Blue Mountain State

You mean to tell me you've known that girl most of your life

And you ain't never had sex with her? And you ain't want to?

What? No, that's my best friend's sister.

So? I've had sex with all my friend's sisters

And their sister's sisters.

Man, you trippin'. That girl's fine.

- Girl: Hey, baby! - No, that's all right.

I'm gonna add her to my list.

- No. No no no. She'll destroy you. - Pussy.

I'm serious. In high school she dated the captain of the hockey team.

He was all-state, had a full ride to michigan.

- Know where he is now? - Uh, no.

This is the first time I ever heard of this dude.

He's bagging groceries.

She made him so happy that he lost his will to compete.

Most girls are yoko ono. She's linda mccartney.

You're in the beatles. Hook up with her, you'll end up in wings.

Who's the beatles?

I swear, you say a comment like that again--

- Make out with me. - No, I should pass.

You know I've wanted to french you since kindergarten.

- Oh really? - Come on, we're not in cheyenne anymore.

No one's gonna care.

Hey linda, how do you spell your last name?

- ( crowd cheering ) - man: Can you feel that?

You better hold on. This one's about to get bumpy.

I've got three freshmen starting in the secondary.

That's not good.

No.

- The defensive line, we're pretty veteran-- - ( clicks )

- I was having a conversation. - I don't give a shit.

Are you aware that 60% of your team has an arrest record?

Well, that's better than last year.

Parents are going to be afraid to send their kids to my school, marty!

Dean simon, I'm having a little difficulty understanding you

With my ex-wife's tit in your mouth.

Really? You should try it sometime.

It might take the taste of booze and whores out of yours.

You're only with him because you think it pisses me off.

Enough! We have got to work together

To turn around the negative image of this team.

Now I've been in touch with the boosters.

- Can't wait to hear this. - We're organizing a charity game

Between your players and the st. Mary's church group.

Father west is expecting you and your players at church on Sunday

To announce the event and then we're sending you on a p.R. Tour.

Really? Well, it ain't gonna happen.

This is your boss, marty. And the boosters are behind us on this.

They think you're finished.

I've told them I think you've got another title in you.

Don't prove me wrong. Let's go.

Smile big for the cameras, coach.

Hey, warren, you walk like a pussy.

I can't believe we're wasting prime drinking hours going to church.

Moran's right. This whole religion thing's a crock of shit.

God probably doesn't even exist.

I love jesus.

He lets you do whatever you want to do.

All you got to do is apologize after.

I don't think that's how it works.

Hey, listen. Trust me, it is.

When I was 10 years old,

I burned down my neighbor's house.

My mom made me go see the priest.

The priest told me

All I had to do was apologize to jesus

And that would be that.

I've been a believer ever since, baby.

Jesus!

Crock of shit, moran.

Mr. Castle, can you give us a few words about the game on Saturday?

Yes, but first I'd like to thank my lord and savior

For making me such an awesome football player.

In the name of the father, the mother and both of their sons.

We are so excited coach daniels and the mountain goats

Have agreed to play us in a good old-fashioned game

Of charity touch football.

Thanks to their kindness, we'll finally have the money

We need to complete our church's renovations.

So god bless coach daniels,

- God bless the goats... - ( snores )

And god bless the entire b.M.S. Football program!

( radon and girl moaning, loud thud )

Purity.

Pure as the day is long, ladies and gentlemen,

That's how we have to be,

Much as a football player has to be pure of mind

- To get through that game. - Sorry, jesus.

Oh. Thank you, jesus.

...To get through that game of life.

Each and every day, folks, it's fourth and long.

And we have to do what we need to do

To move those chains.

That's right. Just as our lord...

No no no.

Remember what I said? She's off-limits.

Limits are made to be broken. I do it all the time.

Pauline. Pauline's a good time.

She's a great time. She's really nice.

I've already been with her. We all have.

You know that. Why you bringing up her?

- Moran: Why? Why why why her? - What do you think?

Randell, moran,

Shut the hell up and get your asses in your seats now!

Sorry, father. Continue.

So I'm definitely gonna hit you up this week.

- I'ma take you dancing. - Shut up.

I'm gonna take you dancing.

mm-hmm.

Yeah, no, you can't sleep with radon.

'cause you're jealous, right?

Because he's really valuable to me-- the team.

He's valuable to the whole team.

Since when do you tell me who I can and can't sleep with?

I know your track record with guys.

I wasn't even thinking of porking radon,

But you just talked me into it.

That guy's gonna owe you a thank you card.

Marty. Marty.

Martin.

This is your team mascot.

He'll be going with you on your p.R. Tour.

Wow. Coach, it will be an honor spending time with you.

You think this is funny, don't you?

A little, but don't think for a second we're bluffing.

Do as you're told or you're gone.

That dean simon is a lucky lucky man.

Wow.

Father west's voice: Pure as the day is long, ladies and gentlemen,

That's how we have to be,

Much as a football player has to be pure of mind

To get through that game.

Brian bosworth? I always said you were god.

- Not quite, but thank you. - You're welcome.

Thad, got something very important to tell you.

You are going to go in the top three

Of next year's n.F.L. Draft.

Oh shit! Oh shit!

That would be huge for me!

However, in order for this to happen,

You must become celibate for the rest of the season.

That means absolutely no sex.

No beav? Fine.

- I got a pocket pussy. - No, we won't have any of that.

You will take your little players

And keep them in their locker room for the rest of the season.

If I do that, I'll go top three?

This is your shot, thad.

don't blow it.

Goodbye, oksana.

Blue 18, blue 18,

Set, hike!

That's five sacks today, randell!

Get your head out of your ass!

O-line can't hold him today, coach!

What did they put in your steroids today?

Born-again virginity.

Brian bosworth told me if I go beaver-free,

I'm gonna go top three in the draft.

Just a heads up, ladies, I'm beaver-free until further notice.

So don't try to seduce me with your knockers.

It won't work. You're dismissed.

What kind of idiot gives up sex for football?

An idiot who wants to be the best.

I could never give up sex.

That's why you'll never be great.

All right, all right! Homeless people, eat some food. Eat some free food!

All right, enjoy! Yeah!

Here. Put this on your head.

I'm not wearing that.

Oh, you bet your ass you are.

Mascot: Yeah, all right, coach! Yeah, all right!

That hairnet looks really stupid on you!

I can't believe she's making you wear that!

- Picture time! - I'll take some pictures. Here we go.

Thad: No thank you. No girls today.

No, I don't want you to look at me. Gross.

Your face is awesome and gross.

Why are you wearing lingerie? It's so awesome and sick!

Get it off.

Thad badassle, saction news 4,

Here with the biggest sack magnet in b.M.S. History.

Radon randell, tell us what it's like to suck so bad at football?

Some people just have a bad day, man.

And some people eat shit!

Uh-oh.

You know, the only reason why that guy's beating you is because he's given up sex.

If you want the humiliation to end, ya gotta do it too.

- That's impossible. - It's either that or you go all season

- With that guy kicking your ass. - ( thad grunting )

Hey, sexy. I have drinks in my room.

Wanna help me drink them?

- Um... - ( grunting )

I got to go to the bathroom.

A couple of days ago, that guy was trying to pork me in a church.

- Really? - Yeah. What'd you say to him?

I didn't say anything. Maybe you're not his type.

I'm gonna nail that guy and you can't stop me.