Pata Nahi Par Bolna Hai: A Comedy Special by Karunesh Talwar

Hello!

Thank you so much for clicking on a picture of my face

But, before we begin,

I’d like you to make sure that you’ve made a good decision

by choosing to watch this show.

And so, here is some consumer feedback,

in the form of comments, from my social media.

Okay firstly, I do not have multiple butts,

I just have one singular, solo butt.

It’s massive, but there isn’t more than one of it, I’ve counted.

Secondly, I’ve been to Haryana several times

and have never felt that my nether regions

were under any imminent threat.

Also, what kind of insult is cockpit?

This dickhead looks like he gave an alien a blowjob.

Now, what can I say?

He had to travel all the way here,

he was tired, he’s a guest,

he asked nicely,

I can’t just say no.

And to be honest, I didn’t want to say no.

His muscular, green body was calling out to me.

And when he caressed my chest hair with his nine-fingered hand,

*vulgar display of inter-galactic desire*

I lost control.

What to do?

Stand-up comedians receive such comments everyday.

But, the good thing is

not all feedback is negative.

Idiot, dickhead, motherfucker,

upload your next video already

Here’s the main thing – you’re an asshole. Amazing work.

Are you a dickhead? Good jokes.

Why would you cuss someone out while complimenting them

If these guys went to a restaurant and the server asked them,

“How’s the food?,”

they’ll be like, “You bastard, you scumbag, you scoundrel,

that is one heck of a daal (lentil soup)”

Like I said earlier, not all feedback is negative.

But, in my case, not all feedback is feedback.

Presenting, the greatest comment

I have ever, ever seen.

Every time I eat cocoa powder, I get a boner.

And on that touching note,

I hope you enjoy the show.

Hey guys!

Thank you for coming.

It’s great to be here!

Because I had nothing else to do.

I’m lazy, my parents tried to change me,

but they’re lazy.

My dad always told me one thing, and nothing else

Just that one thing. Always.

“Son, whatever you doing tomorrow, do it today.

And whatever you’re doing today, do it right now.”

“What about what I’m already doing right now?”

“That’s a valid point son.

I guess you’re going to have to do that tomorrow,

keeping the schedule in mind.”

“But tomorrow, I’ll be doing what I have to day after.

In order to follow your advice,

I would have to be born a day before my date of birth.”

Just imagine if I tried to follow this man’s advice?

Someone is in hospital they are getting discharged tomorrow,

I go there today and pull the plugs,

come on uncle,

time to go home!

Saint Kabir has spoken. Come on.

Someone tells me my uncle has died

the funeral is tomorrow.

Nope! That’s today.

Fuck today. That’s shit happens right now.

Where’s the corpse? I’ll burn him myself

I want kerosene and matchsticks,

there's no time!

I just don't understand why would you

take proverbs so seriously

There is a certain age in your life until which you admire your father,

you’re like, “What a guy!”

and then you’re like, “What’s wrong with this guy?”

At least cover your mouth while you burp.

Mom, I think you should download Tinder.

It’s about time.”

Even I have inherited his manners

I believe Indian uncles have done a lot of damage to the world.

I’m 27, in three years I’ll be 30,

I’m on the brink of becoming one of them.

And I don't want to become one of them.

I just don’t want to be standing outside my house one day

and my hand just goes here…

I just don’t want to be that guy.

Because they behave like this everywhere.

I was in Amsterdam a few years ago for some plant based research.

Clearly a lot of you also dabble in such activities.

I can see it on some of your faces.

So I was in Amsterdam, walking on the street,

an Indian uncle stops me because I look Indian because I am Indian

He says, “Son....

“Son, do you know where the red light district is?”

I’m like, “At least don’t call me son in THAT sentence you prick.”

He’s like, “Oh come on tell, you’ve gotta know!”

I said, “Oi, I don’t do all that shit.

I just want to get high.

That’s the first time I’ve used that sentence to defend myself.

Usually that’s something people accuse me of.

He says, “You smoke?” I said, “Yeah.”

He’s like, “Oh my God, that’s awful.

I’ll just ask a decent man where the brothel is.

Indian men have a lot of issues.

One of the main ones is that

until the age of 27-28

their mothers do everything for them.

And that too, because they’re contractually obligated.

he didn’t leave him outside a temple when he was a child,

she can’t now, people will recognize him,

so she deals with it.

She buys his clothes, she cooks his food, she washes his underwear.

He has no personality,

so his mother finds him a girl too.

He gets married to her and now SHE becomes his mom.

One person clapping there, one woman,

the rest of the room is just like, “Uh..what…”

Guys sitting here horrified.

“Don’t say all this bro please,

I don’t want to deal with a breakup over your special.”

The thing is,

the next joke will hurt even more.

What is any marriage in India?

Any marriage?

It’s a brilliant woman, with an idiot man

And again, I know why you guys are uncomfortable right now

because you’re like, “My dad too?”

“YES! YES YES YES YES YES!

EVERYBODY’S DAD.

IT’S NOT ENOUGH TO JUST BE DECENT,

BRING YOUR OWN WATER FROM THE KITCHEN

Behind the eyes of every middle aged Indian woman

Look at the pain in her eyes.

Behind the eyes of every middle aged Indian woman

there is a very dark secret

“Why have my parents forced this idiot upon me?

All I’ll ever do is keep buying low cholesterol cooking oil for him.

Don’t eat six pancakes you dick, you have children!

Have some shame”

and how these couples meet? How do these marriages happen?

Because of a very unfortunate tradition called arranged marriage.

Here’s what happens in India,

the boy goes to the girl’s house to see what she’s like.

Guys.

Guys go to the girls house.

Us.

Look at these smiling young men,

yellow teeth, plaid shirts,

been using the same bottle of deodorant for three years,

smells like petrol now.

They will go one day to some girl’s house

and they'll ask judgemental questions

“Are you a virgin?”

“Have you had any boyfriends?”

Girls don’t ever ask such questions for two reasons.

1) They have manners.

2) They know.

The other men in the world haven’t contracted Ebola,

so nobody’s having sex with you.

Now men aren’t asked any of these questions during arranged marriage.

They get asked just three questions.

Smoking, drinking, and income.

And those questions he doesn’t answer himself.

If he opens his mouth his teeth might get dirty.

So his mom answers. “My son!

He doesn’t smoke or drink (as far as I know)

and he makes a lot of money.”

These questions aren't enough.

There need to be more questions asked.

Girls should go and see what the guy is like,

“How many times has he showered over the past week?”

“Does he scratch his balls a hundred times a day for no reason?”

“How many women’s Other’s inboxes can he be found in?”

“Has he ever made a crying TikTok video?”

These questions need to be asked before getting married

You see these uncles everywhere,

I was at the airport recently, going to Jaipur.

I was in line for security check, waiting to get violated,

sandwiched between fourteen uncles.

A fifteenth showed up.

He had his own unique issues. They took his bag aside.

You guys all know that you’re not allowed

more than a 100 ml of liquids in your carry on baggage.

This guy was carrying half a half kilogram jar of honey.

I want to spend a day in this guy’s mind.

I want to see how his brain instructed his body to do this.

“Bro, buy a giant jar of honey and take it to the sky!”

Who knows, I could be asked for honey anywhere at anytime.

“Do you have honey?” Yeah, right here. In my back pocket.

The guard obviously stopped him.

He said sir you can’t carry this.

The guy had a mental breakdown.

That’s ridiculous. They change the rules every two months!

Ruined all my plans”

I’m like, “What plans?