Cougar Town

Are you ready for this?

Well, that depends.

What do you have in mind?

Neighbor-on-neighbor style all night long.

Oh, damn it, tuffy!

I will cut out your tongue and show it to you!

So you had a sex dream about me, huh?

Relax, stud. i have sex dreams about everybody--

The president, gene simmons,

Edward from "twilight"-- ooh, that sweet edward. mm.

that is why i came by.

I thought you could talk to mr. rose

About his yappy little rat-dog. yeah, that's-- that's not gonna happen.

Look, you and i are already amazing friends. we are not.

We are, but i think this is your chance

To get in good with the rest of the neighborhood.

I'm not really looking to be part of your cul-de-sac crew.

Come on, you have to do this. mr. rose doesn't like me

Because of our dueling yard sales last summer.

I blew him out of the water. i mean, sorry, buddy.

Nobody wants your dead wife's lipstick,

You know what i'm saying?

You know why you're our favorite mortgage broker, larry?

And it's not just because of your promotional stress balls,

Although this thing is great. i hear you.

You do hear me, don't you, larry?

That's why i love working with you.

Well, you know, it doesn't have to stop with work.

You want to grab a coffee later?

i can't tonight.

Um, i have to, uh, what do i have to do, laurie?

You're playing chess with the homeless.

You're one of the good ones. well--

I gotta go. you got my number.

I sure do, right here on this ball. (chuckles)

Did that man who i wish was my father just ask me out?

Yeah. i think larry loves you.

You know, i'll bet he was such a stud in his day.

Oh, he can't find his car.

Oh!

Thanks for letting me sleep in, babe. i was up late.

You know what's cool about playing hearts online?

Yeah. nothing.

I was with our son, cleaning up his adult-sized doody.

Well, thank you for handling that.

Mmm.

On a related note,

After i finished shaving this morning,

I cleaned all of my whiskers out of the sink. good.

No "thank you" for me? i don't think you understand

How many whiskers we're talking about here. i am aware of how hairy you are.

Yeah, you are. listen up, half-pint.

I'm not gonna thank you for doing stuff

You're supposed to do. if i did that, i'd have to thank you

For doing things like killing bugs or supporting me.

When i have to shave again at noon,

i am not cleaning it up!

You know how i'm back together with dale?

He just invited me to his girlfriend's birthday party.

It's not weird. oh.

He's gonna break up with her as soon as he gets his cds back.

Should i go? i know how this is gonna end, but i'm still gonna dive in.

Do not go! run from this backwoods loser

Like he's actually trying to kill you. i'm gonna go.

Glad to help. he sounds like he's the one.

Seriously, he'll definitely marry you.

laurie.

hey, travis. what up, girl?

Mm. quick funny story. so i went to the vampire weekend concert.

Awesome show. caught a drumstick.

which is, you know, it's like whatever,

But my friend alex nearly had a nerd-ga.

Oh, yeah, i love that band.

A lot in common.

lot in common.

Come on, travis, let's go!

what is that noise?

I found a scooter horn at the dump.

I helped him wire it up. it's pretty rad.

Is it rad, andy? get inside.

Look, e-train, i know you went south on me after the divorce,

And i respect that, but jules and i are copacetic now.

Can't we just bury the hatchet?

I have to go home now. mm-hmm.

Hey, i'm happy about bobby's new horn.

The odds of my son dying in a golf cart accident

Just went from definitely to probably. oh, good.

Listen, i have nothing to do tonight. let's hang.

I can't. it's date night.

It might be fun, though, 'cause there's no sex pressure.

Andy's allergy medications

Are causing some equipment malfunctions. don't have to tell jules everything.

oh, i'm sorry, jules. i can't hang.

I'm right in the middle of something.

Just give him his creed albums back, you bitch!

He doesn't love you!

You still there?

No can do, mom. dad found a bag of fireworks,

So our night is sort of spoken for.

I wouldn't get too close to that pumpkin if i were you.

What?

awesome!

Ohh! (spits) some got in my mouth!

Bye.

This is larry.

Oh, okay. this is jules.

uh, if you still want to grab that cup of coffee,

Um, you know, just as friends, i'm free tonight.

Larry?

this is larry.

Great.

Good night, larry.

Kiss?

Oh, that's not gonna happen.

But thanks. it was really fun.

Bye now.

Oh, no.

Oh, yes.

* she likes a pacemaker, she's a hip breaker *

* she likes them almost dead *

That's all i've written so far, but i'm very proud of it.

It's haunting.

You know that girl i was with? she is 11 years younger than me.

If you add that to the age difference

Between you and your date, it's 611 years.

Mine wasn't a date, okay? i just went out for some coffee.

You can't stand to be alone for a second, can you? that is ridiculous.

Then why did you go out with father time?

Because i am a history buff, and i haven't be in a car

With only a lap belt in a long time.

So... and you know what? i'm going home right now

To an empty house alone.

No. not a sad moment.

It's triumphant.

Ah, i got it.

Better.

So dale and i hooked up last night,

and when i woke up, he wasn't here,

And i don't know where i am.

Another proud morning.

Will you come and find me?

I can see a fence,

A tree and a cloud shaped like mashed potatoes.

honey, normally i would type that into my g.p.s.,

But can you just please try to find your own way home?

All right? love you.

I thought you'd want her here

So you wouldn't be all by your lonesomes.

Buddy, those little painted roses on your tiny guitar

Look pretty girly.

* confident in my sexualitay *

I will bet you 20 bucks

That you can't spend the entire day by yourself.

Are you kidding me? i love to be by myself.

hey, ellie!

What?

Don't come over today. why am i being punished?

I'll explain at midnight.

All right, great. the bet starts now.

J-bird.

Whoa! .5 seconds. i just won 20 bucks.

Nice! sounds like i was involved.

Should we go splitsies? wow, you see an opportunity to get cash,

And you just dive right in there, don't you?

G.a.c.

"guilty as charged." i taught him that.

I regret it. t-rex and i are gonna fire up the grill and have a b-b-q.

I need a place to put the ribs.

Can i, uh, throw away your lean cuisines? no, those are mine.

Jules. doesn't mean he's gay, bobby.

Sorry i like well-balanced meals.

Okay, as soon as these guys leave, bet starts.

* you're gonna owe me 20 bucks *

Leave? it's barbecue saturday. oh, you just made that up.

g.a.c.

* confident in my sexualitay *

Wow. that could be my new favorite song. good luck being alone, mom.

I so got this.

* confident in my sexualitay *

* just like mariska hargitay *

wow.

* confident in my sexualitay * mmm.

* got a pedicure the other day *

* i wear pink shirts and fancy shoes *

* i moisturize and look good in blue *

* i drink cabernet *

* cabernet *

* confident in my sexualitay *

* drove my hybrid to the ballet *

* confident in my sexualitay *

22 minutes. that'sit?

* just like mariska hargitay *

You suck, tuffy!

He--he--he--he--he--

You're inside. it's safe.

He crawled toward the bushes

Little guy probably just came in from the waterways.

I got it. easy-peasy...

gary sinise-y.

oh, god! oh, god! oh, god! oh, god! oh, god!