Ralphie May: Filthy Animal Tour

**

Yeah!

What's happening, you filthy animals?

Sit down, God damn it.

We got shit to do.

Can't have you standing around, like, look at all these white

people, looks like an anti-Obama rally or some shit,

I don't know.

It's great to be here in Portland.

I thank you for having us.

I--

I love coming to a town where the weather

is always partly suicidal.

It's awesome.

I love wearing fur.

People go, that's so crazy,

a big fucking fat guy wearing fur.

I'm like, yeah.

Top of the food chain, bitch.

I got thumbs.

I've got thumbs.

Go fuck yourself.

It does, it looks like I finger banged a sasquatch.

Big feet, tight 'giner.

That's all I'm saying.

Tight, tight 'giner.

If you can get it, get it,

that's why they're so God damn mysterious,

tight 'giners in this day and age.

Can't find 'em.

Can't find a squeaky monkey hardly at all.

Am I lying or am I dying?

Come on, creeps, you know what I'm talking about.

Fuck yeah, squeaky 'giner.

Rare.

Have to finger bang a midget to find something like that, man.

A papercut.

See, some of y'all are already groaning at me, okay?

You need to understand, okay?

Me and my friends, we're kinda like a finger in your ass, okay?

Uncomfortable at first.

But...

But not so bad, not so bad.

Just a knuckle, nothing gay.

Easy, sleazy, one knuckle deep.

A little how-you-doing.

Trick or treat, come on with you.

Holler.

We are in Portland, home of stinky white people, all right?

They are fucking--

Let me give you the downtown Portland greeting.

Hey, man, can I get $2? Can I get $2?

Can I get $2?

How about $1.89?

$1.76?

What you got? What you got?

I can take that.

Dirty ass white people.

Oh, God, it's so fucking disgusting.

Okay, you don't have--

I can't find a job!

Try pissing on the outside of your pants.

You know what I'm saying?

Fucking--

That makes you amazingly more employable.

You'd be surprised.

When you don't reek of piss and squish when you walk, uh, you...

That's what those tight jeans are for.

That's why they're so tight.

They piss in 'em and it fucking shrinks 'em up.

What the fuck is with that, okay?

Tight pants, skinny jean dudes.

Okay, listen up.

You're not supposed to know a dude has got camel toe

from the back.

That's all I'm saying, man.

You know?

It's like, hey, hey, player, hey.

Hey.

Get some loose pants or enjoy your yeast infection,

you pick, okay?

Then they do that dumb shit with their ears?

That big, dumb fucking hoop shit where they put, like, a--

a coaster in their fucking dumb ears?

That's the stupidest shit I've ever seen in my life.

It is so dumb.

It's not like it's gonna come back.

It's not like an earring where you take it out

and it just seals up.

You've got loops in your ears forever, bro.

You can't ride a motorcycle, you put the helmet on,

your little...

Ears are flapping.

What cracks me up is that it's only white people that are doing

that shit and Mexicans that think they're white.

That's it.

And--

But every time I say that after the show, some white guy with

these dumb fucking hoop earrings with a Frisbee in his ear comes

up and he's like,

you know, dude, this started in Africa, it started in Africa.

Yeah.

But you don't see black guys doing that shit right now,

do you?

Fuck no.

'Cause every black person's been told by their great grandparents

and their great parents-- parents before them and

their great, great, great-grandparents before them

that that's how white people caught black people.

Right, player?

There's some black guys in the back.

Right, money? Fuck yeah.

They got y'all on y'all's jug handle.

You ever had your grandmamma get you by the fucking ear?

That's what they did, they got 'em by their jug handle.

You can't go nowhere when you got somebody in your earlobe

like that.

You're like, oh, shit, oh, shit!

That's what happened.

Now, I know some of y'all are shocked

and you're like Ralphie May, you're telling us that the

reason black people got caught and put into slavery

is 'cause white people grabbed them by their

jug handle earlobes.

Yes, that is what I'm saying.

Okay, that's my hypothesis.

Yours would be that there was a bunch of white people

faster than black people.

Now--

Come on, what-- What, come on?

Which is more believable, your theory or mine?

Mine.

Mine make a hell of a lot more sense.

Oh, man.

Stinky, dirty white people.

Old white people, oh, enough with them, too.

Enough.

Old white people in Washington, they fucking hate our president.

I'm old school, like, look--

I don't maybe not like the man but God damn it, I love the

office, you know what I'm saying, I respect the

president, maybe that's just me, you know?

I wasn't one of these comedians making fun of

George W. Bush when he said "nuke-ular."

I don't know, I didn't invent it.

That might be how you pronounce it.

I don't know, I wasn't there.

"Nuke-ular" might be the shit, that might be it.

What if Albert Einstein had a speech impediment?

"Nuke-ular."

You don't know.

You weren't there.

I just gave him the benefit of the doubt.

I didn't like him because he traded Sammy Sosa,

but that's just me, you know.

That's how I vote.

Did you ever run a baseball team and trade Sammy Sosa

for some bullshit pitchers?

I can't vote for you, son, you can't have the button.

I'm sorry.

But Barack never traded anybody.

I like Barack Obama, I do.

But every time these white guys in Washington say

"Barack Obama," it's like the word "nigger" is right

below the surface.

Y'all notice that?

Y'all notice that, playboy?

You know what I'm talking about, right, money?

Every time, every time, they got so much hate,

they can't even hide it.

It's like a nigger shark swimming right below the

surface, you know what I'm saying?

It's like--

That Barack Obama, ooh, he's a...

Woo!

Who wants to give healthcare to people?

Ahh!

N...

Ahh!

It's like they're all Yosemite Sam, you know?

They're turning into Yosemite Sam.

Ooh! I hate that Barack Obama.

He's the niggerest nig that ever nigged a nigger.

Racist motherfuckers.

Sick of that shit.

People have a problem with the black part of him,

'cause he's half and half.

If he was white, they wouldn't have no problem with him at all.

I gotta say, that's the part I got a problem with,

is the white part.

I want that black part to show up every now and then.

Just, like-- Just a TV, just come up.

Uh, breaking news.

The president is about to address the country.

Yo!

What's up?

I want everybody to hear this shit from me.

So you didn't hear it on the streets,

you know what I'm saying?

Ten minutes ago, I called that cocksucker over in Syria,