report together.

He's really nice.

I'm sorry, what was that?

I had a little stroke after "oral."

Would you stop?

Look, he just moved here from London, okay?

He doesn't really know anybody.

Oh, good, an English accent,

the sexiest accent you can have.

No.

That's not true.

There's French, there's Italian.

No, you're right, it's the best.

Did you tell him you have a boyfriend?

It didn't come up.

Well, maybe you should tell him.

What am I supposed to say?

Say, "Can't talk right now.

"Hanging with my boyfriend.

England sucks, you suck, USA number one."

Fine.

"Hanging with my boyfriend.

Talk to you later."

Happy?

Yes. Thank you. Mm-hmm.

What did he say?

Nothing.

What?

"Did your boyfriend make you type that?"

I hate this guy.

Don't be like that.

Come on, trust me, he's hitting on you.

No, he's not. We're just friends.

Look, is this gonna be a problem?

Because he's supposed to come over tomorrow to work.

Really? Here?

If it makes you uncomfortable, I'll switch partners,

even though the thing's due next week

and everyone already has a partner

and I'll probably end up failing the class.

That'd be great. Thank you.

2:44, right on schedule.

Hey, Sheldon.

Oh, hello.

Raj and I are heading over

to the genetics lab to pet the glow-in-the-dark bunny.

Want to come with us? No, thank you.

Are you sure? They turn off the lights,

and it's like a cute little laser show

that poops all over the place.

I'm quite sure. Good day.

Well, where are you going?

Where are you going? We just told you.

I just told you. No, you didn't.

Well, it's your word against mine; see you in court.

Should we follow him?

I don't know, I'm torn.

I want to know where he's going,

but now I kind of want to play with the bunny.

Hi, guys.

Hey, Alex, do you know where your boss just went?

No.

Don't you know his schedule?

All I know is corduroy makes too much noise

and I have to go find "quieter pants."

Come on.

Boy, what I wouldn't give

to get her out of those pants...

and into something a little more stylish.

This is where he goes?

What's in there?

I think it's an old storage room.

What could he be doing in there every day for 20 minutes?

Well, he's not doing 20-minute abs,

because if he were, he would have way better abs.

Can you hear anything?

Not yet.

What are you doing?

I'm listening.

Can't you face the other way and listen?

I can't do anything right for you, can I?

What the hell is he up to?

He is kind of a weirdo.

Maybe he's got Leonard Nimoy chained up in there.

Or Bill Gates.

Or Stephen Hawking.

Why would he chain up Stephen Hawking?

Howard, please, you can't treat the man differently

just because he's disabled. That's not okay.

If you're wondering why

I've been staring through the peephole,

I'm trying to get a look at this guy

who's coming over to Penny's.

To be honest, I didn't know you were here.

It's not a big deal.

He's just in her history class.

They're working on a project together.

I don't even know why I care.

You know what, I don't care.

You think you don't care.

This is silly.

I have nothing to worry about.

Oh, I don't know.

Statistically speaking,

I'm sure you have something to worry about.

What do you mean?

Well, if we assume your looks are average,

right off the bat,

50% of men on Earth are more attractive than you.

That's 1.5 billion handsome lads standing by,

waiting to rain on your parade.

Well, yeah, but this isn't just about looks.

I'm way above average in a lot of other things.

Not height, vision, athleticism,

or ability to digest dairy products.

I'm talking about important things

like emotional maturity.

You were just spying on your girlfriend through a peephole.

I liked it better when you thought I wasn't here.

I'm not saying you don't have attractive qualities.

Your choice of friends is impeccable,

you're a good sleeper.

And last but not least,

you buy the grapes I like.

You're a real catch

compared to some snoring guy

with a fridge full of lousy grapes.

None of this matters.

I trust that Penny cares about me,

and nothing's gonna happen with this guy.

Well, unless of course he's a skilled hypnotist.

What?

While unlikely, it's still a statistical possibility.

She might be performing

sexual acts with him and not even know it.

Now you're just being ridiculous.

Am I?

The mind's a mysterious thing, Leonard.

He could be having the time of his life

while she thinks she's a chicken pecking for corn.

Look at us, sneaking around in the middle of the night

like a couple of cat burglars.

I think we're more like ninjas.

I don't want to be a ninja; I want to be a cat burglar.

Fine, I'll be a ninja, you be a cat burglar.

No, we both have to be the same thing.

Okay, we're ninjas.

Thank you.

But next time, we'll be cat burglars.

It's locked. Are you sure?

Yes, I'm sure.