The Goldbergs

Ah, restaurants of the '80s.

Back then, dining out with your family was the highlight

of the week, unless, of course, you came from a loud family

with no sense of boundaries, a family like mine.

I can't believe you're really here.

So, you're not mad that I surprised you at college?

I mean, I know you hate that kind of thing.

Geoff, you being here is the perfect gift, really.

But you know what's an even better gift

than just the two of us celebrating your birthday?

Surprise!

Wait, it's your birthday?

You all told me we were coming here so I could be scouted

by the Washington Bullets!

Oh, my God! You invited my whole family!

To dinner. In public. Why? How?!

- We all drove down together. - Murray made me pump gas.

Nobody rides for free.

Do you mind giving me a sec with my special guy

so that I can thank him properly?

Hurry back. Our table's almost ready.

Hi, can you grab our menus? We're ready to sit.

I'm sorry. There's a few parties ahead of you.

I'm hungry, Bevy. What's the girl saying?

The girl's saying there's people ahead of us,

but I'm just gonna noodge her until she gives in.

It'll just be a few more minutes, ma'am.

What do you mean "a few more minutes"?

That table just sat down

and they arrived five minutes after us.

Ma'am, I understand, but there was a two-top ready.

So just because I decide to build a life around my family,

I'm suddenly to blame?

I'm starving, Bevy.

Here's the thing, my husband's blood sugar is in free fall.

We're on borrowed time.

Bevy, I'm starving!

Hear that? He's starving.

How could you? My family, Geoff, my family?

Um, yeah? Am I missing something here?

- It's just dinner. - At a restaurant?

It's the worst humiliation known to man.

Their most terrible qualities are magnified by a thousand.

You don't even understand

the events that you've set into motion.

Leave right now, or this relationship is over.

You're gonna break up with me over a dinner

at Beefsteak Charlie's?

No! You're gonna break up with me.

You're never gonna want to stay

after the horrors you see tonight.

Bevy, this isn't good. I'm getting shaky hungry.

If I don't eat soon, I'm gonna have to lie down.

- I'll get you a roll, Murray. - Ma! Dad's lying on people again.

All right, either get us a table

or give this man a hot buttered roll.

- No pumpernickel. - He says, "No pumpernickel."

For the love of God, no pumpernickel!

Geoff, look at me.

Whatever happens tonight, I need you to know

that I love you with all of my heart.

I'm getting scared, Erica. What's gonna happen?

I'll tell you what's gonna happen.

Dinner with the Goldbergs.

Every dinner at a restaurant

begins with being seated at a table.

But for my picky family, no table was good enough.

Here we are, folks.

I'm sorry, I don't mean to be a nudge,

but this table is garbage.

I mean, look, it's right next to the kitchen.

No worries. Right this way.

And so this embarrassing display always happened.

Brrr, this one's right under the air-conditioner.

We want dinner, not pneumonia.

I-I can't eat here. There's an echo.

Do you hear it?

We can't do a booth. My husband has a bad back.

He's got to sit in a chair like a human being.

This is way too close to the bathroom.

It has a wobble.

Hello? Ah.

There's an echo.

This just has a bad vibe.

_

Every meal with the Goldbergs began the same.

First, my dad would ravenously attack the bread basket,

followed by this classic Mom response...

No, Murray, no. One roll for you only.

The same goes for the rest of you.

I will not have you filling up on bread.

What's with your mom and the rolls?

Her worst fear in life is that we'll fill up on bread,

but she also can't let anything go to waste,

so that's where her food purse comes in.

Food what now?

It's a bottomless purse lined with foil.

Oh, hi. We need some more rolls.

Oh, I'm not your waiter, but I'll tell him.

Wait! It says "free refills." I'll have a Sprite.

Oh, again, I'm not your waiter, but, uh, I'll let him know.

Whoo-hoo! This family now has a bottomless soda.

We're beating the system.

Next, Barry would have his traditional

middle-child meltdown over the struggles of being left-handed.

- Damn it, Geoff, stop! - What?

You're mashing your dominant hand into mine.

I can't eat like this.

Ignore him. Barry just acts like a big baby

- because he's a lefty. - You don't know the pain of the southpaw.

I feel like a left-handed prisoner of war.

Geoff, switch with me.

Enough. You're sitting where you're sitting.

Ooh, it's a cheddar biscuit.

No, Murray, no!

_

It was now decision-making time.

And for my dad, the only choice was how to save money.

Okay, it's time for Murray's menu rules.

Remember, no prime cuts,

no fancy sides,

no out-of-season vegetables,

no market price,

no salad bar,

no items in French,

no dry-aged anything, and, most importantly...

No appetizers of any kind, 'cause that's how they screw ya.

Does that include a nice soup?

Are you for real? Is he for real?

You're gonna eat a little meal before you eat a big meal?

- How many meals do you need? - Dad, stop it.

If Geoff wants a cup of soup, let him get a cup of soup.

I don't need the soup. I'm sorry I even brought it up.

You know what? I don't trust anyone. Hand me your spoons.

Murray, it's a special night.

Let the kids order whatever they want.

Yes! I'm gonna get the porterhouse!

Everyone but you.

Excuse me, waiter? Yoo-hoo!

Can we have a children's menu for my baby?

Oh, again, I'm not your waiter, but, uh, I'll let him know.

Mom, that menu is specifically for kids 8 and under.

I'm in high school now. No one's gonna buy this act anymore.

Hey, moron, I'm not paying for you to get a steak

- and eat three bites. - Daddy's right.

You may be a big boy, but you've still got a little-boy belly.

Here you go, buckaroo. And here's a cup with a lid.

Thanks. I know it's an octopus,

but I'm gonna connect the dots anyway.

- I'm sorry. - Stop apologizing.

- We're fine. - Fine?

We haven't even begun, Geoff.

- We haven't? - Not at all.

Because after we sit, we order.

_

- Waiter, we're ready to order. - Gotcha.

I mean... I'm not your waiter, but, uh, I'll just take it.

- Great. My husband here will have... -Bap, bap, bap!

What's with you always ordering for me?

- I know what you like. - And I don't?

I'll order my own damn meal, thank you.

I'll have the, uh...

Whenever it came time to order, my dad had this crazy glitch

where he would immediately forget what he liked or wanted.

Ah, come back to me.

My grandfather also had his own way of ordering...

Excuse me.

befriending anyone within a 10-table radius.

What's that golden hunk of meat you're enjoying there?

- It's a pork chop. - Is it good?

- Very. - I'm not in the mood for trafe.

What about your handsome friend?

What are you working with? Is that some kind of pilaf?

- It's wild rice. - You go, Adam.

I got a feeling these people have a story to tell.

I'll have the Li'l Wrangler dog and applesauce.

Sorry, children's menu is 8 and under.

- He is 8 and under. - Yes, I'm this much.

All right, Wrangler dog it is.

- And what can I get you? - And then there was Barry.

Without fail, he'd always order the wrong thing.

You know what?

I think I'm gonna have a nice piece of fish.

No, stop right there.

This is Beefsteak Charlie's. Steak is in the name.

That means no fish.

- How is your steamed trout? - It's not great.

Heard ya loud and clear. Trout me.

Dude, no. Don't do this.

Well, since you've all been such jerks,

I won't be sharing my delicious trout with any of you.

And with Barry's stubborn defiance

came my chance to stage my own revolt.

Done! I was right.

It's an octopus with a lasso, but my childhood ends here.

Garcon, bring me the biggest steak you've got.

No, Adam, no!

Your tummy can't handle that big-boy food.

It'll destroy your insides and tushie.

I'm taking a stand. I'm a grown-ass man.