Black Comedy

Hey, what's the matter?

No, I don't. What?

Hey, look out.

Oh, Deadly Dave.

The Lord hath spoken unto me

and he hath given me ten commandments to give to his chosen people.

One - thou shalt have no other gods before...

Thou shalt honour thy mother and thy father.

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's house,

nor his wife.

What is it, Hezekiah?

Um... Like, those laws are great as far as commandments go... Yeah.

They're top notch, but we've got a few of our own.

Suggestions. Can I read 'em out?

Go ahead.

Thou shalt not go to thy brother's house on pay day to ask for a loan,

but if thou does, then thou must pay back on thine own pay day.

Yeah, you gotta pay it back, man.

Alright, but it's not written in stone.

What else have you got?

If thou is shouted by his brother at a tavern,

then thou must shout back on the very next round.

Deadly.

Well, that's more of an unwritten law, isn't it?

It is, but it's a pretty big one and we think it should be written.

Yeah, absolutely.

I guess. Yes. What else have you got?

Eatin' ain't cheatin'.

No, that's not going in.

You can look, but you can't touch. No way.

Why buy the cow, when you can get the milk free?

That's just a sayin'. How many more do you have?

120.

OK. I'm going to stop you there.

Don't be mad once you see that he want it,

'cause if you liked it, you shoulda put a ring on.

Shut up, Hezekiah.

Everything you own in a box to the left.

I said shut up, Hezekiah!

You got me lookin' so crazy right now.

Your love's got me lookin' so crazy right now.

These laws are the word of God, dickhead.

If I were a boy... ..even just for a day.

So, Ginnie, I hear your boy's gettin' married.

Surely is. To that Evans girl.

Oh, she seems nice.

She's a loose slut.

Oh, ah!

She's a real bossy bitch, that one.

My boy can't scratch his balls without that moll saying somethin'.

Why, what happened? Well...

The other day, I was getting my boy to take me to bingo

and he was fine to do that.

Just as we're gettin' ready to go

that bitch decides she wants to start having contractions.

What?! Selfish, eh?

Just when I want to spend time with my boy,

that bitch want to push out a kid.

That's terrible, what happened?

Well, she had that kid. You think she was quick about it?

Ah, nah, 18 hours she was there,

squeezing and grunting like a farm animal.

Not only did I miss bingo that night, I missed it the next mornin'.

Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk. Tsk, tsk.

Tsk, tsk. Tsk, tsk, tsk.

Tsk. Tsk, tsk.

Tsk, tsk. Tsk, tsk. Tsk, tsk. Tsk, tsk.

Tsk, tsk, tsk... Tsk, tsk, tsk...

Alright boys, we got some pretty strong intel.

One of our suspects is at home with his family.

We've been surveilling him for a number of weeks now,

this is our best chance to get him.

Alright. What's he done?

Well, he's committed a range of offences...

..starting from.

Sorry, Sarge, VK1. Go ahead. one, two.

We're on. Alright.

Everybody be safe.

Clear. Clear.

Clear. Clear.

What the (Bleep) are you doing in my house?! Aah!

Oh, shit! Go, go!

I got him, I got him!

Great job, Trev.

Get the (Bleep) off me. (Bleep)

Ma'am. Go back inside.

What are you doing to me (Bleep)?

..pushing me? (Bleep) You (Bleep)... Settle down, settle down!

What's all this about? We've ain't done nothing wrong.

We're law-abiding peoples. Calm down.

We've got reason to believe your husband's guilty of not acting black.

What?! How? He bought a Delta Goodrem album.

Is that true? Oh, (Bleep).

Was it her greatest hits? Was it?

It was the Child of the Universe, wasn't it?

Wasn't it?

Do you want to give back, but get a little something in return?

Do you like a bit of the mocha divine, dark chocolate, brown snake?

Here's a way to be politically active and find true love.

At Black Velvet we specialise in native romantic philanthropy.

We match you with your perfect Aborigine for fun and love.

Before joining Black Velvet, I was looking for love.

I needed to be fulfilled, if you know what I mean.

I'd always considered myself a supporter of Aboriginal rights,

I just didn't know any Aborigines to support.

Then I found an ad for Black Velvet on the back of a toilet stall.

It's really changed my life. You know, the matches were great.

I had some great dates, got to try a little bush tucker,

had some native nuts in my mouth.

I got to suck on a few long, thick witchetty grubs.

They were delicious.

And then I met Jandamarra.

We went and had a charge. I met his family.

They even gave me a tour of Mount Druitt

before I dropped them off at the shops.

I'm getting all his mail now.

People are even coming over to the house looking for him.

I can't wait their have latte-coloured babies.

I just hope they don't get their father's nose.

I really feel like I've done my part for reconciliation.

Black Velvet - we don't just want you to find love,

we want you to make a difference.

So, the black bitch likes the horses.

Dogs. Dogs.

'Ere, slut. What, slut?

You've been sleeping around with my man.

Who your man? I got biggest mob.

Mark Johnson, fuck ya.

Oh, Mark, yeah. He be come visit me last night.

Why? You been kissing him up?

You been tasting my hole? Tastes sweet, eh?

My hole must taste sweeter, 'cause he with me. Pfft!

Pfft! Anywhere, your hole is only good for the side, slut.

Your hole need that break in between so your muya can tighten up.

Anyway, can't even clean.

Can't even dance.

Well, what's this then, slut? Well, what's this then, slut?

What's this then, slut? What's this then, slut?

What's this then, slut? Well, what's this then, slut?

Well, what's this then, slut? Well, what's this then, slut?

..slut? ..this then, slut?

What's this then, slut? What's this then, slut?

What's this then, slut? ..this then, slut?

What's this then, slut? What's this then, slut?

..this then, slut? What's this then, slut?

What's this then, slut? What's this then, slut?

This is our chance to get him.

Shh... (Bleep) Get the (Bleep) off me.

What are you (Bleep) doing, man?

We've got reason to believe your husband's guilty of not acting black.

You've got matching PJs. Why are you wearing a white shirt underneath?

You've got slippers on. They're from Hermes.

Where? Hermes? What else has he done?

He's been ticking 'other' nationality on all his forms.

He hasn't been dropping his 'H's when he speaks for some time.

He's been buying organic groceries.

Oh! (Bleep).

And he hasn't had KFC in months.

Bullshit!

I bought KFC the other night. Did you see him eat it?

Well, I put away the thigh and the drumstick for him

and, yeah, I seen him eat it.

You saw him chew it. He didn't swallow it.

Is that true? Is it?!

Alright.

I chew it, but when you're not looking, I spit it out.

What the (Bleep) have you been eating?

Kale and eggs.

What the (Bleep) is kale?!

It's like cabbage. It's the latest trendy food on the street.

What's going to happen to him? We've got to pull his card.

Not my race card. ..position.

I'm going to lose my job. What will we feed our kids?

You should have thought about that before you bought a Prius.

A Prius?! Where the (Bleep) is the Commodore?

I sold it, babe. The Prius is better...

What?! It's better for the environment.

Get 'im out, Trev.

My kids don't have a father!

You've got your family, aunties and uncles and mum and dad.

tragedy.

Space, the final frontier.

Once again, the brave crew of the starship Henterprise

find themselves in trouble as they face a hostile alien race

who seek to assimilate them into their collective.

This is Captain Black Rogers of the starship Henterprise.

State your name and the reason you have us in your tractor beam.

We are the Xenophobians. You will become one with our race.

Opposition is ineffective. Prepare to be assimilated.

Assimilated. That sounds very familiar.

I believe it's a term they used in 2000s, sir.

When people still didn't know shit.

You'll become part of our consciousness and our culture

and be integrated into our way of thinking.

Now, why would we want to do that?

What do you mean, 'Why would you want to do that?'

Well, I can't speak for everybody, but I'm quite happy with myself.

Ain't no mofo changin' this little black duck. No complaints here.

I too believe I am fine in my current state, Captain.

This is irrelevant. Our way is better.