Man with a Plan

That's so weird.

I left a fun-size Baby Ruth on the kitchen island

and now it's gone.

Huh. Well...

maybe one of the kids took it.

Yeah, that's what I would've thought except

I saw you take it.

You didn't let me finish.

I was gonna say"maybe one of the kids took it"

is one theory that would later be proven false.

You know, if you keep telling little lies,

I won't believe you when you tell the truth.

Why does that sound so familiar?

Wait a minute,that's the same speech

you gave to Teddy last night.

Yes, it's The Boy Who Cried Wolf.

Oh.So, I'm the sexy wolf.

- No. - Hmm?

You're the boy who gets eaten

because the villagers don't believe him

when the wolf shows up.

Oh, come on,it was a candy bar.

If it was something important,people would believe me.

I have a face you believe.

That's why I lie so good.

You know, I told Teddy that story

because he tells fibs, too.

And it just, it made me think that

maybe we're not setting the best example.

And when I say "we," I mean you.

Well, now I feel bad.

And when I say "I,"I mean you made me feel bad.

Okay, fine.I promise.

Thank you.

Except for any little fibs I'm currently in the middle of,

those are grandfathered in.

No, they're not.

Oh.

Well, in that case, um...

Teddy quit soccer a month ago.

We've just been going to Froyo.

If your mother asks, I was with you all night.

What? What's going on?

Nope.

Not happening.

You are not going to school wearing those.

Why not?

Because we came to this country as Pilgrims

and ever since then,it's been one long striptease

and it stops now.

Dad?

Adam, where's your father?

I-I woke up to a message saying he was here

and ended up staying over. What happened?

That is a great question.

You don't know. I know.

But I haven't told you.

That's what we're all waiting for, right?

Oh, there's my girl.

Are-are you okay?

Yeah, I-I just got a little sick last night.

- From what? - Andi's lasagna.

Oh. How many times do I have to tell you?

Eat before you come over here.

Okay. Well, thanks for letting him stay.

Yeah, no problem.

It's like he was never even here.

Still no.

This stuff with your dad sounds pretty shady.

Yeah.

What's with the clogs,Lowell?

Did you lose a bet?

No, I won great arch support.

You know, I hate to say it,

but this reminds me of when my ex was cheating on me.

Except with less of me screaming "why" into a pillow.

My dad is not having an affair, Lowell.

He's 80 years old.

With all the pills they have these days,

old age is an endless sex party.

And they're into some kinky stuff.

That's why they have handles in the showers.

You need to stay off the Internet.

I'm getting to the bottom of this.

What?

Is that how you answer your phone?

Is that how you talk to the guy who's about to hang up on you?

What was going on this morning?

Here's some Joe for my Joe.

Thank you, sweetheart.

I can't talk.

Meet me at Mick's for lunch.

That's weird.

He didn't want to say anything in front of my mom.

Hmm. What secret would he want to keep from his wife?

Not everything's an affair, Lowell.

Well, I hope you're right.

But I bet your new mom will agree with me.

- All right. - Lowell.

I think you accidentally bought some women's shoes.

Dad, will you just tell me what's going on?

Not in front of the dame.

Okay. But just so you know, in ancient Holland,

these were worn by kings.

All right.

I had my physical and I need a pacemaker.

What?

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Just a small heart flutter.

- Heart flutter? - Mm. And last night,

I had to stay at the hospital for some pre-op tests.

So that's where you were.

But I don't get it,why are you keeping it from Mom?

Well, she worries too much.

I'll tell her after it's done.

I just,I hate to see my bride upset.

You do?

When did that start?

I need you to drive me

to the hospital tomorrow for the procedure

and then pick me up the next day.

Of course, of course.

But I'm not gonna leave you there by yourself.

I'll just tell Andi I'm staying the night with you.

I don't want you to be alone.

No, no, you can't tell Andi.

- Why not? - Well, it's too risky.

She'll tell your mom.

But I'm in the middle of a whole thing with Andi about lying.

She's come out strongly against it.

I can't do it, Dad. I'm sorry.

All right.

I'll ask your brother.

Don probably loves me.

Why do you always have to go nuclear?

Because it works.

So, I can't lie to Andi,

but I have to lie to Andi.

It's okay to bend the truth with your wife now and again.

That's what I think.

Marriage is a marathon, and the lies are the bananas

they give you every couple of miles.

Without them, you'd never make it to the finish line.

I just came very close to hugging you.

All right, I'll do it.

Because it's you and me, together, without Don,

doing stuff without Don.

- Good boy. - But, hey, hey...

Andi can't know. All right? So we need to come up with

a good story to explain why I'm gone all night.

Don't worry about it.

I've got a guy.

Marcy is your guy?

She came up with that dynamite lasagna story.

It's well-known that Andi makes a weak lasagna.

The best lies are perfectly seasoned with the truth.

My guy's good.

Marcy's Andi's best friend.

She's gonna tell her everything.

No. Normally, I'm on team Andi,but this is for Joe.

The man who protects me from my greatest enemy...

his lovely wife, Bev.

If he hadn't convinced her that I was right for Don,

I'd still be single and picking up random...

you know what, that's in the past.

The point is...

I won't tell Andi.

You and Dad are friends?

How long has this unholy alliance been going on?

We have been secretly running this family for decades.

It's a shadow government.

So... you both need an excuse

to be out of the house tomorrow night.

I saw something that might help

while I was cutting up Don's newspaper.

Every day I do that to keep him from being tempted by bad ideas.

Wow.

It's like North Korea over here.

Oh, like this.

"Free owl to a good home." No.

I won't sit across the dinner table from Don and his owl.

Oh, here we are.

"Fishing store grand opening."

Ooh...

That's not bad.

But it's not just what you say,it's how you say it.

The... the reason you get caught a lot is because

your lies are obvious and lack finesse.

I got this.

Finesse is my middle name.

And my shampoo.

- You ready? - Don't worry, I got a plan.

I'm gonna pretend to be nervousand get caught lying

so that Andi'll believe the real lie.

See, most people when they get caught, they admit the truth...

Just do it,I've got a heart flutter.

- Hi, guys. - Hey, Andi!

I mean, hey... Andrew.

What's going on?