M*A*S*H

Ahh!

Charles.

Hunnicutt, please. I'm listening to music.

So is all of Korea. If you don't like it,

you are not only free to leave, you are encouraged to do so.

Believe me, Charles, if it weren't for this ingrown toenail,

I'd be out of here at the speed of sound.

Now turn that garbage down! Garbage?

That garbage happens to be by Gustav Mahler,

one of the greatest composers ever.

Mail call! Please come in!

For you, Major. Careful, it says "fragile" on it.

Ah, my records! What records?

More Mahler. Ooh, I love Fats Mahler!

No, no. This is his brother, Gustav.

This is his masterpiece, "Kindertotenlieder."

Nah, that's not one of Fats's tunes, unless that title

is German for "Your Feets Too Big." No.

It's German for "Songs on the Death of Children."

Charles, you're not gonna play that now, are you?

Of course not.

There it is! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh, it's the record player I ordered! Ahh!

Finally! Oh, Klinger!

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Where are the records? I ordered records with this.

Do you like Fats Mahler singing about a kindergarten teacher?

I don't believe this. It says they're being sent separately in four to six weeks.

What good is a record player without any records?

I'm telling you something, if it's records you need,

Major Winchester just got some stacks of wax.

MAN (on P. A.): Attention, all personnel. Wounded in the compound.

You are hereby called to arms, broken, shattered and missing.

Well, here we go.

What's a kid from ICorps doing at the front?

The only wounds they're supposed to get are paper cuts.

Prep him fast. Better take this one P. D. Q., Margaret.

Corpsman, over here! Hey, how's a fella get any service around here?

Well, I'll be snookered. Woody Cooke, you old buzzard.

Sherman. You know I've been planning to pay you a surprise visit.

But this isn't exactly what I had in mind. What happened?

I tried to catch a piece of shrapnel in my leg. It didn't work.

Don't worry. I'll get my best leg man on it right away.

I believe you have the Epsom salts and water, straight up.

Just what the doctor ordered, Father. Thanks. Corpsman!

Well, I hope it helps. Though I must admit,

these aren't the types of soles I'm used to dealing with.

Hunnicutt, how is he?

He's just fine, Colonel. Believe me.

His leg's in a lot better shape than my foot.

Hard to figure. Woody's such a tough old coot,

I always thought a bullet would take one look at him

and hightail it in the other direction.

How long have you known him, Colonel? We go back to W.W.I.

Just a couple of raw kids when we met.

He turned out to be one of the best friends I ever had.

He also turned out to be lucky, which is more than I can say for his driver here.

How's he doin'? Hard to tell. Next few hours may be rough.

Why were they so close to the fireworks anyway?

The last time I heard from Woody,

he was grousing about being stuck behind a desk at ICorps.

I'm happy to report the joint is empty!

Good. I'm finished here.

If you fellas can get along without me,

I wanna be with Woody when he wakes up.

I got some 30 silk for you, Dr. Winchester.

I noticed you were running low.

I shall always cherish this moment.

Well, Charles, what are friends for?

Friends? If pressed, I would say that you and I coexist.

Now can we skip ahead to the inevitable small favor that you are going to ask?

Well, now that you mention it, I got this new record player,

and I don't have anything to play on it.

I do. And you still don't.

Here we go.

I saved the bullet for you, Zurilli.

You ought to make a charm bracelet. You lead a charmed life.

How about my men? Nothin' serious. You're all pretty lucky.

Yeah, I guess you could say that.

Hey, Doc, who's your C. O. around here? Colonel Potter.

He's right over there. You want him?

No, never mind. It'll keep.

Wouldn't it figure?

Thirtyfour years in combat without even a skinned knee,

and two months after they stick me

with that lousy ICorps desk job, I'm a casualty.

So what were you doing out from behind that desk?

I'm in charge of petroleum and oil and lubricants.

I had to go up and straighten out a fuel supply snafu.

That's a pretty hot area.

Why didn't you send somebody else?

Sherman, you know how this man's army is.

If you want something done right, you gotta do it yourself.

Congratulations, Corporal.

I can officially pronounce you a lifetime member of life.

I was really scared up there.

When the shooting started, all I wanted to do

was to get our jeep and get the hell out of there.

Colonel Cooke wouldn't let me.

What do you mean, he ordered you to stay there?

Well, not exactly.

Uh, before I had a chance to argue, we got hit.

Next thing I remember is waking up here.

Major,

should I keep Private Radatz on penicillin?

Well, he happens to be a patient of Dr. Winchester's.

You can ask him, but I'd be surprised if he were willing to even share an opinion.

Ooh! Ooh!

Oh! Oh, I'm so sorry! Is that your bad toe? Mmhmm.

Are you in terrible pain? No, no, Margaret.

I'm brushing up on an old Mill Valley rain dance.

Congratulations. You've just been awarded the Purple Toe.

From now on I'll look both ways before crossing postop.

That's how they won all those wars.

It'd be fine if the colonel's playmate would just stick to singing.

What do you mean?

I had a talk with Cooke's driver.

I got the impression that when the fighting broke out,

Cooke ordered him to stay where he was instead of running for cover.

Is that a fact? One of my patients told me

Cooke wandered into the area and started giving orders to their sergeant.

I'm gonna take a little tour of the rumor mill.

I'll go with ya.

Shouldn't you keep that toe off its feet for the next couple of days?

Yeah. It's not my feet I'm worried about. It's my ears.

I'm gonna be stuck here for two days with Winchester

and his dead children's glee club.

Well, if it'll make you feel any better,

wrap that bandage around your ears.

Uhhuh. Uhhuh.

(turntable spinning, needle scraping)

Hunnicutt, have you been listening to my records?

You've got to be kidding!

Obviously you left that on when we went to the O. R.

Oh, good heavens, this must have been running for over half a day.

I hope there's no damage.

This needle is completely worn down.

My last one! Take me weeks to get another one.

I can't begin to tell you how I feel about that.

Come in.

Am I disturbing you? Oh, evening, Pierce.

No, I was just tryin' to track down something for Woody,

a photo of the two of us at our old division's costume party.

We went as Roy Rogers and Dale Evans. Oh, here it is.

See? I was Roy. Woody had better legs.

Uhhuh. Yes, sir. Those were the days.

Maybe Woody's not ready to put those days in his scrapbook.

What are you getting at?

I had a talk with Woody's driver,

and he told me that he wanted to get out of that area

when the fighting started, but Woody ordered him to stay.

Then another kid told B. J. Woody wandered in

and ordered the company to defend a ridge.

That's how they all got wounded.

Tried to ask their platoon leader about it, but he wouldn't talk at all.

It seems that Woody caused a lot of trouble for a lot of people

in an area where he shouldn't have been in the first place. Is that so?

I know how hard this must be for you to hear

What do you know about anything?

All you've got is three flimsy stories based on a lot of hearsay.

Woody Cooke is a damn good soldier,

and I'm sure he had a damn good reason for what he did!

And it ain't to be judged by a bunch of wetbehindtheears brats

with chips on their shoulders.

And that goes for you too.

I'm just trying to That'll be all, Captain.

Would you at least let me I said good night, Pierce.

If I don't find a way to hear some music soon,

I'm gonna lose what is left of my mind.

Why don't you ask Margaret to let you play your records on her new record player?

I'd sooner share my toothbrush with a Democrat.

Maybe you could go over to the "O" Club, play 'em on the jukebox.

Nobody there this early.

That is tantamount to asking Michelangelo

to paint the ceiling of Woolworth's.

You know, maybe this is a blessing in disguise.

I'm stuck here in the Swamp. You're stuck without your music.

This is a perfect opportunity for us to get to know each other.

So tell me, Chuck, where'd you go to high school?

Mahler on a jukebox.

Hmm.

Koussevitzky will impale himself on his baton.

Hey, Goldman. Psst!

Come here a minute, will ya?

Can you do me a favor? Sure, Doc. What?

Take this. Throw yourself a little party in the "O" Club.

Invite all your friends. What's the catch?

Hey, no catch.

It's just a normal, generous offer from a fellow human being.

But, uh, if the subject comes up,

you don't know where you got the money.

Hey, gang, drinks on me!

Hey, Doc, what are you doin'?

Taking out the trash.