Black Jesus

You need to find another place to be a bum at, homey!

This is my complex! I run this!

Chill out Vic, man.

Wash your feet.

What?

You look like one of them niggas from Australia.

Nigga, you smoke all the weed.

But what happened to us getting up off our ass and growing our own bud,

though... the community garden?

Nigga, this is Southwest Compton,

I ain't trying to be no Goddamn farmer.

Man, we're going to East L.A. to pick up a brick.

And check it out my mom's paying.

Jesus, my clientele come to me for the best weed.

And I hear these guys got the best weed.

Surprise. Get you bitch ass out the car!

Hurry up!

Do you gentlemen consent to a quick search?

Yes, sir!

Looks like 2G's.

Pleasure doing business with you bitches.

Yeah, but what about my mom money?

Although we ain't got your mom's money, what

we do have is the love of God and out integrity.

Act right, 'cause the sooner we get to work, the sooner we're gonna be...

Oh, shit!

Hey!

What the hell you doing in here?!

Shoo, shoo! Shoo!

Get out of here!

Get... out!

What the hell is all this?

Vic, you seen my goat?

Your goat?

Well, he was just up in my apartment,

kicking everything over, spreading hoof and mouth disease

all over the place.

My bad, Vic. That little dude frolics hard, man.

I'm gonna keep a better eye on him next time.

Don't you think maybe you're taking this whole

Jesus thing a little bit too far?

Look, you got goats, chickens running all over the place.

This is Compton, nigga.

This ain't Jamaica.

I think you ought to pack this whole little fake

nativity scene you got over here that you stole from the mall or

wherever you got it from and find you one of them empty lots

and go set up over there.

Aw, come on, Vic, man.

It's all right, man.

You're lucky I ain't a snitch, man, 'cause I'd have been had

the cops come and hauled your ass off.

Matter of fact, next time I catch you at my complex...

It's gonna be punch-in-the-face time.

Vic, you would really punch me in my face?

Hell, yeah, I'm really gonna punch you in your face!

Even though I love you with all my heart?

I'm gonna punch you in your face with all my heart.

This is fake, man.

You ain't no prophet.

You're a con man.

You don't love those guys.

You're living off 'em. You are a parasite.

Hey, Vic, why you always look constipated, man?

Yeah, yeah. You got something to do with this?

You got a lot of shit on your mind.

Two words, convict... "lease violation."

You're on notice, Nigga.

Hey, Vic, you do need more fiber in your diet, brah.

Your intestines look like some top ramen noodles that

you cooked and they got hard again... in a up bowl.

That's it!

Pops was speakin' through Vic when he kicked us

out the courtyard.

Yeah, man! God's gonna shows us the perfect place to go, brah.

No, no. I found the perfect place on Google Maps.

Who made Google, Tray?

Sergey Brin and Larry Page.

Bitch! You wish!

But who made them, Tray?

He messin' with you, man.

No, their parents made them.

God made them, Tray!

I mean you feel me?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, it's like he gave us the vision, dawg.

We're gonna find the perfect spot, man.

I can see it right now, man.

All kinds of vegetables.

We're gonna have like lettuce, cucumbers, Spanish onions...

Asparagus.

...Asparagus.

What about the mother weed, man?

You ain't sayin' shit about the weed!

Damn!

Man! Of course we're gonna grow the weed, man,

But we got to get the vegetables on deck to camouflage the weed!

Well, you got to say that, man!

Well, I'm telling you right now, man!

Maggie got a plan on it.

She gonna hook the shit up. Hey, Maggs!

Yo, hold up! I'm dealing with this Facebook bitch.

Come on, Maggie!

Why is this bitch trippin' because I wrote on her picture

that she looks drunk? It's a party pic.

Tell me the bitch don't look drunk.

I mean, yeah, she look drunk, man, but that's beside the point, man.

The girl got alcoholism in her family.

You ain't got to talk about her like that.

So? I wrote "lol," Jesus. Man, it was a joke.

Look. Now she's writing on all my picks, talking about

I'm a bitch, my face look stank, I got a washing-machine shape, and

now these bitches are liking all her comments, man!

Yo, you're omniscient.

Tell me her deepest, darkest secret so I can blast that on Facebook.

- Maggie... - What?

I ain't gonna be able to do it.

Man! Boonie, you're good with insults. Give me something for this bitch.

Let me see, girlie. Shit, boy, this bitch fine as a mother

What?!

She got pregnant, she can keep it for real.

That's them half-breed babies. Damn!

Yeah, she's adorable.

Give me that. What? Now this bitch says

she gonna slap me when she see me next?!

Bitch, you ain't ever seein' me, bitch!

- You better let her know. - Come at me, bitch!

- Yeah! - Here's my location finder...

Bitch!

- You know what I'm sayin, bitch! - You go, Maggs.

- Don't do that, Maggie. - I'm gonna post it.

Man, why you pump her up?

Post it.

Post that shit, bitch!

Bitches be too scared to come to Compton anyway.

Yeah. You know.

This is it!

Oh, snap! Look, y'all! Whoo!

This is the spot, man!

It's the one Pops told me about!

It's beautiful, ain't it?

Hey, man, I buried my pit bull Biscuits up in there, man.

I know!

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Isn't it trespassing?

Hey, Jesus, hey, Tray's right, man.

I don't know about this 'hood, Jesus.

There's a lot of Mexicans around here.

Aw, man, stop your frettin', brah!

This is the spot, man!

Can't you feel it? I can!

Yo, this is a lot bigger that what we budgeted for.

We're gonna need a lot more fertilizer.

Wait, wait, wait. When did we get a budget?

Well, we don't have one now, but, you know, our plan

is to talk to a few investors.

What investors? What you talkin' 'bout, Jesus?

So, now, you know, I'm gonna be straight with you, 'cause

you know I'm a Christian woman and you are now and always

will by my Lord and savior and I will love you until the day I die.

However, what I know about you is that you will off some

money in a heartbeat, and Ms. Tudi cares very, very, much

about her paper.

We respect that, Ms. Tudi.

Mm-hmm. Farming business.

What the hell I know about farming, huh?

I know how to go to the store and buy food. Now, that's what I know.

Which one of y'all niggas know about farming?

You, Fish? Is that what they teachin' you niggas in jail now?

'Cause I know my idiot son don't know nothin' about farming.

The only this he know how to grow is fatter.

And, Maggie.

Uh, what?

Child, I love you, but you're a hot mess. And quit writing

that bullshit on Facebook.

We can all see that. And Nigga, who are you? Huh? Always smilin'.

That's me.

Stop!

$600 for fertilizer? Really?

I mean, you got to look at it like this.. this is a major

come-up, Ms. Tudi. You 'bout to get pounds of weed...

I mean, elbows, girl.

And on top of that, you're doing something good for the community.

Jesus, I don't give a shit about the community here,

though I do need product.

All right, Maggie. Handle the money.

That's what's up, Ms. Tudi.

I'm a handle the product... all the product. And when

I get my money back, then I'll share the profits.

And I got you on the muscle, Ms. Tudi.

Word.

Hey, what you want me to do, Ma?

Nothin'.

Bad luck, just like his father. I wouldn't trust him to stack shit.

Lloyd!

Lloyd!

Lloyd!

Vic, is that you?

Yes, it is Lloyd. How are you today, good sir?

What the hell you care, and why you talkin' so sadity?

Actually, I don't care, Lloyd.