Louie

- Ow. - Sorry.

- Daddy, can I ask you something? - We finish brushing first.

Daddy! But I really wanna ask you something.

Okay, what do you want to ask me?

When are we gonna go to mom's again?

Okay. Tomorrow I take you to school. And then mom picks you up.

And then you're with her for a few days, and then you come back here.

Well, okay.

I like mommy's better.

I like mommy's better because she makes good food.

And I love her more so I like being there more.

Okay. Alright, baby.

I like being here too.

It's just... mom's better.

Okay.

Let's rinse and spit, alright?

Go on! Alright, go get on your PJs!

Okay baby!

So, I've got 2 kids, 5 and 9.

And I... I love it. I love having kids but it's hard.

It can be very difficult.

One thing that's difficult is that they are very different ages.

Very different developmental stages.

And, uh, I have them to myself when I have them.

My ex-wife and I split custody. I'm with them half the week

I have to find things that the 3 of us can do together.

Now, my 9 year old can do a lot.

She got a lot of skills, a lot of things she can do.

The 5 year old's not much good at anything really.

And it's not to put her, she's five

but she's shitty at pretty much everything.

We can't do things that outclass her abilities.

So we just have to be all dragged down to her shitty skill level.

We're like three 5-year-olds of different sizes, basically.

Because nothing. Let's go for a bike riding at the river.

"I'm not very confident on my bicycle". Okay, let's just sit...

And play the card game, where no one loses.

We went swimming one time. The three of us. That was a nightmare

because we're in this pool. There was a deep and a shallow end.

The older one is in the deep end, the 9-year-old she's having...

...a ball. But she's lonely. Who wants to swim by themselves?

She's in the deep, doing flipper tricks, and she's like "Daddy, swim with me"!

I can't!

Cause I'm in the shower with the little one, who's clinging to my leg.

In fear. "Don't put me in the water!" I'm like...

It's not... it's this... it's to your tits at the highest.

Just stand there. It's fine.

No, I'm gonna drown, there's sharks!

Why would I lie to you?

Really? I would put you in and "Haha, you're drowning!"

"I tricked you to death"?

Really, I'm gonna do that?

If I wanted to kill you, I'd wait 'till you're asleep

and go like this for 4 minutes. And then it's over.

Okay? That's how easy it would be to kill you.

You should thank me every morning you wake up alive.

That's how easy it would be to kill you.

I know how to look after you!

I'm good at it! You're not dead yet!

Lily, do your homework.

Stop reading and do your homework, please.

Goddamn I hate being ignored. I really do. I really hate it.

Please. Homework. Do it, please.

- Sorry, daddy. - It's okay, thank you very much.

- Here you go. - Thank you, daddy.

You're welcome.

Can I have a mango pop?

No, there's only one.

That's not fair.

- It's not fair, daddy. - What?

Lily got a mango pop and I didn't get one.

Yup.

Well, that's not fair.

I don't know even know what that means.

- Why does she get one, and not me? - Cause she's a separate person from you.

You're never gonna get the same things as other people. It's never gonna be equal.

It's not gonna happen every of your life so, you must learn that now, okay?

Well then I get something else yummy

- I get something else. - What do you mean you get?

- I get something else yummy. - No, nobody.

Okay, nobody gets anything.

She got something. She got a mango pop.

Yep. That's... That's... Right now she's lucky.

And you're not particularly lucky.

Maybe later you'll be lucky.

- Maybe... - But it's so not fair!

You only should be concerned with what somebody else--

It's not fair!

I'm telling you something right now. You should only ever be concerned

- with... - You are not fair.

The only time you look in your neighbors bowl

is to make sure that they have enough.

You don't look at your neighbour's bowl to see if they have..

..it's to make sure you have

as much as them. You want to just make sure that they are...

- Can I please have some calcium chocolate? - Yes, you can have a calcium chocolate.

Make sure your sister gets one too.

- Thank you, daddy. - Yeah, you're welcome.

Oh my God!

- Oh holy sh... - Let me give you a hug, little brother.

God!

- Where are those little pieces of shit? - Girls!

- Hello! - Girls!

- It's your aunt Gretchen. - Oh... my... God.

- Yay. - Oh my God!

Oh, I want to kill you both, I hate you so much.

- What are you doing here? - Oh, I'm not staying,

- I'm just in town to get procedure tomorrow. - No, no, you're staying.

- Dude, I'm fine. - Shut up yourself.

- You're staying. - I just wanted to surprise you.

Come on, get in.

Get inside.

- They're sleeping now. - Huh. Wow.

It's 8 o'clock. You're amazing. And good dinner too.

You're really doing the dad thing for real.

Yeah, well...

Seriously, Louie. Some of didn't know if you were gonna show up for this.

- I know. Me too. - But you're really doing it.

No, you're not a bullshit Sunday dad, like some people we know.

You're raising your girls.

Well, I get a lot out of it too.

I love having 'em here, they keep me company.

- Yeah. - You know it's not boring, I mean...

Alright, there are times when I wish that... they weren't alive.

Yeah.

It gets hard though. It can be hard.

Well, no shit. And they need it. They need their dad.

Especially when they're mom is such a piece of shit.

- Please, don't. - She sucks shit out of a sprinkler.

Listen, I gotta be at peace with her, you know?

I mean her folks probably say the same shit about me.

I'm sure they do. And F them, and F her.

I know you don't go there but I get to say what I want.

I had to go to that stupid wedding of yours and pretend. Not anymore.

- Please stop. - Yeah, but kinda keep going, right?

I know. She's your kid's mom.

And you made her that and when you made that choice.

You had to live with that but I didn't.

So, I get to say that pasty,

big tittied, black-eyed Guinea bitch can suck my dick.

Oh, wow, daddy, that's harsh.

Okay.

- When are you due? - 2 months.

- Maybe. - Maybe?

Well, since I lost the last one I don't believe anything they say.

- And so... - So, who's the dad?

- It's an interesting question. - Who cares?

- Okay. - No, there is no dad.

There's no dad?

Donor number 647.

- Ah, okay. - And uhm...

Carlos and I aren't together anymore.

And after we lost the last one...

I am sorry.

Shit.

When we lost the last one...

We just went through too much.

You know it got ugly. And...

He left and...

I looked in my life and...

I said "screw it"!

You know I'm in my 40s. I'm fatter than shit.

I don't want a man, I wanna be a mom.

Mom is... the only person I ever admired, you know?

Yeah.

- You're going to be an uncle. - Good, man.

- That's alright. - Yeah.