Moone Boy

'And the weather forecast today is basically... rain.

'Lovely stuff, Wendy! And here's a man who has a lovely day every day.

'It's David Bowie.'

Yes, you all smell. The washing machine is broken.

So we're a big stinky family, OK?

Thank God. Thought it was just me.

I like that we all have the same dank odour.

Like a group of otters. Otters?

Just looking for the positives.

A dessert storm?! Yes, please!

That's some tasty-sounding weather. Why can't I live in Iraq, Mam?

Nobody's stopping you.

I bet this whole Iraq thing blows over within the month.

He's got such good instincts on war.

Did you finish that new sign, love?

Yeah, the lettering's drying outside in the garden.

Aliens in Boyle! Yes, please!

This is the best newspaper ever.

Crop circles, my hole.

That's just this radio fella infiltrating everybody's minds.

I bet it was UFOs that broke the washing machine.

Or it could be limescale.

Liam, before I forget, the nursing home called.

We're behind on payments for Grandad.

Ah, yeah. I'll wire over some funds from my Swiss bank account.

It's grand. The money for the new sign will be in by Friday.

Is the new sign the one that Martin's donkey is licking outside?

Ah, for feck's sake!

Right, I'm off to Iraq.

I'll just stay here and chat.

And then we have Pluto over here. A lovely big planet.

Which obviously will always be a planet.

Hey, Padraic. Have you heard about this crop circle stuff?

Have I? I don't know. That's why I asked.

Yes, I have.

And I haven't been this excited since I enlisted

to fight in Dessert Storm!

..the vast cosmic jacks that is the sun.

Hey! Wanna go to the magic field tonight

and see if the aliens come back?

Do I? I don't know. Do you?

Yes, I do.

Is your washing machine broken too? Moone, wheesht.

Hello?

What? I can't... Your voice is so fast and high-pitched.

'Your donkey's in the bank.'

I don't know what happened. I'm really sorry about the mess.

Speaking of messes, I was having a look at your accounts there.

It's been a slow year, Kevin.

Not to worry, Liam - at least one member of the Moones

is still making deposits!

Ha, yes. Even if it's from his arse.

Yes, got that, Kevin.

C'mon, Donkey Kong. C'mon.

'Password?'

One, one, one... one, one.

'It's six digits, Gerry.'

One?

If it's a secret meeting, we should take the sign down, shouldn't we?

Bonner. Glad you could make it.

Sorry I'm late. I made the mistake of asking my boys to wash my car.

Why did that make you late?

They filled up my petrol tank with Fairy Liquid, to spite me.

I take it you've seen the paper? I have.

It's a PR disaster, Gerry.

This whole UFO nonsense is drowning out Boyle's clear tourism message.

I still think that's still too pushy.

Tourists are not going to come here if the place is littered with UFOs.

They want to go fishin', or walkin', or even prayin'.

They don't wanna be feckin' abducted. MURMURS

Well, the murmurs of approval seem to be with you, Mayor.

And it's sacrilegious. There's no mention of Martians in the bible.

It's Adam and Eve, not Adam and ET.

You're right there.

This Doctor Gnot has the whole town driven crazy

with his silly little radio show. But what can we do to stop him?

Gerry, we are the most powerful men in Boyle.

And just outside of Boyle.

We can do whatever the feckin' hell we like.

I mean... what specifically?

Let's shoot him dead.

Sorry, Frank, I didn't see ya there.

I was in the bog. Who are we talking about?

'Welcome back, fellow earthlings,

'to Believe It Or Not with Dr Steven Gnot.

'Tonight we've asked... are we alone?'

Is this tiny planet of ours dancing solo in the giant disco of space?

I doubt it. And so does De Burgh!

Oh, I can't wait to see an alien in the flesh.

Or whatever it is they have.

Wheee!

Argh! My eye! My precious sideways-opening eye!

Here, take one of mine. I poo eyes!

Where are these bloody aliens? We've been here nearly ten minutes!

It's time to break out the big guns.

This should do the trick.

It won't come to that, Liam.

If they don't get his rent, the nursing home will send Dad back

to his own house, where he'll discover

baby Rose has taken his room.

And you know how he feels about babies. He calls them flesh devils.

So they'll move back to the house, and I'll have to hide out here

staring at my bloody idle hands.

Yeah, if only there was something useful you could do with your hands.

It's just hard to look professional

when you're pulling an animal out of a bank.

Na, na, na, na, na.

Na, na, na, na, na.

That tune is pretty effective. We come in peace.

Unless you're violent, in which case we leave in haste.

No fear needed, oh, fellow holders of inquisitive minds.

You sound like that radio fella.

Your ears are as sharp as your hat, my tin-foiled friend.

We're looking for aliens. I fear we are a night too late.

Grand, think I'll head home, so. Yeah, my toes are catching a chill.

Be not discouraged, my intrepid young imagineers.

Though tonight we have not been graced by the presence

of our galactic neighbours, we are on the cusp

of a celestial street party,

the likes of which can only be imagined...

Oh, they've gone!

Oh, they've been taken up!

Steven, you always bloody miss it!

Na, na, na, na, na.

Oh, there they are. Stop being so hard on yourself, Steven.

Oh, I left the bloody car lights on!

Good morning, Earth woman. Good morning, Moone... boy.

That's a pretty cool... Hey, where's Donkey Kong?

Has he escaped again?

But I tied him up really well.

Argh!

Bloody hell, Martin. He's always escaping!

Argh!

Frustrating... is what it is.

Have you seen my donkey, Mister?

He answers to the name of Donkey Kong.

Or any name, if you shout it at him loud enough.

Nah, I haven't seen him.

I could do ya a deal on a blind and deaf goat?

No, thanks. Your loss.

Whoa! How good a deal?

I just can't believe he'd run away. He was so happy here.

He seemed so excited about our future together.

Unless... You didn't get rid of him, did you, Dad?

What? No! Of course not.

I know how much you love Donkey Kong.

He's my best friend in the whole world.

Ouch. Ouch.

You swear? You swear on your grave?

I don't have a grave, Martin. Swear on Sinead's life then.

Why do you always get him to swear on MY life?

Last in, first out.

Look, I know it's hard, Martin, but sometimes things just... vanish.

What?!

Grown donkeys don't just vanish. I smell a rat.

We all smell rats. It's just the otter odour!

This is me watching you. With my fingers.

Stop looking at me like that.

Now they're pointing over there. Oh, kettle!

'So you've been hit by lightning 17 times?

'Remarkable. You're like a human lightning rod.

'And it's especially odd, because my name IS Rod.

'Rod, this is too mysterious.

'Tell me, what do you do for a living?

'I fix TV aerials. On mountain tops. No clues there.

'More mysteries when we return...'

It's such a shame these unusual events are in no way related.

It's all connected.

Yes! By those red lines you've just drawn.

Open my flippin' guts!

I know where he is! Really?

My donkey was abducted by aliens.

How are ye, Liam?

Gerry-atric! How's it hangin'?

Long and limp, Liam.

But listen, I'm actually here on a bit of business.

The town council are in talks to get new street signs done this year.

Aw, that's great news, Ger.

Ah, yeah, it'll be a real sign blitz.

I could use the money, to be honest.

Well, here's the thing, Liam.

It's looking like we may have to go with... Chinese imports. No!

Don't, Liam, don't. My heart is already broke with the guilt.

But the quality is so poor, Ger.

You know Drum Shambo tried them

and the signs turned up written in Chinese.

Oh, I love that song.

Well, we've crunched the numbers, you see, Liam,

and your prices are a little on the steep side.

It would actually be cheaper to get the whole town

to learn a little Mandarin. What?

But fret not, Liam, there may be a solution. Anything, Ger.

I hear your donkey has been abducted by aliens. Jesus!

The town council are a little worried tourists might be put off

if they think that Boyle has been infested with UFOs.

Well, that makes sense.

They're an odd bunch, Liam, they're an odd bunch.