Samantha Who?

Once upon a time there was a girl

... who made the tiniest mistake

On the way to "happily ever after."

Yeah. um, hi, todd. it's, uh, me again.

You know, um, in some countries it's actually considered rude

to ignore messages after someone has left 20 or 30 of them.

Maybe not as rude as pretending

that you and I had sex to get rid of your girlfriend,

but it's close.

Trust me, the new girlfriend's no prize either.

Anywho...

Um, if you call me back, maybe we can work this out.

Anyway, bye.

Good morning, mr. Chapman.

Oh, is it? Is it, really? my mistake,

because I thought this was the morning that Funk decided

to drop in from the heavens for his twice-yearly visit.

- Funk? - Funk.

Oh. Right, the other name on the sign.

Yes, the other name, but you see? Mine's first.

Oh. Why? Because one of us devotes every minute to this place

while the other travels around the world

to attend to his little billion-dollar empire.

Oh. That's funny. I just...

- I just always thought it was alphabetical. - Yeah, alph--

- Okay, you know what? The point is, it's first. - Okay.

- Okay? - Yeah.

Now he wants all of us in the conference room,

- So let's do it. - Let's do it

- Let's do it. - Let's do it.

Um, "the wall street journal" says that Winston Funk

Needs no introduction,

yet here I am, once again, introducing him, so here he is.

Good morning, everyone. It's a pleasure to see you all.

First, I wanna apologize for the dust

my helicopter kicked up this morning.

- Chase. - And what the hell is that?

No one here is hearing-impaired.

Yet.The soul of success is anticipation.

Yes! yes it is.

Someone's in love with Funk.

- Oh, please, don't be ridiculous. - Someone's in love with Funk.

Is he not the most adorable billionaire ever?

Good morning, ladies.

Scurbee.

- What were you even trying to say? - I have no idea!

- Do you see what he does to me? - Yes.

Oh, god, he is everything I have ever wanted in a man,

and it's not the money. I swear it is not the money.

I would love him even if he was just a millionaire.

Oh, and he's getting divorced. Should I go for it?

Andrea, he is charming,

good-looking, rich and available.

- If you don't go for him, I.. - I will tear you apart.

I was kidding!

Yeah, me, too.

Hello, Sam.

Hey... you.

Samantha Newly?

Mr. Funk.

The day we've been waiting for has finally arrived.

Marry me?

Scurbee.

Aren't you gonna try it on?

No. No, I shouldn't. I can't.

Maybe just for a second.

Whoa. That's.. that's heavy.

It's flawless, like you.

Think you can just propose and then touch me?

what's wrong? Georgette and I are through.

Are you still with that boyfriend of yours.. Ted? Fred

Fraud. Todd. No.

Then there's nothing in our way.

Yeah, yeah, there is a small thing.

Um... I don't remember you.

Is this about my haircut? Because I thought you'd like it.

No!

You wanna touch it?

No! look, I...

I haven't told anyone around here about this,

but I-I think that maybe you should know since, uh,

The rest of our lives is hanging in the balance and all,

But I was hit by a car, and I went into a coma,

- and now I have amnesia. - Ring's not big enough. That it?

No, no, that's not.. wait. They make them bigger?

Yoare never an easy sell.

- I've always liked that about you. - Look, it's the truth.

I was out for eight days, and when I woke up,

I couldn't remember my name or my friends

or... liquid soap.

I'm still a little fuzzy on what an r.e.o. speedwagon is.

Oh, my god. You're serious.

Yeah. I just don't remember us, which is.. is a shame,

because, um, I'm guessing it was good.

It wasn't r.e.o. speedwagon, but yeah.

So i'm.. i'm sorry. I just can't.

Well...

Oh! hey, you know,

but if you're in the marrying mood,

I can refer you to a dynamite brunette..

No. it's cool.

I should go.

I should probably give this back to you.

Don't want to, but there you go.

And if andrea finds out that I had

a relationship with this guy, she is gonna kill me.

I mean, I accidentally ate her yogurt the other day,

and she bent back all my fingers.

Ooh, a woman scored. That's such a great antagonist.

Antagonist for what?

Ah, I'm taking an online romance novel writing class.

Really?

My heroine is a beautiful blonde amnesiac

with a dark past and an uncertain future.

My nom de plume is Dena Devereaux.

Well, don't base your novel on my romantic life,

because Todd won't even return my phone calls.

Oh! ooh, so... what happens next?

I don't know. Flip ahead, and you tell me.

Well, are you a heroine

who's willing to risk everything she has

to win the stableboy she loves

or your heroine who just gives up

and throws herself on some rocks?

Todd won't return my phone calls.

There's nothing that I can do.

Rocks.

Fetch.

They've had a hard day.

Oh, Todd, I just wanted to say that you know what?

You can ignore me all you want,

but just keep in mind that by now, I do know your routine.

I know when you get your coffee

and those big, fat cinnamon rolls

That you just love so much,

but then you feel so guilty for eating them that you go

and run off the calories in the park like a girl.

Anywho, I'm just checking in, because..

Okay, Sam, you win. what?

One second. um, I have to go.

It's you.

Cinnamon roll for Todd.

I need you to know why I did what did to you and Chloe. I don't care.

Look, it's because I-I have these feelings..

It doesn't matter. Don't say it.

You--you don't even know what I was gonna say.

I-I think I do.

Oh, really? well, maybe I was gonna say

that I am having feelings...

about... the situation in the middle east,

And now you are never going to hear them.

It doesn't matter, because I'm with Chloe now,

Annothing you can say is gonna do anything

But make everybody feel bad, and those are my feelings.

Oh, yeah? well, how is that gonna... help the troops?

And so, her yearning

... for the stableboy unrequited,

Our heroine headed through the dark of night,

Seeking comfort at the warm hearth

Of her kindly but addled parents.

There she is, our beautiful, intelligent, sweet

and naturally blonde daughter.

Hello again, Sam.

Hi. Well, you're just not used

to hearing the word "no," are ya?

I hear it all the time.

It's that little noise right before "yes."

He's gonna teach me how to fly his helicopter.

So, um... what are you doing here?

Or, "hello. So nice to see you again"

Is what we sometimes say to company.

Samantha, Winston just dropped by to..

He said we could call him "Winston."

I came by to ask your father for your hand in marriage.

And I said yes!

I di't even think about it!

Oh, congratulations, honey.

Wait, wait. No! No, no, no. Mother..

- Samantha? - what?

Could you help me in the kitchen for just a moment? Excuse us.

Little nervous.

What?

When were you going to let me know

- that a billionaire was in love with you? - Oh, god.

He used to date the girl from "x-men"!

Mom, I don't even know him. How can I love him?

Plus Andrea is in love with him.

Oh, Andrea.. she just loves him for his money.

Yeah, so do you.

Yes, but I'm not the one marrying him.

And neither am I.

Why not?

Any girl in the world would jump at the chance

to marry Winston Funk.

He's been on magazine covers. He flies jets.

I meanthe man could snap his fingers

And have every winw in this house weather-stripped!

I said I'll get to it.

You know, Winston was telling me about his jet,

So I wanted to show him mine.