Guest House

Jj

We can't afford any of these houses.

Look, daddy's gonna help with the downpayment.

He doesn't even like me.

Oh, he just doesn't know you well enough yet.

This is it?

- It can't be, this is like a palace. - I think this is the place.

This is it?

Well, there's edna's car.

- Okay, Mr. bad cop. - Mm-hmm.

- What's the plan? - Okay, we've seen... what?

- Six, seven houses already? - Eleven.

Eleven, right. Yeah, perfect. Okay.

We go in there stone-faced.

- Stone-faced. - We show zero emotion, okay?

No matter how much we love this place, we got to keep our poker faces, okay?

I'll be bad cop.

Hey, you two!

- Shut up and take our money. - I knew you'd like it.

Why don't you two follow me into the kitchen?

Poker face?

Oh, holy shit, this kitchen!

Wow.

I mean, I wanna learn how to make soufflés in this kitchen.

This coming from a man who can't even microwave hot dogs in my apartment?

You're goddamn right.

Impressed. So, what's the catch?

Jj

Holy shit, this backyard!

- Shut up and take our money. - Uh-huh.

It's one of the largest yards in the area,

great for barbecues and summer fun and debauchery.

Look at this pool. You know what that means?

- Aqua-aerobics. - Aqua-aerobics nude.

Does every one of your scenarios involve me being naked?

I mean, I don't know.

Uh... what's that noise?

- What? - That... like that loud...

It's like a...

- Throbbing. - I don't hear anything.

- Okay. - There's definitely like a...

Throbbing bass line.

It's pretty loud.

- Oh, that. - Yeah. Yes.

That's nothing. That's absolutely nothing.

There's just someone in the guest house.

- Oh. Okay, yeah. - Okay.

Are you guys here for the party?

Hell no.

Wait. Wait, wait. Come back, come back!

- I've seen enough. Thank you. - Thank you, that's great.

No, guys, wait. Wait, wait, wait. Trust me.

- No. No. - He'll be out of here in a month.

You could use it as rental property.

Twenty-four hour notice, edna.

Twenty-four hour notice. You know that shit.

I texted you, faxed you, dm'd you. I hit you up on MySpace!

Well, you know I don't check my social media platforms or my text messages

when I'm fucking on hallucinogenics.

Oh, but somehow you managed to respond with a dick pic.

Yeah, and you should be thanking me. That was my penis's good side.

Your penis looked depressed.

Well, here it is, guys.

This is it. This is the guest house.

Okay, it's a smaller version of the big house,

except for it smells like bongwater and k-y.

Okay, you seen's it, now take off.

- I think I'm gonna be sick. - Oh, go. Spatch, spatch!

Sarah!

It's not that bad!

Mm.

- Wanna smoke some weed, bro? - Oh, no, no, I'm good.

Thank you so much, but, uh, no.

I haven't smoked anything in a really long time, so...

- Ahem. Mm. - Yeah. Great. Okay.

You got so much cool, random stuff in here.

Yeah, well, I'm a collector of old artifacts.

- Oh, my god, you have a bomb! - Yeah.

- That's so cool. - That's cool.

But what about this right here? This is Tommy Lee's sex swing.

Right on. Great. Uh... cool.

All right, listen.

- Let's get down to brass tacks here. - Okay.

What is it, what's your name? Blake?

- Blake, yeah. - Blake, yeah, take a seat.

So, here's the deal, let me just ask you a question.

Are you guys really thinking about buying this place,

or you just passing through?

Think we're pretty serious about it.

We-we really... okay.

Really? Here, you want?

Yeah. No, no, no. That's not why I was looking at it.

It's Peruvian, just came in from El chapo.

Wow. It's still morning.

Yeah, it's pretty great.

Listen, um, if you buy the place...

If you buy it, right, I mean, I could stay in the guest house, right?

I'll pay rent and shit.

- We're good, right? Straight? - Uh...

Well, that sounds awesome, it really does,

but, you know, we're thinking, like, we buy the place...

No, I'm good. Thank you. It's...

Uh, we're thinking if we buy the place, we'd want access to all of it.

- Which would include the guest house. - Mm.

You... you understand.

Copy, copy, gotcha, gotcha.

- All right. - Well, this was awesome.

Uh, very nice to meet you, Mr...

Cockfield. Randy cockfield.

Bye-bye.

Bye, thank you.

- Bye. - Mm...

- Are you freaking kidding me? - I know.

But we have to give him time to move out.

I know, edna told me.

I just don't feel comfortable allowing some weirdo

to live in our guest house for three months.

Do you think we could get him out quicker?

I don't know. I mean, he's, like, an entrepreneur collector guy.

You know, you saw all of his stuff.

What kind of entrepreneur lives in someone's guest house?

A frugal one? I don't know, I mean,

I didn't sit down and talk with him about all of his finances and everything.

Look, I know that this is weird, I do.

- You think? - But aren't you tired?

I'm so tired. I just wanna...

I wanna just lay down. I wanna be home.

And just say, "we live here now, we're not going anywhere."

I do love that yard.

And the... what about the gazebo?

Promise me he'll be out soon. That guy gives off weird vibes.

I pinky-promise.

- I'm serious, babe. - I-I'm serious. I promise.

As soon as we get settled in here, I will march right out there,

and I'll say, "you gotta get out of here in three months."

He's gonna end up...

A week. We can get him out of there in a week.

- We're doing it. - We are.

- We are doing this. - Yeah. This is us. We're doing this.

Jj

- I mean... - Oh...

I love this photo.

Well, take a look at this.

- Later, brah. - Later... brah.

Oh, yeah.

- Dude, what the fuck?! - Give it to me.

Look, if you guys are gonna have sex, can you at least close the door?

Yeah!

- Come join us, Blake. - No.

Look, we need to set a time for you to move out.

- Blake! Blake, get in here! - Uh...

- Yeah? - Someone's been in our kitchen.

What?

Cupboards are empty, groceries are gone. Even the gluten-free cookies are gone.

Like, seriously, who the fuck eats those?

Randy, obviously. The fucking moron.

Jj

Mm.

You moved a lot of boxes today.

Yeah, I really did, didn't I?

It was crazy.

So, I thought that you deserved to be rewarded,

- and tonight... - Oh...

I thought we could do anything that you wanted.

- Hmm... - Hm?

You know, this is a judgment-free zone, right?

Yeah.

Remember the other day when you were, uh...

Talking to me like a dude?

Mm-hmm.

I kind of, uh... something about it, 'cause it's...

You're acting like dude, but it's you, but it's you doing that voice...

I gotcha.

- What? Mm-hmm. - Wha.

What, you hard of hearing there, chief? I said fuck me, brah.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, that really works for me.

- Oh, fuck me, bro! - Oh, my god!

What the fuck?

Um... sorry.

Looks like he's just doing ayahuasca.

Ayahuasca? What-what the hell is that?

It's where you, like, drink a tea from a root,

and you get all sick and have a spiritual experience.

You'll be all right, my brother, just let it out.

You're trying to get all the negativity out.

Let's not let this get in the way.

- Yeah, bro. - Yeah, brosef?

- Dude, what the fuck? - Oh, my god.

- No. Wait, wait, wait... - Dude, I can't. Dude!

Wait, wait, wait. I'll really work. Hold on...

- Come on. - He's, like, dying out there.

- Well, it's... part of the experience. - I can't.

- Get all the negative energy out. - Don't just...

All the negativity out.

Fuckin' Randy.

Jj

Oh, god.

Wake up!

Why... why am I being attacked?

Fuck! Oh, shit!