New Girl

I can't believe we still haven't told them.

I guess it just was never the right time.

Well, I guess we're simply out of time.

- You're on with Schmidt and Cece. - Ruth's on!

Hey, you're on with Jess and Nick. I'm patching in

Winston, Aly and Dan Bill.

Are we really calling him Dan Bill?

It sounds like a weird town in Connecticut.

It's their child. Their mistake to make, okay?

Mm. That's a nice touch.

Yeah, good vibe, good vibe.

- Hella? - It's Jess and Nick.

I'm patching in Schmidt, Cece and Ruth.

Cece, Schmidt and Ruth, you're on with Jess, Nick,

Winston, Aly and Dan Bill.

- Hey, Jess, Nick, Dan Bill... - Hey, Winston, Dan Bill...

- Winston and Aly. - Jess and Nick.

Who are these people?

Hey, Schmidt, Cece, Ruth, Jess and Nick.

Guys, I only have the strength

to say this once.

Here I go.

Oh, God, how do I put this into words?

Okay, make it quick, 'cause my phone is at four percent,

and Ruth has turned my charger into a very sensible belt.

Schmidt, just switch your phone to low battery mode.

It really lengthens battery life.

How do you do that? Walk me through it.

- Go to Utilities. - No, no, Settings. Go to Settings.

Okay, well, I'm-I'm in Settings.

- Guys, please... - Oh, shoot. Now I'm at three percent.

I have something important to say!

And then, uh, open your Control Center.

- Battery. Select Battery. - Enough!

- Oh, no, I got it. - Jess has something really important

to say, so everybody shut up!

Jess, go ahead.

I can't tell you this over the phone.

Get over here before it's too late.

She can tell you, she can tell you. Go ahead.

- Bye. - Oh! What a waste of...

Good job.

- What is it? - You're getting divorced?

Well, that lasted a month.

What? No! Jess, go ahead.

I hate to be the bearer of truly terrible news...

Jess, can you please tell us? I'm so scared.

You should be. This is...

this is life-changing stuff.

Brace yourselves.

Nick and I are...

moving out of the loft.

- That's it? - Okay.

That's what you called us here for?

Why do you always think like a character

in The Baby-Sitters Club?

Okay, okay, you guys process this however you need to.

You're probably wondering why we would ever move out

- in the first place. - Yeah, honey, you should've moved out

when the elevator plunged into the basement

- and killed the mailman. - We got an eviction notice.

They're kicking us out in 24 hours.

Some evil company called Engram Pattersky Management Group

bought the building.

Yeah, they're kicking us out on our... "too-tookuses."

You trying to say "tuchases"?

"Tuchaseses."

- "Tuchas"? - "Tookases."

Luckily, Nick and I found a very nice two-bedroom

with a lovely reading nook. That doesn't matter.

The point is, we're moving out tomorrow,

and I know how much this place means to you guys, so...

whatever you're thinking or feeling,

I want you to get it out.

So whoever wants to go first...

Okay, I don't think you guys fully heard me.

So I'm gonna say it again.

Nick and I are m...

...moving out of the loft.

Okay, if you're moving out tomorrow,

why have you not packed yet?

Don't packing-shame us! We're well on our way.

We got four boxes right there.

I ran out of tape, so I started using glue.

We'll see how it holds up.

Cool. Anyway, uh, I'm taking off.

Hey, let me know when you have the housewarming

for your new place. I'll bring the succulents.

You never brought us succulents. We love succulents.

Ah, you got me. I don't know what a succulent is.

I just said that so I can get the hell out of here.

But I really do got

to get going. It's my turn to nurse the baby.

- How does he... - It's a whole thing.

Wow, you guys are in so much denial. You're so upset

by this news that you're distracting yourself

with nonsense like-like succulents and newborn babies.

Uh, we left Ruth with our neighbor's stepson, Yonk,

so we're gonna go.

Yeah, honey, we're not in denial, okay?

We've just done everything we need to do in this loft.

We're ready to say good-bye.

Right. Right. Yeah.

Yeah, Cece, you're right. You're totally right. You're all...

totally right.

Or are you wrong?!

Nobody leaves until we celebrate this place!

Okay? So call your sitters, call your babies,

get all your affairs in order.

I'm gonna go open a bottle of wine. Pink okay?

Well, I guess I'll call Yonk and tell him to get cozy.

Ugh, I can hear Yonk now.

"Mr. Schmidt, I got thirsty.

I drank all your coconut water."

Freakin' Yonk.

Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

Okay, why are we hiding in your office?

Because, guys, look, I love my wife.

You guys know that I love my wife. But she's clearly going

through something about us leaving the loft. It's like...

it's like she's having a really hard time getting her mouth

around the sandwich, do you know what I mean?

If you guys want to get out of here, which I know you do,

then you will laugh when she says laugh,

you will cry when she says cry,

and in between, we're gonna pack.

I really miss the old days when I would just drop in

every now and then and pick up a suitcase or something.

I only have the moving truck for 24 hours.

If I go one minute over,

those bastards will charge me for a whole nother day.

If you get a whole nother day, might as well get a second week.

You get a second week, you might as well buy the truck,

'cause you're livin' in it, Charlie! You live in a mo...

The point I'm trying to make is we need to pack right now.

I love packing.

You wouldn't believe how good I am

at fitting multiple things into small spaces.

I'm a bento box boy.

- What's in that box? - What?

What's the box that says "gross stuff," man?

Jessica's underpants.

You have Jess's panties in a box?

Well, while I'm delighted

that you have a box...

labeled "gross stuff" of your wife's...

undergarments, uh,

I also feel like you may be lying to me.

Yoo-hoo, guys! Yoo-hoo!

Yoo-frickin'-hoo!

Just remember, if you want to get out of here, play along.

Behold!

Objects from your past to make you remember and...

Oh, God, the chair is still spinning. Oh, my God.

You guys, I'm on a dolly.

I'm on a greased up dolly, and I'm holding fire.

Guys, guys, guys, guys...

If we scatter now, one of us can get out

and bring help for the rest.

Take in the memories.

Let these objects be the milkshake

that bring your memory boys to the emotion yard.

- I swore we threw all this stuff away. - Wow, I can't believe you

- saved all this stuff. How cool is that? - But we're really happy it's back.

- We're all really happy. Thank you. - Yeah.

I knew you guys needed to say good-bye.

Isn't it amazing how easy it is

to do the right thing when you have no other alternative?

Totally.

Like this.

Ah, the old loft candy dish.

That's the cast from when I broke my penis.

Shut up!

You know, most people wouldn't want to revisit

some of the more painful moments in their lives, but,

you know what, Jess, thank you for this, 'cause I do.

- Thank you. - Oh, Schmidt, you take that.

You're gonna want it.

Honestly, it's your penis. You earned it.

- Put it in your purse. - Excuse me?

- Go put it in your purse. - I am not putting it in my purse.

- Please, Cece, just put it in your purse. - I am not gonna go put it...

- We'll just leave it here. - We'll put it right there.

Remember this?

Oh! Looks just like us!

- We always pose like that. - Can we talk about those skin tones?

Oh, Nick, this one is so special.

- Wow. - The wand I used to fix the, uh,

garbage disposal. That one time.

Did we find the garbage wand

or did the garbage wand find us?

I remember the day I found it. I thought,

"Free stick."

- Ha! - Then I brought it home,

and it fit into the sink hole.

- Mm. - And somewhere along

the way, it fixed my heart hole.

- It fixed your heart hole? - So, thank you, stick.

- Okay. - I have a tear.

- That about sums it up. - Yeah.