Difficult People

Excuse me, I have--

...theater tickets, I'm seeing a matinee.

Oh, Jesus!

That's gonna be a great photo.

Take a picture of a cab.

Why don't you watch where you're going?

Miss Redhead, could you take our picture?

Do you know where I catch the M34A?

No, I'm not touching that camera.

I don't want swine flu.

I don't know. Who takes the bus?

Okay, but, please, can you tell us

how can we get to 9/11?

Hi, do you have a minute for gay rights?

- Rashes. - Gay rights?

I've done plenty

and took diminishing returns.

Which way is the farmers' market?

What more do you fucking want from me?

- Oh! - Idiot!

My God, you're a grown man on a bike!

Hi. Are you ready for "Annie"?

How dare you ask me something so redundant.

Just a second, I have to finish this tweet.

"'Til Blue Ivy is old enough to..."

- Send. - That's very funny.

Thank you. I love "Annie."

Isn't it funny how FDR is a total hero

in this play even though in real life

he let millions of Jews die?

Hilarious. I love that we has born

during a time when handicapped people

still had to wear blankets on their laps.

Have you heard from Josh?

Nope, and it's been over a week

and we are done.

Oh, I'm so sorry, Billy.

I'm actually very upset.

- Josh was so hot. - Yeah.

And not a moron.

Well, if he broke up with you,

clearly he is a moron.

By the way, your Real Housewives

recap today was hilarious.

- Oh, thank you. - We were dying.

God, I'm so funny when I write

mean things about TV shows.

How come no one's hired me to write for one?

Because our lives are garbage

and it's the world's fault?

I hate this time of year.

My light spring jacket is soaked

with both pollen and snow.

I wish I never had to go outside.

Well, that's why I've always been

an indoors kid.

I used to spend every recess

in the school library,

even when it was beautiful outside.

That's adorable.

I have such fond memories

about the water fountain in that library.

It had the most delicious water.

That is so weird because my school library

had an incredible water fountain also.

You know what'd be smart?

What if we went into--

Oh God.

What if we went into business

selling bottled library water fountain water?

Okay, this is gonna sound insane,

but I met somebody who sells water

in milk cartons as an alternative

to bottled water.

It's like good for the environment.

Doesn't the water inside taste like milk?

- I don't think so. - Seems like it would.

God, I hate the sound of children laughing.

Oh shit!

Annie is an understudy today

and her name is Taylor. This generation!

I swear to God, if she blows this role

I will strap down my tits

and get up on that stage.

Excuse me, could you please

watch your language?

Oh my God, I am so so--

- Miss, miss. - Yes?

- I am so sorry. - It's okay.

We can't do that at all. Not gonna do that.

I'm sorry, I think you can.

- We're seeing "Annie." - I paid $120,

I can say "shit" if I want to.

You-- hey!

- Hey, hey. - "Hey, hey."

I would pay $120 for both of you

to leave right now.

This is a public place, and you know what?

We're not seeing the real Annie.

You're not seeing the real Annie today.

Do not talk to my children.

Do you know what an understudy is?

You are terrifying my children.

- Terrifying? - You are terrifying.

I told them a fact of life.

You're a terrifying person.

Nobody wants to see an understudy.

- You don't know me. - I do know you.

An understudy, it's like a fancy word

for disappointment.

Hi, babies! Hi, angels.

Hi, Noodles.

Hello, Arthur.

- What are you slicing? - A quince.

It's like an apple combined with a pear.

Somebody at the office wrote a book about them.

Really? Somebody in public television

wrote a book about something boring?

Oh, you.

Here, I made you a plate.

Thank you, but you know how I feel about fruit

that's not in proximity to crust or cream.

Oh.

Hey, you know Gabby's Oscar party this Sunday?

I've been thinking about it

and I think it'd be better if I stayed home

and live-tweeted the Oscars

in my pajamas instead.

Gabby's my boss, she's a big deal at PBS.

Come on, Cara seed.

I ask so little of you.

I know, that's why we work.

- Uh-oh. - What?

I tweeted something about Blue Ivy earlier

and now the internet's being really mean to me.

"Unfollow, kill yourself."

From SpinClassAddict91. Oh my God,

that's probably the year she was born.

What was the joke?

"I can't wait for Blue Ivy to be old enough

for R. Kelly to piss on her."

- Ah-ha. - I hate this!

I hate fighting with people.

I just like saying something crazy

and then leaving the room.

Unless people like what I say

and then I stay in the room.

I know, I've met you before.

I'm gonna delete this piss-baby tweet.

I want the fries but I think I should

just get the salad instead.

I'll be good.

Hello?

How can you think about food?

Huffington Post just tweeted about

what George and Amal Clooney

would look like as Simpsons characters.

Come on.

No.

Hey Billy, you okay?

I'm fine.

I mean, you know, I'm in my mid thirties,

I am waiting tables-- poorly--

I spent the better part of last night

Facebook stalking my ex,

and according to NCI- whatever the fuck it is,

even Linda Hunt is more castable than me,

so I'm doing great, thanks so much.

Oh, thank you, sweet Matthew,

for another morning full of wonderful memories.

Hey, where you guys been?

Where have you been? I've been covering

the whole place by myself.

We had to get outfits

for our mother/son photo shoot.

Oh, sad, old Billy.

He only ever gets to go shopping

for antidepressants and Metamucil wafers.

You know what, Matthew?

Sometimes when I hear you speak,

I think I should join

the Westboro Baptist Church.

Ever since I was told

that I couldn't have children...

- By yourself. - ...because I hate them,

I've only been sad about not having

mother/son photos and matching outfits.

Oh, that's when I told diva here

that we may not be blood,

but we are family.

Oh, sing, bird, sing!

You go, girl!

Uh, uh, uh, uh, it is Denise.

No, baby, go easy on Billy today.

Josh just broke up with him.

That's the guy that's cute and sweet

in a Paul Rudd-ish way.

- And that's rare. - We all got problems,

get your ass back to work.

And you, I got a gift for you.