Bob's Burgers

It's been called the Beast of the Bay,

The Monster of the Marina

and the Wonder Wolf.

But whatever you call it,

it's allegedly extremely dangerous

and allegedly out for blood, wreaking alleged havoc

on our quiet little community, allegedly.

And it seems to be scaring the trick-or-treaters

out of town this year

on what promises to be a foggy night.

Meanwhile, the alpaca has gone missing

from the Wonder Wharf petting zoo.

I'm here with Calvin and Felix Fischoeder.

Could the alpaca have been a victim

of this so-called Wonder Wolf?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I'm sure the alpaca just went on a little walkabout.

Yes, that checks out.

The town is perfectly safe.

All the little children should go out trick-or-treating...

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. ...and then come spend their parents' money--

I mean, come to Wonder Wharf and, well, you know.

If you are braving the local streets for treats,

parents are advised to accompany their kids

just in case this beast is more than just a rumor.

It's not.

Oh. No.

Um, what are you?

I'm a Cher-iff. Get it?

Like Cher, but a sheriff. Hmm.

I got handcuffs, a badge and a body that just refuses to age.

Oh, I love her.

"Snap out of it!" Hmm?

From the movie. Mm.

You know, if you weren't on a bunch of pain pills,

you'd be cracking up right now.

I think those are making you less fun.

Probably a side effect.

See? "Take with food.

Can cause hallucinations and diarrhea."

Well, I don't have either of those except diarrhea,

so give me one.

Fine, but just one.

You get weird on pain pills. Mm.

Remember the time you thought the rug was making fun of you?

Or the time you took nighttime aspirin

and you ended up peeing in the blender?

You almost ruined that smoothie, Bob.

First of all, I do not remember any of that.

Second, you should've thrown that smoothie out

if that ever happened.

And third, what am I supposed to do if I'm in pain?

The-the pills are great for that.

So...

...give me my drugs, officer.

Okay. If you want to be a paranoid Patty.

Ah! What was that?

The doorbell. Calm down.

Right, right. Doorbell.

Coming!

Hold your candy corns!

Oh, a Cher-iff.

Oh, that is great.

Doesn't Teddy look hot?

I thought I ordered a scary nurse,

but I guess I clicked on sexy nurse instead.

Sometimes the universe decides, you know?

Anyway, Nurse Teddy is here to take care of you, Bob.

Uh, Linda, what is he talking about?

I told you, Bob, I have to go out

trick-or-treating with the kids

just in case the imaginary wolf is real.

Teddy's gonna keep an eye on you.

You aren't very good on those crutches, mister.

He fell down twice today trying to go to the bathroom.

I'm fine, Lin.

I'll help him get into the bathroom, no problem.

You can count on me.

I'll even hold your penis if you need me to, Bob.

I don't need you to hold my penis, Teddy.

Well, then I can just, you know,

I can just prop it up for you.

Use a broom handle or a dustpan or something.

I guess a spatula would work.

Great, uh, where's the spatulas?

I'm joking, Teddy.

I don't need you to hold my penis up with a spatula.

Right, right, I knew that.

So, how'd you mess your knee up, anyway?

It's a long story.

Hey, my old chef pants. I love these.

I wonder if I can still get into them.

Ow! Ow!

So not that long a story.

No, I guess not.

Get ready for your

favorite fruity boy, Gene.

Ooh, grapes.

Handsome grapes.

Sorry, handsome grapes.

Hey, hey, you're The Monkees.

Peter, maybe? With an oxygen tank?

No, Mom, I'm the guy from No Country for Old Men.

Ooh, a hunky killer.

The best kind, huh?

Ooh, Tina's a zombie

wearing my clothes for some reason.

Yeah, I'm a Mom-bie.

But you don't look like a mom

in those clothes; you look fun and youthful.

In these jeans? No, I look like a mom.

Young, fun mom.

Well, enough chitchat.

We're burning precious candy time.

See you sometime before dawn.

Okay, let me just go spray my hair

one more time, and then I'm ready.

Why would you need to go spray your hair

for us to go trick-or-treating?

Because I'm coming with you.

Uh, no? Sorry, Mother.

You must be this young to ride the trick-or-treat train.

Yeah, maybe you should trick-or-treat

with some friends your own age, Mom.

Tonight's about fun.

You don't bring a mom to a fun fight.

What? I'm fun.

Plus, I got to protect you from that wolf

that's terrorizing the town, but probably isn't real.

Ugh, I'd be so embarrassed if you kids got eaten.

Fine. But don't try too hard.

And don't try too hard at not trying too hard.

I'm gonna be so fun, you're gonna wish

I trick-or-treated with you every night.

All right, let's get treatin'.

Yeah, let's turn some tricks.

Gene, don't say that.

Bye, bye, bye, bye. Stay out of my room.

You got it, Mrs. B.

So, what do you want to do?

You can still thumb wrestle, right?

Best out of 31?

Uh, I was just gonna watch TV, Teddy.

Okay. Or we could watch TV. Sure.

And now, our Halloween feature,

Bosom Bloodies.

Mmm, Bosom Bloodies. I read the books.

And coming up at 10:00, an update on the Wonder Wolf.

Ooh.

What was that? What was what?

Th-That howl.

I just said, "Ooh."

Oh. Oh, okay.

Jeez, you're jumpy, Bob.

You're jumpy, Bob.

Trick or treat!

Sorry I don't have candy.

The news said that no one would be out trick-or-treating

because of the wolf.

Yeah, we heard.

Kids, what do you say?

Thank you.

At least apples are edible. I don't know what I'm gonna do

with all these twist ties from that other house.

This is bull. I want candy. I'm a kid!

It's not like I can just go out and buy it whenever I want.

Well, maybe the next block will be better.

Damn it! (sighs)

Should we just go home and eat spoonfuls of sugar?

I know where there's a hummingbird feeder.

I'm ready for tub and tuck in.

What? Are you kidding me?

We're not Hallo-quitters, we're Hallo-winners.

But no houses are giving out candy, woman.

We don't need candy to have fun.

You shut your damn mouth.

Hey! Isn't that the park

where people keep seeing the Wonder Wolf?

Why don't we go over there and find it.

Searching for a wolf is a great fun Halloween adventure.

I know this is gonna sound crazy,

but I'm scared of wolves.

Yeah, seems dangerous.

That wolf would probably love to eat

a plump, perfect boy like moi.

Come on. Are you guys coming?

: Or are you too scared?

Fine, but I'm gonna walk in the middle

to protect my beautiful grapes,

and for once, I'm not talking about my testicles.

I guess it's kind of a good Halloween thing to do.

But if don't see a wolf, I want my money back.

All right! Hello, lady Bob.

Hey, Mr. Fischoeder.

You out trick-or-treatin'? Smellin' feetin'?

We're out looking for our alpaca, Al.

Have you seen him?

No. We're going to look for the wolf.

: The wolf. Wolves aren't real, Linda.

Okay, well, we're gonna go look for one anyway